Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 3 guests, and 30 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
2.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
3.SIHW is back and Dealing with issues....0
4.looking for some support0
5.Social Networking Sites and Infidelity0
6.Signs of Infidelity0
7.The Difference Between Cheating and Infidelity?0
8.Not really sure how to survive0
9.The Five Big Lies That Keep You From Changing0
10.Pregnant and getting put out of the house by my husband0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! #9706
10/12/10 03:33 AM
10/12/10 03:33 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline OP
Board of Directors
AntigoneRisen  Offline OP
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
I originally wrote this years ago for the Marriage Builders forum, and subsequently posted it on Save Your Marriage Central. I'm reposting it here.

*****************************************************

I see so many that do it, and fall of the wagon so often that they might as well not be in Plan B (Marriage Builders concept). Apparently, they do not see the harm in this. What I am, therefore, going to do is translate a conversation with a WS during Plan B into what the conversation is actually conveying.

What you think goes on:

WS: "I've really been missing you and think that I might be making a mistake."

BS: "Are you still with her/him?"

And the conversation goes on innocently enough. The BS doesn't use Love Busters (demands, disrespect, anger), and thinks that he/she is making good logical points. "See? I'm calm. I've shown him/her what is going on. I've said what I needed to say. Maybe this time he/she will hear me. Maybe this time it will make a difference."

Oh, naive BS. You've just given the WS the reassurance he/she needs to continue straddling the fence. When the WS is willing to make real changes, you will SEE it. These conversations do not give the whole cake, these are a few crumbs tossed your way to see if you will still bite.

HERE IS WHAT IS ACTUALLY GOING ON:

WS: "I'm starting to feel uneasy about whether or not you are there for me. Please tell me that you are still on the hook whenever I want you and that I can continue my cake eating."

BS: "Yes, I love you and I'm here. Obviously, I'm still on the hook because I'm investing time, emotion, and effort into speaking with you. See, you are still able to upset me and push my buttons. I am obviously still here to be your doormat no matter what your actions are. You can safely continue to do what you are doing and rest assured I will be here waiting for you."

Now, please, for the love of God and the sake of your own marriage - NO CONTACT.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #9740
10/12/10 06:51 AM
10/12/10 06:51 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
AR,

What you wrote is true but often very difficult for a BS to master. So the road to moving forward gets a bit bumpy.

I know, I faltered many times. Even with all the help I had on board, it took the WS making his foggy statement of: "....well as long as you continue to put up with me and pay the bills and stuff, I will keep doing this (having the A)."

WHAT?!?!?!?! Was that a legitimate blame? Well it had it's merit but it was NOT why I was allowing contact. So plan B became stronger.....still it took a while since I was obviously easily fooled with his false recoveries.

After I got tired of being a yo-yo and really put my foot down did I get some relief. It was hard to keep down.

NC is a challenge to the WS and OP. Most can't resist taking jabs at the BS and family. There is some sick pleasure they derive from it.

Therein lies a key to survival.....that's how I came up with reverse babble as a technique. I had been doing it somewhat but it kicked into high gear to where it sent the WS into tears.... I mean really how could Orchid (who was the giver of all givers - so it seemed) NOT continue t/b the honorary A punching bag. Well.... when Orchid did the about face and could keep it there, then Orchid had less anxiety attacks, slept better, focused at work and family more, plus moving forward.

This all took time. My mind and heart had t/b in sync for this step to work. That is where many of us falter. Not getting our support lined up with a POA (plan of action) and identifying/implementing our personal boundaries. Those are key to moving forward. Those are key in giving the BS the strength to make NC work.

So is stopping talking to the WS enough? I think not, but if it needs to happen, get prepared 1st.


JMHO,
L.


Orchid
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #9742
10/12/10 07:11 AM
10/12/10 07:11 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,467
right here waiting Offline
Board of Directors
President
right here waiting  Offline
Board of Directors
President
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,467
Originally Posted by AntigoneRisen
I see so many that do it, and fall of the wagon so often that they might as well not be in Plan B (Marriage Builders concept). Apparently, they do not see the harm in this. What I am, therefore, going to do is translate a conversation with a WS during Plan B into what the conversation is actually conveying.

