So that I don't ramble on and on here's the gist of it:

My husband has been having an affair with a coworker of his since 2006. We have children together. Hes up and down with me from wanting and loving me to hating me. He has a tendancy to find a way to blame me for his actions. He moved out and took all his things in front of me and the kids without us knowing why. I started seeing someone after that and when he found out he told me he wanted to come home to make sure I got what I needed from him and not someone else and wouldn't let me go and see the man I was seeing. Now he's back to spending nights out of the house without any explanation, he just kisses us all goodnight and tells us he'll see us tomorrow. He forced himself on me last week, while Im telling him no and to get off of me because it hurt he's continuing and telling me no he won't stop because Im his wife and if I can give it to that other guy I can give it to him. I went into the ER for abdominal pains because of that and told them what happened. A police report was made but I didn't have him arrested because then the rent can't be paid and the kids have no where to live and I have no money to move all our things and for a new place to live. He has been convicted of spousal abuse in 2008 and did a year of probation and anger management. He told our landlord about the rape thing (don't know why)and the landlord told him for safety reasons one of us had to leave the premises by Oct 1 or we would all have to go. He told me that if he goes he won't help me pay the rent because he needs to live too and that I had to pay it myself which he knows I can't do. So I told him the only way the kids could have stability is if he stayed so that they're not traumatized by being evicted later when the rent isn't paid. Hes been happily boxing my things and putting them outside in preparation for the 1st all the while spending nights out of the house and coming back the next night. Dont know what to do and I don't want to stress out and have an onset of early labor. There are no family members or friends to stay with. I wish I were that fortunate. I was the one with the biggest house who was always asked by people if they could stay with us. Now I don't have a place to go. Very confused as to how a husband could do this to his pregnant wife and be okay with it. ??

starbar,

This is an overwhelming amount of issues to deal with: infidelity, rape, pregnancy, eviction....

(((((((((((starbar))))))))))))

First...what do you want to do? Do you want to remain married to a man who treats you this badly? Or are you afraid you have no options or choice?

There have got to be some resources in your area to help women who are in abusive relationships. What part of the country do you live in?

Im in Hawaii. I want to get custody of the kids and find a place I can afford on my own when Ive saved up enough. There's still the issue of being pregnant and not stressing out, and having to do this with a newborn on my hands. All the while he's saying Im not equipped to take care of our children and he wants them all, including the new baby, while I can't be around. He says he has family and friends that can do all the things I would be doing. I don't understand how I get kicked out of my whole position of mother just because he says so.

Aloha Starbar808,

I am sorry u r here. What you describe shows a lot of pain and suffering for you and your family.

There is help available. Each main town has a women's shelter facility and temporary housing. These agencies can also provide counseling and medical care along with the basic necessities as needed. There are other avenues of help as well.

Let us know how we can help.

Take care,
L.

Starbar,

I'm on Oahu. Here's my email addy: mborchid2@yahoo.com

Email if you like and we can talk off line about local services.
Can't make guarantees but may be able to help some.

Does his family know what he is doing to his family?

L.

I spoke to someone on the phone today, a number I called from the yellow card the officer gave me at the hospital, they told me that some of the shelters will only take me if Im "fleeing my batterer." Im having a hard time with the word "batterer" and feel like Id be lying if I went in and said I needed to get away from someone who I don't see as "battering" me. Maybe I think too much. She said don't say you're just looking for temporary housing because then I won't get help, only if Im fleeing my batterer. ??? I feel like there isn't any help for someone in my situation because Im not bleeding and bruised or battered in that sense.

His family believes what he says. Hes telling everyone we know that Im moving out with the guy Im seeing. So people think Im leaving him and the kids for some guy.

Battering comes in many forms, not just physical.

Email me so we can talk.

