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If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! #9706
10/12/10 03:33 AM
10/12/10 03:33 AM
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AntigoneRisen Offline OP
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I originally wrote this years ago for the Marriage Builders forum, and subsequently posted it on Save Your Marriage Central. I'm reposting it here.

*****************************************************

I see so many that do it, and fall of the wagon so often that they might as well not be in Plan B (Marriage Builders concept). Apparently, they do not see the harm in this. What I am, therefore, going to do is translate a conversation with a WS during Plan B into what the conversation is actually conveying.

What you think goes on:

WS: "I've really been missing you and think that I might be making a mistake."

BS: "Are you still with her/him?"

And the conversation goes on innocently enough. The BS doesn't use Love Busters (demands, disrespect, anger), and thinks that he/she is making good logical points. "See? I'm calm. I've shown him/her what is going on. I've said what I needed to say. Maybe this time he/she will hear me. Maybe this time it will make a difference."

Oh, naive BS. You've just given the WS the reassurance he/she needs to continue straddling the fence. When the WS is willing to make real changes, you will SEE it. These conversations do not give the whole cake, these are a few crumbs tossed your way to see if you will still bite.

HERE IS WHAT IS ACTUALLY GOING ON:

WS: "I'm starting to feel uneasy about whether or not you are there for me. Please tell me that you are still on the hook whenever I want you and that I can continue my cake eating."

BS: "Yes, I love you and I'm here. Obviously, I'm still on the hook because I'm investing time, emotion, and effort into speaking with you. See, you are still able to upset me and push my buttons. I am obviously still here to be your doormat no matter what your actions are. You can safely continue to do what you are doing and rest assured I will be here waiting for you."

Now, please, for the love of God and the sake of your own marriage - NO CONTACT.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #9740
10/12/10 06:51 AM
10/12/10 06:51 AM
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AR,

What you wrote is true but often very difficult for a BS to master. So the road to moving forward gets a bit bumpy.

I know, I faltered many times. Even with all the help I had on board, it took the WS making his foggy statement of: "....well as long as you continue to put up with me and pay the bills and stuff, I will keep doing this (having the A)."

WHAT?!?!?!?! Was that a legitimate blame? Well it had it's merit but it was NOT why I was allowing contact. So plan B became stronger.....still it took a while since I was obviously easily fooled with his false recoveries.

After I got tired of being a yo-yo and really put my foot down did I get some relief. It was hard to keep down.

NC is a challenge to the WS and OP. Most can't resist taking jabs at the BS and family. There is some sick pleasure they derive from it.

Therein lies a key to survival.....that's how I came up with reverse babble as a technique. I had been doing it somewhat but it kicked into high gear to where it sent the WS into tears.... I mean really how could Orchid (who was the giver of all givers - so it seemed) NOT continue t/b the honorary A punching bag. Well.... when Orchid did the about face and could keep it there, then Orchid had less anxiety attacks, slept better, focused at work and family more, plus moving forward.

This all took time. My mind and heart had t/b in sync for this step to work. That is where many of us falter. Not getting our support lined up with a POA (plan of action) and identifying/implementing our personal boundaries. Those are key to moving forward. Those are key in giving the BS the strength to make NC work.

So is stopping talking to the WS enough? I think not, but if it needs to happen, get prepared 1st.


JMHO,
L.


Orchid
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #9742
10/12/10 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by AntigoneRisen
I see so many that do it, and fall of the wagon so often that they might as well not be in Plan B (Marriage Builders concept). Apparently, they do not see the harm in this. What I am, therefore, going to do is translate a conversation with a WS during Plan B into what the conversation is actually conveying.

What you think goes on:

WS: "I've really been missing you and think that I might be making a mistake."

BS: "Are you still with her/him?"

And the conversation goes on innocently enough. The BS doesn't use Love Busters (demands, disrespect, anger), and thinks that he/she is making good logical points. "See? I'm calm. I've shown him/her what is going on. I've said what I needed to say. Maybe this time he/she will hear me. Maybe this time it will make a difference."

Oh, naive BS. You've just given the WS the reassurance he/she needs to continue straddling the fence. When the WS is willing to make real changes, you will SEE it. These conversations do not give the whole cake, these are a few crumbs tossed your way to see if you will still bite.

