That’s a good point, I have a habit of picking the codependent people with a controlling nature. It’s really weird because while B got like that while we were married, he’s dropped that a lot with the kids now and lets them run their lives in ways that make them happy even when they’re not doing things on his timeline.

So on that easy to work with line I will change it to

Easy to work with, works towards solutions that everyone is happy with.

And the last one, reliable, I would change to

Reliable and honest. Says what they mean

Is that better?

Orchid: Maybe it's such controlling codependent people find you and you don't say no.



Orchid: People can change. If it's for the better good. If it's not, we need to have longer discussion. In your case with B, he learned to be flexible. A bit late but if you are with his changes, then maybe there is hope. If it leaves you bitter thinking how much time was wasted with his inability all those years, then maybe it requires a more in depth discussion.



Orchid: If that is more accurate, ok. Know that you have been those things, so it's just a description?



Orchid: It is more defining but you were those things anyway, right? Here's my point, other than having to be more cautious, your improvements are for you to setup and use. You being ok with your stance will then be firm and not allow anyone to tear you down, no matter how or how many times they may try.

Trust me on this, I've had to learn this lesson the hard way and wish I was stronger much earlier in my life. My values are still the same but how I use them is now with greater discretion.

I'm glad you are setting boundaries for yourself, just want you to be safe.

Hope this makes sense.

I think it is a good list, although I am scratching my head about you listing Jewish or Christian as if they are interchangeable to you. Faith and religion was top of my list....then good step father to my son...I can’t remember the rest, but I do know he met all ten but especially top 5.

But, I will say, it isn’t necessarily required that a potential partner meet all 10 on the list.

So happy AR to read that the forum is fixed! I wanted to give an update…

I’ve been active in 12 step recovery, during the pandemic got very involved in Overeaters Anonymous and have been losing weight and feeling a lot better like more energy. Still a ways to go. I had knee surgery last year and that helped a lot with being able to walk and hike.

I had been dating my ex on and off for many years, we kept trying to change our relationship but it kept going back to the same old patterns. I finally had to say enough last year. The last straw was when he was picking me up from the airport and thought he had hung up the phone. He was frustrated and cursing when the pilot landed my plane at the wrong terminal. He blamed me for it and said basically that I always do this. I am not going to keep trying to justify myself after every unpredicted frustration in life whether it’s a needed surgery or having to drive around the airport a second time . I need to work an effective program of codependency recovery to keep my own serenity. So I threw in the towel. I was just not the right partner for this. I’m not in a rush to start dating again.

I got a new job last year that was a real challenge with boundaries. They wanted a lot of nights and weekends even after I proved myself. I went on a lot of interviews with other companies. But thankfully they dialed it back in here before I got an offer and now we’re all happy. And my speaking up repeatedly made it better for my coworkers too.

My brother and niece have been living with me for 8 months after a tropical storm hit their roof. So fun, my niece is 9 now. It will be an adjustment living alone again but I did well last time and I won’t rush to fill the space this time. I visit my kids a lot too. My DD 27 is getting married this year, I’m so excited!