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Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #445839
09/13/21 03:25 AM
09/13/21 03:25 AM
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Blair Offline
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I would like an update too. smile

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #445840
09/19/21 02:27 AM
09/19/21 02:27 AM
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Me three.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #445913
01/31/22 11:08 PM
01/31/22 11:08 PM
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holdingontoit Offline OP
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Pretty much the same. Mrs Hold under great stress. Her mother fell and broke her ankle and needs surgery. Mother may not be able to live in her house again. Mrs Hold is only child so all financial issues with house and aides and moving into a care facility falls on Mrs Hold.

Plus Mrs Hold continues to have her own medical issues to deal with. Not life threatening but chronic and annoying and in some respects untreatable so the symptoms grate on her. Understandably.

D24 does not have many friends in the city where she has been living for 3 years, so she is sad and looking for a change. D24 has much of my pessimistic attitude so she dreads rather than looking forward to change. This weighs on Mrs Hold as well. S27 seems to be on an upward swing of the pendulum. He got a career adviser who seems to be helping him plot a course forward, and the pandemic has loosened up a bit. Between dating and group outdoor activities his mood is much improved. That is truly a blessing.

Finally, Mrs Hold may have to stop the part-time job she has been doing for over a decade because of the demands of caring for her mother. She really likes that job. Her hours have been cut back drastically during the pandemic because her former position involved lots of in-person contact. Losing what little she has left feels to her like the end of an era.

Fortunately work is going well for me, so I can cover Mrs Hold's reduced income. We still do not have enough saved to prevent a major reduction in standard of living in retirement, but that is entirely a result of our choices over the decades and how we decided to spend our money. I am content to deal with it when it happens. Many have far less than us. Mrs Hold sees it as a major problem that I should work harder to overcome.

Still, we get along reasonably well on most days. She wishes I put more effort into trying to cheer her up when she get down. She claims I do not care about her. I do care. But there is a limit on how codependent I am willing to be. I am more grey rock toward her than she wants when she gets down. She is displeased when she tries to send me to the doghouse and I don't wimper and grovel. But whereas doghouse stints often lasted many days or even several weeks back when I groveled, now she almost always gets over her umbrage within a day of being miffed. Sometimes even the same day. I much prefer this to the prior mechanism.

I will have to read the rest of the boards to see how everyone is doing. Anyone who wants to provide an update, please feel free to post on this thread.

Last edited by holdingontoit; 01/31/22 11:09 PM.

Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #445917
02/02/22 03:35 PM
02/02/22 03:35 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Hold,

I found the same as you have when I was with Daryl. The less I reacted to his “punishments” the shorter they were. I’m glad that’s working for you.

I think of you all often. With fondness, and hope that progress happens, in whatever form that takes. Life is hard, no matter what. At least that’s been my experience. Mine has been a lot harder than most it seems. Im determined to find ways to “gather roses” with what time I have left.

Love and peace and joy to you.

Randa


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #445941
03/18/22 02:26 AM
03/18/22 02:26 AM
Joined: Nov 2013
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Hold,
Prayers that MIL heals from her broken ankle and that Mrs. Hold has the strength to handle the stress ahead. Keep being you my friend.

Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #445943
03/25/22 05:10 PM
03/25/22 05:10 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Originally Posted by holdingontoit
I will have to read the rest of the boards to see how everyone is doing. Anyone who wants to provide an update, please feel free to post on this thread.


Hey Hold,

Thanks for the offer. Hope all have healed from your Jan. 31 update.

Mr. Ace and I are doing well....dealing with a few minor health challenges here and there.

Grateful for many things about our lives---kids, grandkids, family and friends.
Trying not to take things for granted.

Hope others are doing well, too.

If not, how can we help?

Hold offered his thread for us to thread-jack and it could be fun to take him up on his offer.


Thanks to all for dropping by.

Ace







Last edited by Ace; 03/25/22 05:11 PM. Reason: PS Post 3560, a multiple of 5. OCD habits never die.

We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #445944
03/26/22 05:18 AM
03/26/22 05:18 AM
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Yes Hold I hope Mrs. H and her Mom are recovering well and that her Mom got settled wherever she’s living now. I hope now we’re past the worst of the quarantining that it will be easier for DD24 to make friends where she lives. So cool that DS27 has hit his stride.

My DD26 has some roommates moving out there from here. I think she met them online.
I’m glad cat and the rest of you all here helped me learn to live and let live and not be nuts. They’re a throuple.
My DD20 is back in in person school, who knew that would become a privilege but she’ll enjoy it while she can. Hopefully she can do an in person internship, a remote one may be difficult to learn the ropes.

I’m having knee surgery next month, hopefully it all goes well. I’m grateful my new remote job is going well and that I will get time off to recover.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: NewEveryDay] #445945
03/26/22 05:19 PM
03/26/22 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
I’m having knee surgery next month, hopefully it all goes well. I’m grateful my new remote job is going well and that I will get time off to recover.