What you think goes on:

WS: "I've really been missing you and think that I might be making a mistake."

BS: "Are you still with her/him?"

And the conversation goes on innocently enough. The BS doesn't use Love Busters (demands, disrespect, anger), and thinks that he/she is making good logical points. "See? I'm calm. I've shown him/her what is going on. I've said what I needed to say. Maybe this time he/she will hear me. Maybe this time it will make a difference."

Oh, naive BS. You've just given the WS the reassurance he/she needs to continue straddling the fence. When the WS is willing to make real changes, you will SEE it. These conversations do not give the whole cake, these are a few crumbs tossed your way to see if you will still bite.

HERE IS WHAT IS ACTUALLY GOING ON:

WS: "I'm starting to feel uneasy about whether or not you are there for me. Please tell me that you are still on the hook whenever I want you and that I can continue my cake eating."

BS: "Yes, I love you and I'm here. Obviously, I'm still on the hook because I'm investing time, emotion, and effort into speaking with you. See, you are still able to upset me and push my buttons. I am obviously still here to be your doormat no matter what your actions are. You can safely continue to do what you are doing and rest assured I will be here waiting for you."

Now, please, for the love of God and the sake of your own marriage - NO CONTACT.


I never saw this at either of those places, so thank you for posting it here. It's brilliant. Mind if we copy it for BS's new to NC?

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Orchid2] #9743
10/12/10 07:19 AM
10/12/10 07:19 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline OP
Board of Directors
AntigoneRisen  Offline OP
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
Originally Posted by Orchid2
AR,

What you wrote is true but often very difficult for a BS to master. So the road to moving forward gets a bit bumpy.


So true. It is very difficult. Dealing with difficult situations is never easy. It requires a lot of personal discipline, and a healthy self-esteem (or the ability to convincingly fake both).

This is why I strongly recommend a daily dose of Vitamin F- It. Vitamin F- It should be taken in measured doses by anyone obsessing over a person or situation. Worried about what your WS is doing? Can't sleep? These are symptoms of a Vitamin F- It deficiency.

Quote
I know, I faltered many times. Even with all the help I had on board, it took the WS making his foggy statement of: "....well as long as you continue to put up with me and pay the bills and stuff, I will keep doing this (having the A)."


You were lucky in that you had a WS with the sheer audacity to admit the truth. Of course, that's on a relative scale of luck.

Quote
So plan B became stronger.....still it took a while since I was obviously easily fooled with his false recoveries.


Yes, the false recoveries. So easy to fall for them... The BS in Plan B is wanting it to be over, and successful, very quickly. Consequently, a BS is very likely to accept anything that remotely looks or sounds like a recovery.

Quote
NC is a challenge to the WS and OP. Most can't resist taking jabs at the BS and family. There is some sick pleasure they derive from it.


I'm less sympathetic about a WS breaking No Contact with the OP than I am about a BS breaking No Contact with a WS. When an OP repeatedly breaks No Contact in the absence of any encouragement from the WS, I advocate a restraining order. The contact between a WS and an OP seems to be more addictive, perhaps because that is often the only source of validation of their relationship and actions.

Quote
Therein lies a key to survival.....that's how I came up with reverse babble as a technique. I had been doing it somewhat but it kicked into high gear to where it sent the WS into tears....


Oh, wow. I need to hear about the "reverse babble" technique.

Quote
I mean really how could Orchid (who was the giver of all givers - so it seemed) NOT continue t/b the honorary A punching bag. Well.... when Orchid did the about face and could keep it there, then Orchid had less anxiety attacks, slept better, focused at work and family more, plus moving forward.


This I do understand. It feels so good when you finally, really get off the emotional roller coaster.

Quote
This all took time. My mind and heart had t/b in sync for this step to work.


Yes, sometimes people just aren't there, and often don't want to be there.

