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Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Larry] #3838
09/15/10 10:34 PM
09/15/10 10:34 PM
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Texas
Larry Offline
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Going south from downtown Dallas in I-35, there is an enormous billboard. Now the South side of Dallas is South Dallas and Oak Cliff, of which the South is exclusively minority population and Oak Cliff is the same in some places and mixed in others. The sign was also visible for all the buildings that had hard working husbands with income enough to support SAHM, who often had a reputation for finding something to do in certain places during the daytime, and a ton of folks driving from to the South from the Divorce courts in downtown, plus all of the traffic to and from the divorce lawyers. Lots of prospects.

The sign said: WHOSE THE FATHER? Then below that 1 800 DNA TEST.

Larry



It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: OurHouse] #3843
09/15/10 10:42 PM
09/15/10 10:42 PM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Originally Posted by OurHouse
1. The fattest knight and King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math destruction.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. And then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said "Keep off the grass".

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak, and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "are you sure?" The first one replies "yes, I'm positive".

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novcocain during a recent root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

[Linked Image]


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #3845
09/15/10 10:45 PM
09/15/10 10:45 PM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Will to Remember

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Larry] #3854
09/15/10 11:09 PM
09/15/10 11:09 PM
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2long Offline
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Originally Posted by Larry
I love observational jokes. I was walking through the Zona Rosa of Mexico City, which has a lot of little shops. One of them was a leather goods shop. Now it is that Mexico has some really, really good leather work, so I paused to look at the window and the things displayed in the window.

Someone had cut out the side of a cardboard box and written on it using some sort of black marker, then stuck it in the window. It said:

Si Habla Inglés

For those who don't speak Spanish, the translation is "Yes understand (or speak) English."

Larry


I missed it, but some friends went 2 Cabo San Lucas for the 1991 total solar eclipse. A restaurant they visited posted this sign outside:

"Perfect English broken here."

-ol' 2long

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: 2long] #4423
09/17/10 02:08 PM
09/17/10 02:08 PM
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believer Offline
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In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.




Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.





"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: believer] #4433
09/17/10 02:48 PM
09/17/10 02:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
Originally Posted by believer
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.




Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


:claps:




I just hurt myself!

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: herfuturesbright] #5104
09/21/10 12:58 AM
09/21/10 12:58 AM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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ROFLOL B!



Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!


She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine !


Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And with that attitude, you never will.'


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #5148
09/21/10 07:39 AM
09/21/10 07:39 AM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn't seem happy.

"What's wrong?" the friend asked. "You just became a millionaire!"

"I know," he groaned, "But I can't imagine why I bought that second ticket!"



today'sTHOT============================

What if the Hokey-Pokey really IS what it's all about?

=======================================


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #5383
09/22/10 10:03 AM
09/22/10 10:03 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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UNDERSTANDING FISHING
By W. Bruce Cameron


Fishing is the act of sitting in a boat for hours and hours waiting for something to happen. It can be an exciting sport if you enjoy watching a lake evaporate one molecule at a time. And sometimes, given the right rhythm to the waves, there's the added attraction of throwing up.

My father and I go fishing occasionally, though we've never explained to each other why. Holding a rod in my hands, I'm struck by the idea that fishing is sort of like kite flying, except the kite is very small and you can't see it. I mention this to my father, who doesn't respond, either because he finds my comment unmanly or because he has fallen into a stupor.

We're in Michigan, where he has gone to retire. Based on how he spends his days, I assume he picked Michigan because it has good cable television. We've paid the state a license fee so that if we catch anything, it will legally cost ten bucks an ounce.

We're trolling, meaning that the boat is moving ahead slowly, dragging behind it a barbed lure in hopes some hapless fish will come across it. To me, trolling is a bit like discharging a shotgun out your kitchen window, hoping you'll hit a chicken.

The inside of our boat is smaller than the size allowed by the Supreme Court for prison cells. "Catch anything yet?" I ask my father, hoping to amuse at least one of us.

He's still not talking.