Take care,
L.

starbar,

He raped you honey...and that's a form of battery. Battery is concerned with the right to have one's body left alone by others....you are not lying when you call your husband a "batterer". Send an email to Orchid...she's very special and you're lucky she's close by. I know she'll do her best to help you find some resources where you can find help.

My husband still says he doesn't understand how I called it rape when I said to just hurry up and get it over with. I told him that after all the struggling to make it a little easier to handle. I said no many times and struggled to get away but Im 7 months pregnant, it was 11pm and I was exhausted, plus I started having abdominal pains during the struggling. As soon as I relaxed and said fine just hurry, it went by faster. That was the goal, not to be struggling the whole time and elongating it. But he still says Im lying to get him in trouble so I can use this against him in court. I think the first conviction already could be used in court.

I wish you would call your police department and talk to them right now. See about a restraining order, so he has to go. He was convicted of spousal abuse and he raped you. If you had had him arrested he would be in jail now and he wouldn't be able to go near you now.

Please don't let yourself be raped and then not press charges because of rent. Your body, you, your mind, your little baby in you is worth more than rent.

Also, is there a crisis line you can call, maybe they have a save place to hide you from him.

Please call the police as soon as you read this.

I spoke to someone today from that hotline I called regarding TROs. She said I could get a kick out order for him but that he wouldnt be required to help pay the rent. If me and the kids were to get kicked out of here for the month of November I would have nowhere to take them, no way to move, nowhere to put all these things. That would be another traumatizing thing for them to deal with besides seeing dad get arrested and put in jail. It just didn't seem like a smart thing to do at the time. It would lead to a chain of events that I don't have the strength or resources to deal with. =(

Here is the contact information for the national domestic abuse hotline they can help you now and with shelter, please call them right now.

1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
ANONYMOUS & CONFIDENTIAL HELP 24/7

starbar....tinkerbell is also in a horrible situation...and she's taken the time to reach out to you with some very good advice.

I am so worried. I am sorry but with his record and he raped you....he I wish was in jail, to keep him away from you.

Look, don't sit there thinking oh he is gone till morning. Use this time to call the cops, tell them how he is tossing you out. Than hang up and call that hotline, they can probably get you a place tonight.

You and your kids should be away from him.

He could be doing this, raping so you loose the baby.

Please don't think oh this is ok, it is rape, it is so against the law.

Even though he is your husband, illegal ok.

Just call those two places ok see what they say. Now, since he raped you has he done anything else, yelled, scared you? If so tell the cops that, they will talk to him. They will send officers to talk to him, maybe talk some sense into him about booting a pregnant woman out onto the streets.

Where are you, you have no family? Can you call them and tell them what happened at least, so they know what is going on?

tink

On the phone now. Thanks for the help!

Please let us know you are okay.

Sorry Im typing quickly. My husband is here and not happy that I called the landlord to clarify what he said about one of us having to leave. The landlord told me that if we are reconciling and everything is okay then we can stay and everythings fine, but if we are not reconciling than one of us has to go. All the while my husband is yelling in the background that we are not reconciling and one of us is going to have to leave. My landlord said he didn't want to get involved and that he's not kicking anyone out, he just wants everyone safe. My husband is, at this moment, throwing a fit and telling me hes the only one who can afford the rent and to house the kids so I have to go. He purchased boxes and tape and in boxing all my things as I type. Im sorry for sounding blunt but Im trying to rush here. =( Sorry everyone. I did speak to someone on the phone who gave me numbers of places I can call and go to tonight. I really wish I had the strength to deal with this storm going on around me right now. Its really hard to know Im not important and Im not wanted.

=(( Okay, while Im doing all this typing Im being yelled at. TRO kick out order tomorrow.

Stay by the phone. Get your children ready.

Starbar,

Is there anyone you can call right now? Please do not hesitate to do so immediately.

L.

=(

Can you call me? 808-230-3853 Will take the # down after you call me.

Starbar,

Please let us know how you are.

L.

Im okay. He left and Im talking to my pastor. =)