Quote
Not getting our support lined up with a POA (plan of action) and identifying/implementing our personal boundaries. Those are key to moving forward. Those are key in giving the BS the strength to make NC work.


Absolutely.

Quote
So is stopping talking to the WS enough? I think not, but if it needs to happen, get prepared 1st.


Well, as long as the WS receives NC and sees a person who is calmly moving forward, it's enough for that portion. It isn't enough for the BS. It is a time of self-connection, self-healing, and self-love. Time to ground, and focus on your life.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: right here waiting] #9744
10/12/10 07:20 AM
10/12/10 07:20 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline OP
Board of Directors
AntigoneRisen  Offline OP
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
Originally Posted by right here waiting

I never saw this at either of those places, so thank you for posting it here. It's brilliant. Mind if we copy it for BS's new to NC?


Nope. Copy, distribute... I'm fine with it. smile


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #9838
10/12/10 05:40 PM
10/12/10 05:40 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
Member
for to fade  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
I just read all of this. I am backward today, slept badly and then I feel a mess. I was doing so well and the other day he was here because he was worried about me, and then back to square one?

I was doing well, I felt good, like I am doing the nc and doing things and he will see me. And then he shows up because he was worried, like I am some poor little thing that can't be alone. I was here alone all these months, and in a worse mental state, he didn't seem too worried then, in fact he was rather cruel. So, was he actually worried, or what? He likes me on a leash I think. I am bothered. Yes I do want this overwith now, I can see this not be overwith anytime soon. I have to set my mind...

coffee
facemask
long movie...lord of the rings, all three
oh i do need food, will fit that in somewhere

Must calm, he did notice the nc and when standing there "worried" I said you are crossing my boundary.

Only thing is now I am all worried, was that too strong to say? Will he think, fine I will continue and just not talk to you, and one day if you die someone will call me?

Ok, need coffee, need to be out of this thought.

And the posting about slipping, should I slip and leave some profound message? But I don't want to get on the calling doormat merrygoround.

tink


Last edited by tinkerbell; 10/12/10 05:45 PM.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #9841
10/12/10 05:43 PM
10/12/10 05:43 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,926
Medc Offline
Suspended
Medc  Offline
Suspended
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,926
Quote
Only thing is now I am all worried, was that too strong to say?


This is not Plan B by a long shot.

I will suggest to you that if you continue down this road of waiting and worrying about him, your opportunity for personal growth will be squandered.




Don't go shaking the [Bleep!] tree and expect an angel to fall out.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat...know it and don't be surprised. Protect yourself.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Medc] #9849
10/12/10 05:51 PM
10/12/10 05:51 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
Member
for to fade  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
You are right, it was plan b until he beat on the door and was worried.

I did say you are crossing my boundary.

I must think of this as a jet, with a planeload of passengers, on the runway, you are ready or not. You don't just start the takeoff and then see how it is going, well they do and sometimes abort and crash....

plan b is emplimented as a takeoff

I have decided I will not open the door if he comes here again.

You are right, all the confidence I had went out the window in a way with him there declaring I was worried.

He wasn't worried before......

Any contact I will have in my head now as a complete restart....

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #9852
10/12/10 05:55 PM
10/12/10 05:55 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,219
Florida
Gladstone Offline
Board of Directors
Secretary
Gladstone  Offline
Board of Directors
Secretary
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,219
Florida
Tinkerbell, I can see you've come a long way from when you started here. You're moving in the right direction.

You do need to stop worrying about what he is up to. Make a conscious decision, every time you think about him, to put him out of your mind for now. Keep doing that until it becomes a habit.

But don't beat yourself up about him coming by. What you told him was fine, short and to the point. Now, see what you can do to make sure you are ready if he comes by again. Change the locks? If he comes by again, don't answer the door. That kind of thing.

Last edited by Gladstone; 10/12/10 05:56 PM.

**Formerly known as Cuthbert Calculus**

"There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottle going about in sea boots."