My dad bought a fish finder in order to, well, find fish. We stared at the schools of huge fish on the small screen for two awestruck years before we realized we had it in "Demo" mode. Now we don't pay much attention to it, but we leave it in Demo because we find the images comforting.

Our lures are made of metal and plastic, substances that fish apparently find very appetizing. I try to picture wanting to bite at the things as they sail past. It's as if you decided to ignore a hamburger and eat a unicycle instead.

My father has a new net. (The old one fell apart from disuse.) The new purchase is large enough to net a human cannonball. "Why don't we forget the lures and just drag the net through the water?" I suggest. "Maybe we'll catch Flipper."

I'm starting to worry that perhaps my father thinks the fish are monitoring our conversation to learn our plans. Finally he speaks. "What's he doing?" he says.

I look where he indicates. A boat with a solitary fisherman approaches dead ahead, apparently planning to ram us at 3 MPH. My father stands up and makes a nautical hand signal that means "You Are An Idiot." The captain of the opposing vessel shakes his fist, but makes no effort to change course. This is an obvious challenge to which the only response is to not change our course.

We're going to crash and sink because neither boat thought to bring along a woman to point out how stupid we're acting.

The same laws of randomness that have protected the fish from being snagged by our hooks now prevents a boating accident by the narrowest of margins. "I've been fishing this lake for 60 years," my father calls to our enemy, establishing who has proprietary rights to this stretch of water. The guy in the other boat smells like he's been fishing even longer.

"I've been here all morning," he counters as he slips past.

"Well, you won that debate," I praise my father.

Moments later my rod dips and I'm fighting what feels like the biggest fish of my life. With every tug it pulls back, as if it's trying to catch me.

With a sound like a bow firing an arrow, my line pops out of the water—I've hooked the lure of the enemy boat guy. Our lures dance in the air for a moment while we strain against each other and then there's a snap and we both fall back. His line has broken, and I reel in his lure while he shakes his fist.

My father's disgusted, but I'm happy — I went fishing and finally caught something!


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Lil] #5447
09/22/10 03:32 PM
09/22/10 03:32 PM
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Justuss v1.0 Offline
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LOL Sounds like the fishing trip my H & I were on when the largest thing he caught was my thigh as he attempted to cast his line out!! grin

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Justuss v1.0] #7172
09/29/10 12:54 AM
09/29/10 12:54 AM
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Actual typo *I MADE* on a classified ad:

Puppies, 12 weeks, parents on site, first shots, deformed, $500.

I meant deWormed. Never saw the mistake until the client called. She wasn't laughing but I couldn't stop.

Deformed puppies, anyone?



A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: wiser_now] #9997
10/13/10 02:25 AM
10/13/10 02:25 AM
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OurHouse Offline
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My son had a link to this on his Facebook page.

It is relatively clean...some questionable language, but there's no audio, so it's safe to view if you've got kids in earshot.

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: OurHouse] #10263
10/13/10 11:39 PM
10/13/10 11:39 PM
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OurHouse Offline
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Ok. Squeaky clean and very funny, especially if you like Laurel & Hardy. Does anyone know the backstory here? Was this doctored to fit the music?

Laurel & Hardy Meet Santana. Turn up your speakers and enjoy.


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: OurHouse] #10268
10/13/10 11:48 PM
10/13/10 11:48 PM
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2long Offline
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A timeless classic:


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: 2long] #10332
10/14/10 05:27 AM
10/14/10 05:27 AM
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SW Chicago 'burbs
Mark1952 Offline
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Now THIS is a classic...



mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Mark1952] #10705
10/15/10 06:21 AM
10/15/10 06:21 AM
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Our House, if I'm not mistaken Carlos Santana released that song but it is possibly attributable to Israel "Cachao" Lopez. Cachao played the upright bass....he died a year or two ago at the age of 90....and he gave the world the mambo.


