I like your avatar of avatar, 2. Mine is broke today for some apparently atavistic reason.

As a Texan, I get to be the punch line in more than my fair amount of jokes. So in the spirit of payback, here you go, and for some odd reason, I picked a certain city first.

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. In response, he said that he was going to quit before he would move there.

When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

One of his co-workers said he needed to reconsider, that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, fantastic restaurants and all that stuff.

Then he said: "Why me, myself and I worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had one single problem with crime while I was working."

The guy thinking about the move asked, "What did you do there?"

To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."

Raymond Burr ac2ally used this one on an acquaintance of mine about 35 hrs ago:

Acq: (walks up 2 urinal next 2 Burr)

Burr: why, I've gotten so fat I cant even see my own d**** anymore!

Acq: why don't you diet?

Burr: why? What color is it now?

Hee hee.

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"


"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.


An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:


"Master, Master! .............



The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Super Golf Ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.

"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"

The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats.

I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replies, "I found it."

today'sFUNNY===========================

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.

"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.

"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.

"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"

Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

today'sTHOT============================

History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

=======================================

today'sFUNNY===========================

In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: "Why did you leave your previous employment?"

One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: "The express wish of 116,000 voters."

today'sTHOT============================

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

=======================================

Academic Phrases and Meanings

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident"... These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.

"These results will be in a subsequent report"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience"... once "In case after case"... twice "In a series of cases"... thrice "It is believed that"... I think.

"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.

"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.

"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."

As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"

Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."

Loved all of them. "Virtually 100% true as well." Means most of them, if not all, maybe.

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

So, one of my state's congressmen was defeated. I heard an interview with him this morning. At the end, they reported that they had asked him if he was worried about the district. Reportedly, his answer was, "No. I'm not their congressman any more."

This was sent to me by my aunt.

Ramblings of a Retired Mind


I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were crammingfor their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.


' Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life' Because :::' Life is a journey to be savored!

Bwahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha!!

AN EXERCISE IN EUROPEAN DIPLOMACY
By W. Bruce Cameron [Check out the info on Bruce's new NY Times best-selling book below!]

When my daughters became teenagers I realized I'd had too many children. They had been manageable when they were small enough for me to imprison in a crib, but once I could no longer pick them up, I saw that I had, in business parlance, "expanded too rapidly." I needed to "downsize."

So I began outplacing my children to college. This is an ongoing process that apparently will last as long as there is an educational system. At college, my children are learning important skills that will help them in the New Economy, such as how to take on debt. As their primary lender, I'm proud of the way they've learned to ask for money.

In some ways our relationship has deteriorated in that I can no longer effectively punish them. Before, we might have a dialogue like this:

Me: You're grounded. Go to your room!

Daughter: No!

Now, though, my daughters are legally adults.

Me: May I remind you that the law no longer requires me to support you, and that technically that isn't really your room?

Daughter: No!

My children actually hate this new relationship, because instead of issuing punishments they ignore, I now employ what are known as "real-world consequences."

Daughter: I want to go to Europe with my friends.

Me: I'd rather you didn't. Europe is full of dangerous men I'm worried you'll find attractive. Why don't you and your friends pick a safer, more fun activity, like cleaning my garage?

Daughter: Because I am an adult. Besides, it will be educational. I can see and experience things there that I could never do in America, like Euro Disney.

Me: When do you expect to leave?

Daughter: Just as soon as we can get the tickets to Cancun.

Me: Cancun! Honey, I know things have changed a lot since I was in college, but I don't think they made Cancun part of Europe. I take it this is sort of a pre-vacation vacation?

Daughter: No, Dad, it's not like a vacation. We're going to Cancun first because obviously we can't go to Europe without a tan.

Me: I don't know why that didn't occur to me.

Daughter: And then, like I said, we're going to be doing all kinds of educational stuff, like climb the Eiffel Tower and visit that pub in England where Churchill thought up his speeches. So calling it a "vacation" is really a misdeed.