Glad Tidings

Gladstone's Sucess Story
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #9858
10/12/10 06:29 PM
10/12/10 06:29 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
catperson Offline
Member
catperson  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
Originally Posted by tinkerbell
And then he shows up because he was worried, like I am some poor little thing that can't be alone. I was here alone all these months, and in a worse mental state, he didn't seem too worried then, in fact he was rather cruel. So, was he actually worried, or what? He likes me on a leash I think.
It's more like he doesn't like losing control. You have taken back control of your life and he doesn't like it. So he's going to push and push, to get you to back down. Expect more hassles.

Just remember the hassles have NOTHING to do with him caring about you. Only caring about making HIMSELF happy.

Don't open the door.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: catperson] #9899
10/12/10 08:13 PM
10/12/10 08:13 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,467
right here waiting Offline
Board of Directors
President
right here waiting  Offline
Board of Directors
President
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,467
What cat said, Tink. He's worried about losing control of the situation, where he's got both women right where he wants them. As long as everybody kept up their part, he had no worries--and no reason to change anything.

Still, all he's got now is an inkling that you might be shifting away. He's pretty sure he can get you back to the place you were before, but he can see that he's gonna have to get a bit more creative. SO EXPECT HIM TO TRY!

Best protection? Dark, dark, DARK! That means in your head too. No thinking about what he's thinking about what you were thinking when he said... It's a maze that ends in the looney bin.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: catperson] #9929
10/12/10 10:03 PM
10/12/10 10:03 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline OP
Board of Directors
AntigoneRisen  Offline OP
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
Quote
Only thing is now I am all worried, was that too strong to say?


No. I would have taken the mail from him, and shut the door. Wordlessly. And you think reminding him of the boundaries he's crossing is too strong?

Quote
Will he think, fine I will continue and just not talk to you, and one day if you die someone will call me?


He will think a lot of things, and it will change on a fairly rapid basis. It hardly matters. I suggest you focus on improving your self-esteem.

Quote
And the posting about slipping, should I slip and leave some profound message?


The only profound message I would suggest you give him is complete silence, and no attempt to contact. Sweetie, that is a profound message.

Quote
But I don't want to get on the calling doormat merrygoround.


I suggest you try to forget he even has a phone.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: catperson] #9930
10/12/10 10:05 PM
10/12/10 10:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline OP
Board of Directors
AntigoneRisen  Offline OP
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
Quote
Just remember the hassles have NOTHING to do with him caring about you. Only caring about making HIMSELF happy.


Yes! I want to make this flash in bold red...
:bullseye: :bullseye: :bullseye: :bullseye: :bullseye:


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #9934
10/12/10 10:14 PM
10/12/10 10:14 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
O
OurHouse Offline
Member
OurHouse  Offline
Member
O
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
You have to learn to forgive yourself a possible slip in Plan B.

You should not have opened the door, but you did. You handled it pretty well (I like AR's response...). And now, as Gladstone suggested you put in place a plan so that if this happens again, you will know exactly what to do.

You really need an intermediary. I know your daughters aren't speaking to him, but for your sake, will one of them agree to being an IM?

Next time the doorbell rings, ask who it is (or do you have a window you can see out of?). If it's him, then do not OPEN THE DOOR. If he starts pounding on the door give him one warning that you are calling 911 if he doesn't go away and then do it.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: OurHouse] #9955
10/12/10 11:32 PM
10/12/10 11:32 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
Member
for to fade  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
I have a headache from all this. On top of it all, did I tell you how where he lived before the landlady is suing him? Well, something was broken and he said to send the bill and she did this instead. And he gave her our address, and then left me. So, today, lucky me a sheriff was pounding on the door. The last time I told them he isn't here and I decided to not answer, it is too degrading telling them he isn't here.

My one daughter, she is stone, she would be perfect, but she is in a double major, she would be good. But I would no way want to jeopardize her college over his philandering. Plus, I think if I asked her she would hang up on me and not talk to me for awhile.

