I haven't started a new thread in so long that I nearly forgot how to do it.

My DH and I are reading this new book together. We just finished the introduction and a few pages of the first chapter but it's been very enlightening so far.

Has anyone else heard about it?

Ace

I have!

Ok, ok, I wrote it (with a co-author).

I think it''s worth checking out (but then again, I'm biased...)

Thanks Ace!

You're welcome, thanks for the book tip.

The line that got my husband interested in reading this with me was when the program founder said:



Today, we were reading on page 15-16 about Tony Richo's 5As from his book How to be an Adult in Relationships:

"Love in Action is the offering and receiving of:

* Attention
* Acceptance
* Appreciation
* Affection
* Allowing

...Take a moment and review your experiences with these 5As."

We didn't get past discussing Attention for an hour, laughing about stories and ways we received attention---both positive and negative---during our younger days. I actually learned things from DH's stories that I had not heard (or don't remember) from his childhood.

Again, thanks for the book. It's amazing how much we have to learn about each other that helps in our communication.

Ace

Yes, I’m was working on that part last week too, not making people wrong. It surprised me that the biggest change of the week was my self talk. I could stop making myself wrong, oy vey! Just a little example, I’m having trouble with my progressive reading glasses and getting migraine headaches. Instead of staying frustrated and mad that I wore it wrong, I heard the message from the pain, that I need to slow down and fix them. Living in the solution.

So the attention part this week builds on really naturally. I like the analogy of the leaf slowly falling back and forth to the floor. I read it a day after I said some extra things to my Mom. In general I’m doing much better with staying away from gossip, but I was taking the migraine medicine from above and said my brother said he’s trying to see her more. But that’s for him to share directly. Now with this set of tools, if I’m practicing validating what she is saying, giving that my full attention, it doesn’t matter if I took some medicine. The conversation doesn’t stray to gossip, because the focus attention is on what she’s trying to share. Not on my hopes of what my brother said and him following through. Awesome set of tools for someone like me. I can’t wait to try it out and hopefully keep my foot out of my mouth better!

It's awesome that you guys are reading it and getting value from the book!

Full disclosure - I sometimes struggle with not making anybody wrong at times. The difference now is that I catch myself when it happens - and lately it's never been about my wife or anyone close to me. It wasn't always that way - I used to "make her wrong" a lot, unfortunately, which was one of the elements that led to our marriage hitting the rocks. Learning Tracking was the communication elixir that made all the difference for us.

Fiddler I’m enjoying this book in so many ways! I’ve been applying this all over the place not just when someone has an emotion to convey because it helps me remember to stop making folks’ problems mine. That it makes them feel heard at the same time and stops aggravating them is a great win-win outcome.

An unexpected benefit is something I’ve tried and failed to achieve in a year of counseling, how to handle the phone in a timely manner. My IC says to interrupt them and tell them I have other things to do, but my loved ones are going through serious stuff right now and if I ask if we can talk later I’m just pushing the can down the road. This actual listening to someone in a way they feel seen and heard lets us get back to our day in peace.

I’m reading the section on impact statements and I wish I had read your example before I gave my resignation. Your example for the “impact on you” part was I’m confused that my compensation isn’t commensurate with my reviews. That was a great example. I has said “I took in a border to keep my daughter in college “ and that was much less professional. I’m hoping by using these impact statements I won’t get to resignation statements lol.

I'm so glad you're enjoying it NED, and especially if you've been able to take the ideas into various interactions! The Tracking skill we talk about there is one of the most valuable things I've learned, and it gives me great joy to hear it has helped some of your previously problematic interactions. It seems most of the time folks get the most benefit from simply having someone truly listen to them and not give advice or "listen" superficially.

Impact statements are the second most valuable interpersonal skill I learned (all of these from my late mentor, Selwa Said, to whom we dedicated the book). They come in most handy in even "small" issues that come up. One recent example was one my wife gave me a few weeks ago. In the morning if I didn't feel like finishing my juice right away, I left about an inch in a glass on the kitchen counter. This she found annoying, and expressed it as an Impact Statement - which I was able to take in because she made it without criticism or making it personal. It gave me the opportunity to give her a "mamnoon" (my solution was to take the unfinished juice into my office where she didn't have to see it). It may seem like a small thing - however, in many marriages it is the 1000 paper cuts of these "small" annoyances that add up to a big conflict.

In work situations, many times the key is to not put the other person on the defensive by making things personal. While it doesn't guarantee the raise, or whatever is being requested, it at least allows for a more open dialogue about the issue. It very well may come down to resigning if there is no willingness to negotiate in good faith.

Thank you for the great feedback!

Fiddler I love that example of the mamnoon, something you can do to respond with joy. I really like those 5 As too and am thinking to put them on my fridge and mirror to make it easy to memorize.

I finished the book this weekend so I’m excited to hear you all are planning another one!

The timing Fiddler that you shared this with us could not have come better for me personally. I have a brother with mental illness that deteriorated really suddenly and it shocked him most of all and my parents how fast his living plans had to change. It really helped to be able to slow down and breathe like you said, first of all. Then the tracking, like it was suggested, to match that energy but just a little lower.

Because this was so much to adjust to so fast! He went from a room in a boarding house to going in the hospital to being kept there against his will because he was a danger to himself. He wasn’t safe to be discharged to live on his own or even with his parents but had to go to a care home. Everyone wanted to blame themselves, but it is an illness and we all had to accept that this place is the best chance he has to regain as much of an independent life as he can.

A lot of strong feelings! But we were able to support one another. These skills are contagious. I felt more confident going to see my brother. If he gets upset or disappointed, instead of shutting down or worse stewing that he's ungrateful, I can stay with him in his feelings and needs and address those.

I just ordered it. I am having surgery this week and it will be a good book to read while I recuperate

I miss you all. I wish we were all still posting like in the old days.

SW yes I miss when we were more active here. I still like to come and read the updates, and see how everyone’s life continues to grow. You got to sell your house and move somewhere that needs no work, right?

Wishing you a speedy recovery ❤️‍🩹

Thanks NED - glad that you found it helpful!

SW - prayers for successful surgery and a speedy recovery!

Yeah, it's like a ghost town around here these days. I do try to bop in from time to time, but in addition to my day job, I'm working to try to get a business going so I can retire, maybe next year, and not have our standard of living drop too much. In the mean time, it's like two full time jobs.

If it's not too much trouble, would you be willing to write a review on Amazon?