Seeking to demonstrate true Princess-ness!
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Larry] #10708
10/15/10 06:28 AM
10/15/10 06:28 AM
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cinderella Offline
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Originally Posted by Larry



The sign said: WHOSE THE FATHER? Then below that 1 800 DNA TEST.

Larry



PLEASE tell me they didn't post it exactly like that....it's probably wrong. If they intend for it to ask who the father is, it should say "WHO'S the father?"


Seeking to demonstrate true Princess-ness!
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: cinderella] #10731
10/15/10 07:53 AM
10/15/10 07:53 AM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress.

In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?"

"Certainly not, madam," responded the salesgirl, "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."



today'sTHOT============================

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Joke Thread [Re: OurHouse] #11254
10/17/10 01:25 AM
10/17/10 01:25 AM
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Texas
Larry Offline
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True story:

"My boys, who necessarily began at a young age, have raised flatulence to an art form...or perhaps more accurately stated, a potential olympic event. They grade based on duration, vibratory impact, and hang-time. TMI, perhaps - but be glad I don't impart my knowledge of their rather extensive list of words for 'farts'.

"When I finally gave birth to a girl, I thought to myself, 'Ribbons and lace. Sweetness personified. I'll name her 'Mini-Me'.' That dream came to a screeching halt when, while waiting for dinner one evening, my precious, ribbon & lace clad 4 year-old lifted a butt-cheek, much like she'd seen her brothers do, and let 'er rip.

In unison, her three brothers cheered and gave her the highest of scores - their undying admiration of her newfound ability. Sadly, she has managed to snatch the gold in this event far, FAR too often."

;grin:


It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Larry] #13886
10/26/10 04:15 AM
10/26/10 04:15 AM
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Posts: 5,381
Texas
Larry Offline
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Recently, I have been browsing Indian publications to get a bit of culture feel. I stumbled in the following and wanted to share. I have culled out what appear to be the ones that don't relate to Indian things that make no sense unless you live there.

Quotes From Women

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -- Hema Malini

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -- Saira Banu

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -- Sasikala

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -- Sharmila Tagore

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. -- Helen

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -- Juhi Chawla

I think -- therefore I'm single. -- Kanika

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Malika

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Hema Malini

"In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man; If you want anything done, ask a woman." -- MayaWati

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." -- Priyanka grin

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." -- Sania Mirza

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose round your neck?" -- Sushma Sawraj

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Jaya Bachan

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." -- Mamta Banerji




It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Larry] #13900
10/26/10 11:09 AM
10/26/10 11:09 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Larry, thanks for the quotes, my favorite was the one about becoming the man I wanted to marry. True that!

And I love your Halloween smiley!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: NewEveryDay] #14077
10/26/10 10:49 PM
10/26/10 10:49 PM
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aphelion Offline
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Hah! I see your painful puns and raise you worse...

1. A man goes up to a Zen hot dot seller and says "Make me one with everything," and gives him a $20 bill. The vendor gives him the hot dog and puts the $20 into a box and closes it. The man says "I would like my change." The vendor says "I have made you One With Everything, but change comes from within."

2. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

8. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That's Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's Not Unusual.'

9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true - no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

13. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, "Of course you can't - I've amputated your arms!"

14. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (wait for it)… A super-calloused fragile-mystic hexed by halitosis.

19. And finally, there was the person who sent puns to his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


Well? How many things in the world are exactly eighteen minutes and twenty seconds long? - Arlo Guthrie
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: aphelion] #14081
10/26/10 11:04 PM
10/26/10 11:04 PM
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2long Offline
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My Gawd, those were awful! grin

Re: The Joke Thread [Re: 2long] #14085
10/26/10 11:17 PM
10/26/10 11:17 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 73
aphelion Offline
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aphelion  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 73
I gots worse...



Well? How many things in the world are exactly eighteen minutes and twenty seconds long? - Arlo Guthrie
Re: The Joke Thread [Re: aphelion] #14088
10/26/10 11:33 PM
10/26/10 11:33 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
Member
herfuturesbright  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
I loved them.....therefore they are funny

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