I made it very clear that the letter had boundaries, and why and when etc. So, if he didn't read it at that point, I am sure he did when I told him the letter etc.

If it happens again, I won't answer, will do the I will call 911. If it continues, I could do another letter, but you are right silence is a profound message, so that will be the message.

And hey, if this continues wouldn't that be the outcome anyway? Never seeing me again? So, hello, what do you expect, you are there, you left me etc...this is odd.

You would think he would be thrilled to have gotten that letter.

I realized I have a headache because I haven't had coffee yet, I was going to and then, the sheriff...

I feel like I am on the cops show, with the bad boys tune playing, good grief. Over a broken sink drain. Yeah, thanks, harrass the sick wife, thanks everyone, his old landlady and the sheriff now know how sick I am with my cancer etc, I told them both, and wow I still get them over here. Our new neighbors must be having a hey day from this.

If only I were a writer, I would write a memoir.

Ok, should not have opened door, only had about an hour of sleep.

Another plus I need to do, since I did clean out the garage, will put car in there. That way he won't be able to see if I am here or not from afar, he would have to look into garage window, oh I could see neighbors calling the cops on that one. I didn't do it yet since I haven't ordered a garage door opener, but hello, it is easy to open and shut.

Never thought when I got married all this would be going on, good grief.

Guess what, usually when upset I buy all kinds of junk, I didn't do that at the store, all healthy. But now that I am home, wish I had...I did get low salt low fat popcorn, and diet pepsi...big whoop lol

tink




Last edited by tinkerbell; 10/12/10 11:35 PM.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #9966
10/13/10 12:17 AM
10/13/10 12:17 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
O
OurHouse Offline
Member
OurHouse  Offline
Member
O
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
Good idea about the car. Do whatever you can do to prevent another episode of "husband at door".

Landlady? Sorry, Tinkerbell...this is his problem. Swallow your pride, tell the landlady you are separated and that his apartment is not any of your business. If she threatens, then tell her to go to he police. They are not going to haul you in. You might want to talk to a lawyer too.

You really need an intermediary. You do NOT need his drama.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: OurHouse] #9979
10/13/10 12:48 AM
10/13/10 12:48 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
Member
for to fade  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
What would be perfect is if I could go into a witness protection like thing hahahaha

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #9994
10/13/10 02:21 AM
10/13/10 02:21 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 932
Texas - that narrows it a bit ...
Vibrissa Offline
Member
Vibrissa  Offline
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 932
Texas - that narrows it a bit ...
Tink, I wholeheartedly agree with OH you NEED an IM. It will help keep the crazy away and give you space to heal and grow on your own.

I'd hesitate to suggest your daughters. I am sure this situation is stressful enough as it is. It sucks being stuck between your parents. I grew up that way and there's not much you can do to NOT make it miserable.

Perhaps a close family friend? Extended family member? Religious leader? Ideally it would be someone neutral, someone your husband doesn't view as an enemy or on 'your side' and vice a versa.

Anyone you can think of who can do this for you?


Moi: 33
DH: Kenichi 33
M: 8/2005
DD 6 yrs
DS 3 yrs
Ze Blog
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Vibrissa] #9996
10/13/10 02:23 AM
10/13/10 02:23 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
O
OurHouse Offline
Member
OurHouse  Offline
Member
O
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
I think there might have been a few volunteers from this board. Is that right, Tinkerbell?

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: OurHouse] #9999
10/13/10 02:33 AM
10/13/10 02:33 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
Member
for to fade  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
Yes, there are....

He is so flipped out already, I don't want to push him further away.....

Will see how my nc goes, and won't open door etc.

If I were a great beauty maybe this would not have happened.

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #10000
10/13/10 02:38 AM
10/13/10 02:38 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
O
OurHouse Offline
Member
OurHouse  Offline
Member
O
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
Tinkerbell, please stop thinking that this is YOUR fault! Maybe you own 50% of the blame for the state of the marriage before he got so whacked out and became wayward. Maybe he's just whacked out and it had little to do with the marriage. Whatever it is, it's NOT. ABOUT. YOU.

