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By Puppy: Leaving an Affair Alone Doesn't Work #64202
02/03/11 12:33 PM
02/03/11 12:33 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,010
star*fish Offline OP
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OK, I'm going to TRY to get this thread back on-topic. I'd prefer to post this in the "Infidelity" section, as what I'm about to point out isn't really just about DB advice necessarily (although they certainly do embody it), but rather about the whole "there's nothing you can do about it" school of thought when it comes to affairs.

The line of thinking goes something like this:

"If she's having an affair, there's nothing I can really do about it anyway," and then -- based on the individual -- it veers into either:

a. "An affair isn't a dealbreaker for me anyway, I will forgive and we'll try to move on," or

b. "An affair IS a dealbreaker for me (for some people, this breaks down into "an EA isn't a dealbreaker, but a PA is"), and the truth will eventually come out, so I can then just deal with it accordingly then."

I believe this is a horrible way to approach the problem.


The conventional wisdom, which sounds good on first blush is "I cannot control what she does, so what good would knowing about it do? It would only make me nuts."

to which I would reply:

You need to make the distinction between trying to control HER (or "him," in the case of a cheating husband), and trying to protect YOURSELF (and your family), from the infidelity."

So, what good would knowing about it do? You could then:

1. Protect yourself legally, getting an initial consultation from a good family law attorney to better understand your rights and vulnerabilities.

2. Protect yourself financially, firewalling your joint finances so that family funds can't be accessed to conduct the affair, and also make sure you don't make any major purchases or incur major new joint debt during a time when your spouse is emotionally checked out of the marriage.

3. Protect yourself physically (medically), making sure you're not engaging in unprotected sex with a spouse who is having a physical affair (most cheating couples do NOT use protection).

4. Have the reassurance of knowing the real reason behind your spouse's suddenly crazy behavior, and make sure you DON'T start careening into making crazy adjustments to yourself that have nothing to do with it (legitimate "GAL" self-improvements should, however, be done).

5. Begin to prepare yourself emotionally for the hell that is a potential separation or divorce; one that includes the horrors of infidelity.

"Little Bo-Peep" isn't a plan. Affairs are addictions, and as such they don't just "go away" if left alone: they escalate.

Puppy


P.S. Mods, if you feel this topic would be well-addressed in the Infidelity forum, please feel free to move it there.

Last edited by star*fish; 02/03/11 12:37 PM.

"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: By Puppy: Leaving an Affair Alone Doesn't Work [Re: star*fish] #64341
02/03/11 05:01 PM
02/03/11 05:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 135
Calgary, Alberta
CD Bear Offline
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A great start, Puppy!!

The action of going into protection phase as outlined above and preparing for the imminent Sep/D accomplishes three primamry things-

-creates some isolations/insulation from the A/WS

-gets you focused on doing rather than wallowing/distraught

-begins to feed the self-assurance/confidence you will need to carry you through the Sep/D



M48
W30
D3
T6
M4
ILYBNILWY 04/10
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Exposure 07/14/10
Living seperately since then.
(StbX w OM)
Re: By Puppy: Leaving an Affair Alone Doesn't Work [Re: star*fish] #64594
02/03/11 10:20 PM
02/03/11 10:20 PM
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Posts: 1,220
Coach Offline
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Quote:
So, what good would knowing about it do?


What is the definition of "knowing"? Normally we see a lot of red flags but no evidence.

How would you gather this evidence?

Who would you show it to?

When do you have enough?

What do you do if do find real evidence of an affair?

What do you do if you don't find evidence but the red flags and your gut still are giving indicators?

Since you don't control your WAS how do you set effective boundaries?

Won't boundaries just push then away?

I heard affairs only last 6 months why not just try and wait it out?

One of my WAW complaints about me is that I'm too controlling a good 180 for me is to give her space, won't that work better than confronting her about the A?

Is there is difference in handling a affair between a WAW or WAH?

(I'm trying to think of all the objections, we've heard over the years)

All yours PDT, dig thru the archives and post the way.

Cheers


You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: By Puppy: Leaving an Affair Alone Doesn't Work [Re: Coach] #65294
02/04/11 08:18 PM
02/04/11 08:18 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,227
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
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Puppy Dog Tails  Offline
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My personal favorite was always "Oh, she knows clearly where I stand on this issue; I've told her, if I ever found out she was cheating on me, I'd be done!"

This, almost universally, from someone who has absolutely NO INTENTION of working at that "found out" part, there, and whose actions (not their words) had been veritably shouting to their wayward spouse precisely the opposite.


Puppy


Drink the koffee, not the Kool-Aid.
Re: By Puppy: Leaving an Affair Alone Doesn't Work [Re: Puppy Dog Tails] #185461
12/06/11 01:40 PM
12/06/11 01:40 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,542
Ace Online
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Ace  Online
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Great post, Puppy. Glad it's posted as an MA article because I missed it as a post.

It's too bad that the dynamics you describe are far more prevalent than one might think.

I misunderstood the title and wondered if others may have misperceived like I did. I initially thought it meant "trying to get away from (leaving) an affair by yourself (alone) doesn't work." IOW one needs the help of someone else (MC, pastor, IC, etc.) to get away from an affair. While that may be true in some cases, it's not the premise of this article.

Maybe a tweak in the title might be helpful: "Ignoring an Affair Won't Make it Go Away" or something like that might be more helpful. Either way, it's still a great article.

Thanks,

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: By Puppy: Leaving an Affair Alone Doesn't Work [Re: Ace] #186735
12/09/11 01:21 AM
12/09/11 01:21 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
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Little Bo Peep is a huge mistake

Where are these people who get caught on tv and beg to stay?

Re: By Puppy: Leaving an Affair Alone Doesn't Work [Re: ] #208563
02/18/12 12:11 AM
02/18/12 12:11 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline

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B.U.M.P


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: By Puppy: Leaving an Affair Alone Doesn't Work [Re: Lil] #209414
02/20/12 07:32 PM
02/20/12 07:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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The Dark Side of the Moon
FYI:

This post by Puppy was published as an article.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens

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