Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 4 guests, and 33 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
2.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
3.SIHW is back and Dealing with issues....0
4.looking for some support0
5.Social Networking Sites and Infidelity0
6.Signs of Infidelity0
7.The Difference Between Cheating and Infidelity?0
8.Not really sure how to survive0
9.The Five Big Lies That Keep You From Changing0
10.Pregnant and getting put out of the house by my husband0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
BR: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It - Patricia Love and Steven Stosney #94908
04/16/11 01:33 AM
04/16/11 01:33 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline OP
Member
CajunRose  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
Thank you very much to flowmom, who recommended this book to me.

The authors maintain that the key to a better relationship is not communication skills, but connection between the partners. Connection is lost when the woman feels fear and the man feels shame.

Some ways in which women invoke shame in their men:
Originally Posted By: pp. 66-67
*Robbing him of the opportunity to help (by overfunctioning and overdoing)...
*Correcting what he said...
*Questioning his judgement...
*Giving unsolicited advice...
*Ignoring his advice...
*Overreacting...
*Focusing on what I didn't get, not what I did...
*Name-calling...
*Generalizing...
*Focusing on my own unhappiness


Men create fear in women by leaving them alone emotionally.

Generally whenever a woman feels fear, her partner is feeling shame, and vice versa. When you begin to feel those feelings, step outside yourself and try to see things from your partner's perspective. When your partner is embroiled in negative emotions, "step into the puddle" with them to help them out of it. This increases your connection.

In your communication, you must also think about motivation - not goals. All communication has one of three motivations - approach, attack, or avoid.

I highly recommend this book and I wish it had been one of the very first that I read. I agreed with the author's descriptions of what women felt and how to soothe those fears, and the descriptions of the male perspective seemed to fit my STBXH very well. If you are a women with a WAH/WH who had strong shame tendencies anyway, read this early in your journey.


Last edited by CajunRose; 04/16/11 03:11 AM. Reason: fix per flo

Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: BR: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It - Patricia Love and Steven Stosney [Re: CajunRose] #94914
04/16/11 01:55 AM
04/16/11 01:55 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
flowmom Offline
Member
flowmom  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
Originally Posted By: CajunRose
Some ways in which women invoke fear shame in their men


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: BR: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It - Patricia Love and Steven Stosney [Re: flowmom] #94960
04/16/11 03:11 AM
04/16/11 03:11 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline OP
Member
CajunRose  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
Thank you, I fixed that mistake.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: BR: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It - Patricia Love and Steven Stosney [Re: CajunRose] #128165
06/29/11 08:16 PM
06/29/11 08:16 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
flowmom Offline
Member
flowmom  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
I found an excellent summary of Chapter Four of
"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"
Patricia Love, Ed.D and Steven Stosny, Ph.D

The Worst Thing a Woman Does to a Man: Shaming
http://warmsouthernbreeze.wordpress.com/2011/02/21/making-a-loving-relationship-more-loving/

The article includes an inventory of female behaviours and words that men experience as shaming.

Here's a couple exercise that seems to be based on the above book...a good introduction to and summary of the concepts covered in that book:
http://www.thepmrc.org/files/celebratelove/couples/07_may.pdf


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: BR: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It - Patricia Love and Steven Stosney [Re: flowmom] #128944
07/01/11 02:05 AM
07/01/11 02:05 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
Board of Directors
AntigoneRisen  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
Originally Posted By: flowmom


Shaming = counterproductive. Seriously bad. Shaming is the opposite of what Dr. Willard Harley calls Admiration, which is a huge emotional need for most men. Mark Gungor covers this, as well, and he's funny... wink



Bottom line: this is one of the worst things you can do. Most experts hit quite heavily on this subject.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: BR: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It - Patricia Love and Steven Stosney [Re: AntigoneRisen] #365541
10/16/14 12:58 PM
10/16/14 12:58 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
Rich57 Offline
Advocate
Rich57  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
I believe their are two threads on this book.

This one and the one linked below.
It is a great book IMHO.

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthre...arriag#Post1115


Moderated by  Fiddler 

Newest Members
Love_Smacked, starfire, JoyfulMimi, bruers, shattered72
2048 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Hearts Blessing4
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
63 Marriage Facts1
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Updates Divorce Stats4
no more rainbow members?9
BR - The Art of War - Sun Tzu5
Questions & Answers About Marriage---responses from 7-10 year old kids4
seeing new members on mobile version5
Return of the Goddess31
Community Information
2048Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8500Topics
463377Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.016s Queries: 14 (0.003s) Memory: 3.1641 MB (Peak: 3.3298 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2021-10-25 13:52:37 UTC