And statements like this:

Quote
He is so flipped out already, I don't want to push him further away.....


is NOT you in a no contact, Plan B. And how much further away could he possibly be? Tinkerbell, he's about as far away as he can get. There is no more down here. There is only up.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #10003
10/13/10 02:50 AM
10/13/10 02:50 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 932
Texas - that narrows it a bit ...
Vibrissa Offline
Member
Vibrissa  Offline
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 932
Texas - that narrows it a bit ...
Originally Posted by tinkerbell
If I were a great beauty maybe this would not have happened.


Ever see Halle Berry, or Sandra Bullock? I can't imagine more physically beautiful women.

Cheaters cheat because that is who they chose to be. His adultery is a reflection of HIM, not you.

Tink, I know it is hard, but you have to focus on yourself and YOUR actions and choices. Not his. Dwelling on thoughts of him, what he's thinking, what he is doing is going to keep you stuck, those thoughts violate the spirit of NC.

Your husband, the man you love is GONE. He has been replaced by an adulterer. THAT is why NC is so essential for you. You need to protect yourself from him because he is abusing you with his affair.

You have already done ALL you can do to fix this. You have done all you can do to save this marriage. Now all you can do is wait out the affair. You can't MAKE his decision for him, you can't shake sense into him. He may come back but he may not. If he doesn't it it is because of HIS choices.

Perhaps you could try this: for the next 30 days plan something for each day. A little indulgence, a get together with friends, an activity you have always wanted to do, a restaurant you always wanted to go to but your H disliked. An activity for YOU for each of the next 30 days.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 10/13/10 02:50 AM.

Moi: 33
DH: Kenichi 33
M: 8/2005
DD 6 yrs
DS 3 yrs
Ze Blog
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #10078
10/13/10 02:35 PM
10/13/10 02:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,926
Medc Offline
Suspended
Medc  Offline
Suspended
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,926
Originally Posted by tinkerbell
Yes, there are....

He is so flipped out already, I don't want to push him further away.....

Will see how my nc goes, and won't open door etc.

If I were a great beauty maybe this would not have happened.

tink


repeat after me...

PLAN B IS NOT ABOUT MY HUSBAND. IT IS ABOUT ME AND MY BOUNDARIES.

PLAN B IS NOT ABOUT MY HUSBAND. IT IS ABOUT ME AND MY BOUNDARIES.

PLAN B IS NOT ABOUT MY HUSBAND. IT IS ABOUT ME AND MY BOUNDARIES.

PLAN B IS NOT ABOUT MY HUSBAND. IT IS ABOUT ME AND MY BOUNDARIES.



Don't go shaking the [Bleep!] tree and expect an angel to fall out.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat...know it and don't be surprised. Protect yourself.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Medc] #10284
10/14/10 12:20 AM
10/14/10 12:20 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,806
NewEveryDay Offline
Advocate
NewEveryDay  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,806
I read something interesting today on the Al Turtle site, What To Do When Your Spouse Leaves. It suggests to be available, minimally. I totally understand the benefits of a Dark Plan B in cases of ongoing infidelity or domestic violence. But I did want to add this for folks in plan B for other reasons.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: NewEveryDay] #10290
10/14/10 01:07 AM
10/14/10 01:07 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
Member
for to fade  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
Not only an ongoing affair but living at her place...ugh

Still in nc

alone

calm

nc

tink

Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Chrysalis 

Newest Members
Love_Smacked, starfire, JoyfulMimi, bruers, shattered72
2048 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Hearts Blessing4
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
63 Marriage Facts1
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Updates Divorce Stats4
no more rainbow members?9
BR - The Art of War - Sun Tzu5
Questions & Answers About Marriage---responses from 7-10 year old kids4
seeing new members on mobile version5
Return of the Goddess31
Community Information
2048Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8500Topics
463376Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.027s Queries: 14 (0.005s) Memory: 3.3814 MB (Peak: 3.7504 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2021-10-20 23:27:39 UTC