Me: You mean a "misnomer," and no, actually, it isn't. Well, okay. But I'm not giving you money for it.

Daughter: Right, I don't need you to give me money. I just need you to loan me money.

(Here comes the part that they hate. If you have teenagers you may not want them to read this, because (a) they may find it emotionally traumatizing, and (b) if you wait until you actually need it and then shock them with this technique without any warning, it's more fun.)

Me: No.

Daughter: What? Why not? Brittany's parents are letting her go!

Me: Oh, I'm not preventing you from going, I'm just not paying for it. If you want to go, you'll need to get a job and save your money.

Daughter: Well you should have told me this before now! It's too late to save money!

Me: What about what you've earned so far this summer?

Daughter: That was for my expenses!

Me: Yes, I saw the new clothes.

Daughter: New clothes for the trip to Europe! Dad, you have to let me go, I'll never have an opportunity like this again in my whole life!

Me: Actually, I think you're okay. Europe's been there for a long time. You can look it up.

Daughter: This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I'm going to my room!

Me: May I remind you that technically that isn't your room?

Daughter: No!

With a loud slam of the door that technically isn't hers, she retreats. I expect that soon she'll shift tactics, requesting money for unobjectionable things (like books) that will wind up in her Euro-Disney budget.

It's what she's learning to do in college.

today'sTHOT============================

Before entering a battle of wits, check your ammunition.

=======================================

LOL, Orchid. I love it. Blue teeth where we used to call 'em blue hairs.

Oh, wait...my age is showing.

Now, give me back my garage door opener.

:::hallelujah and pass that ammunition my way, Lil:::

LA

I'm off to pump rust. Or apply deodorant. cant figure out which I like better

I see my new facebook status!!!

MILITARY WORDS OF WISDOM

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper, once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

Clean it, if it's Dirty.
Oil it, if it Squeaks.
Don't Screw with it if it Works!
USAF Electronic Technician

"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."

"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ,
I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 40,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore SR-71 pilot

A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude:
Latitude is Where We are Lost
Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There!

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case"

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine air plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up the pilot dies."

The three most famous last words in aviation:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
"Oh shinola!"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation. We never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest air plane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." Heard muttered by Dale Woods!

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot replys, "Beats me, I just got here myself."

That was awesome.

Good one Aph

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

FROM THE BOOK OF DAVIDICUS: WHEN YOU EAT OF THE SPOILS POST HALLOWEEN
By David Regier

3 Of the spoils of your wandering, you shall devote a tenth of the firstfruits to your father. But take heed that you devote what has chocolate, so that he shall be pleased with what he receives.

4 Of the Reese's, you shall devote them all, likewise the Snickers. But take heed, lest you try to test your father and give him Skittles instead of M&Ms, and thereby incur his disfavor.

5 Of the Pixi Stix, and the Sweet Tarts, and the Kandy Korn, you shall give him no part, for they are an abomination unto him. But of the Nestle Crunch and Krackel, you shall give him a portion, as a peace offering.

6 Lest you grumble because of the nuts in the flesh of your spoils, you may offer the bars that contain them unto your father. Mr. Goodbar is favored, as are the Peanut M&Ms. Almond Joy hath nuts, Mounds don't.

7 You shall reserve the choicest fruits: the special darks, and the truffles, for an offering to your mother, who bore you, who brought you to life. And it is under her rule as to when you are able to eat the remainder.

8 And on the day of cleansing, the last day, all the bags shall be opened, and I shall say unto you, "How on earth did we get so many Tootsie Rolls?" And all that remains will be cast into the bin.

9 And if any acceptable offerings are found that have been left to rot, or get that white crusty stuff on the chocolate, I shall say to you, "How is it that you have hidden this from my eyes, and have not even eaten it?" And your father shall not be pleased with you.

(Davidicus 10:3-9 DADV)

Lady Driver Over 60.......
A mature (over 60) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for
drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know who likes a chuckle.
I just did!

The Gas Men

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"