Praying for your quick recovery from your surgery. Hopefully we'll be able to see you in the fall. Hard to believe it's been almost 7 years since we had our mini-MA beach gathering.

Before fall, Mr. Ace is playing on 2 summer "old guys baseball" summer teams. The 60+ team he's been on for more than 10 years has not "graduated and recruited" over the years so it's folding. Never thought I'd ever see blatant age discrimination that's not only legal but encouraged.

For this summer, Mr. Ace was recruited by the team that won last years 60+ championship . He was honored but just discovered that he was only recruited for his pitching due to his success against this 'young' team.

How do they stay so young? They un-register guys after they turn 63 every year. Being a decade older than many players, Mr. Ace will pitch in the rotation but only hit or play infield if his team is way ahead----they're seldom way behind so that scenario is unlikely. They didn't tell him his role initially so he paid fees and ordered uniforms etc. and although I don't like the team's philosophy, H is looking forward to playing with them.......but we now have other challenges.

The problem is twofold: 1) H likes and is good at hitting and playing 1st base and 2) he needs the hitting and infield work to prepare for the fall World Series.

He was only going to play for one team this year but last night he was invited to play on a recreational team so he can hit and play infield every game. The quality of play is not what H likes but that's one of the consequences of aging and active team sports. He seems too have a good attitude....years ago he swore he'd never play on a team that continuously made routine little-league-type errors, but it is what it now is. It's more difficult being HARD ball, not soft ball. At least they use wood bats so it's not quite as fast.


Thanks for the venting thread, Hold. Hope you're doing well.

Ace








We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: Ace] #445946
03/28/22 02:02 AM
03/28/22 02:02 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,230
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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Thank you for the offer Hold. This place has been vewy vewy quiet lately! My posting seems to have diminished around the time COVID started up.

My pandemic project was writing a book (with a co-author) about the interpersonal communication skills I've posted about here. It was published earlier this month and was actually sold out of the paperback version fairly quickly. I'm starting a coaching business that I'm hoping will make up for the income reduction when I retire (probably next year). As part of researching into that, I am finding much confirmation regarding the importance of effectively communicating in marriage, and how ineffective so many of us are at it. I am also seeing its importance in all situations, and am noticing how badly it is being done by both sides of the political spectrum these days.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: Fiddler] #445947
03/28/22 05:05 AM
03/28/22 05:05 AM
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Ace Offline
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Originally Posted by Fiddler
Thank you for the offer Hold. This place has been vewy vewy quiet lately! My posting seems to have diminished around the time COVID started up.

My pandemic project was writing a book (with a co-author) about the interpersonal communication skills I've posted about here. It was published earlier this month and was actually sold out of the paperback version fairly quickly.


CONGRATULATIONS on your book, Fiddler. read If you can't give the title here, please PM it to me along with info on how to acquire one when it's reprinted. If not, maybe I can find a copy in our local library.

Thanks,

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: Ace] #445948
03/28/22 07:38 PM
03/28/22 07:38 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,230
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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Thank you Ace! The title is "Hear Here" and Amazon has restocked it!


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: Fiddler] #445949
03/29/22 02:15 AM
03/29/22 02:15 AM
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Ace Offline
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Originally Posted by Fiddler
Thank you Ace! The title is "Hear Here" and Amazon has restocked it!


Need it.

Found it.

Ordered it.

Should get it Wednesday.

Only 18 left (now 17) on Amazon.

THANKS!


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: Ace] #445950
03/29/22 02:56 AM
03/29/22 02:56 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,230
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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Thank you so much! I'd so interested in your feedback.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #445955
03/30/22 03:51 AM
03/30/22 03:51 AM
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Yes Ace I hope to be more mobile again soon! Fiddle I’m so excited! I read on Kindle app so much purchase will leave the few copies left. I can’t wait to read it ☺️


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: NewEveryDay] #445958
03/30/22 05:17 AM
03/30/22 05:17 AM
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Posts: 6,230
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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Thanks NED! I am looking forward to thoughts & feedback about it. One of the motivating factors was the passing of my (and my coauthor's) mentor just as COVID was hitting. We both felt strongly that her teachings on communication were so unique and amazing that they had to be put out into the world.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #446002
05/23/22 03:43 PM
05/23/22 03:43 PM
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holdingontoit Offline OP
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Fiddler, glad you were able to honor and make a memorial for your friend and mentor. I hope it helps many people. Never resonated for me, but I can see how it might give others a new perspective on communication.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Am I still a doormat? [Re: holdingontoit] #446006
05/25/22 05:29 PM
05/25/22 05:29 PM
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Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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Thank you hold.

When I first encountered the approach to interpersonal communication It didn't resonate for me either. It was only after I found that they worked amazingly well at home, far more effectively than what several marriage counselors had taught us.

It looks like you have reached a reasonably stable place in your marriage. It may not be 100% ideal (what is?), but you are mostly content with the status quo now. I do wish you all the best in that.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
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