HERE IS WHAT IS ACTUALLY GOING ON:

WS: "I'm starting to feel uneasy about whether or not you are there for me. Please tell me that you are still on the hook whenever I want you and that I can continue my cake eating."

BS: "Yes, I love you and I'm here. Obviously, I'm still on the hook because I'm investing time, emotion, and effort into speaking with you. See, you are still able to upset me and push my buttons. I am obviously still here to be your doormat no matter what your actions are. You can safely continue to do what you are doing and rest assured I will be here waiting for you."

Now, please, for the love of God and the sake of your own marriage - NO CONTACT.


I never saw this at either of those places, so thank you for posting it here. It's brilliant. Mind if we copy it for BS's new to NC?

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Orchid2] #9743
10/12/10 07:19 AM
10/12/10 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Orchid2
AR,

What you wrote is true but often very difficult for a BS to master. So the road to moving forward gets a bit bumpy.


So true. It is very difficult. Dealing with difficult situations is never easy. It requires a lot of personal discipline, and a healthy self-esteem (or the ability to convincingly fake both).

This is why I strongly recommend a daily dose of Vitamin F- It. Vitamin F- It should be taken in measured doses by anyone obsessing over a person or situation. Worried about what your WS is doing? Can't sleep? These are symptoms of a Vitamin F- It deficiency.

Quote
I know, I faltered many times. Even with all the help I had on board, it took the WS making his foggy statement of: "....well as long as you continue to put up with me and pay the bills and stuff, I will keep doing this (having the A)."


You were lucky in that you had a WS with the sheer audacity to admit the truth. Of course, that's on a relative scale of luck.

Quote
So plan B became stronger.....still it took a while since I was obviously easily fooled with his false recoveries.


Yes, the false recoveries. So easy to fall for them... The BS in Plan B is wanting it to be over, and successful, very quickly. Consequently, a BS is very likely to accept anything that remotely looks or sounds like a recovery.

Quote
NC is a challenge to the WS and OP. Most can't resist taking jabs at the BS and family. There is some sick pleasure they derive from it.


I'm less sympathetic about a WS breaking No Contact with the OP than I am about a BS breaking No Contact with a WS. When an OP repeatedly breaks No Contact in the absence of any encouragement from the WS, I advocate a restraining order. The contact between a WS and an OP seems to be more addictive, perhaps because that is often the only source of validation of their relationship and actions.

Quote
Therein lies a key to survival.....that's how I came up with reverse babble as a technique. I had been doing it somewhat but it kicked into high gear to where it sent the WS into tears....


Oh, wow. I need to hear about the "reverse babble" technique.

Quote
I mean really how could Orchid (who was the giver of all givers - so it seemed) NOT continue t/b the honorary A punching bag. Well.... when Orchid did the about face and could keep it there, then Orchid had less anxiety attacks, slept better, focused at work and family more, plus moving forward.


This I do understand. It feels so good when you finally, really get off the emotional roller coaster.

Quote
This all took time. My mind and heart had t/b in sync for this step to work.


Yes, sometimes people just aren't there, and often don't want to be there.

Quote
Not getting our support lined up with a POA (plan of action) and identifying/implementing our personal boundaries. Those are key to moving forward. Those are key in giving the BS the strength to make NC work.


Absolutely.

Quote
So is stopping talking to the WS enough? I think not, but if it needs to happen, get prepared 1st.


Well, as long as the WS receives NC and sees a person who is calmly moving forward, it's enough for that portion. It isn't enough for the BS. It is a time of self-connection, self-healing, and self-love. Time to ground, and focus on your life.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: right here waiting] #9744
10/12/10 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by right here waiting

I never saw this at either of those places, so thank you for posting it here. It's brilliant. Mind if we copy it for BS's new to NC?


Nope. Copy, distribute... I'm fine with it. smile


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #9838
10/12/10 05:40 PM
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I just read all of this. I am backward today, slept badly and then I feel a mess. I was doing so well and the other day he was here because he was worried about me, and then back to square one?

I was doing well, I felt good, like I am doing the nc and doing things and he will see me. And then he shows up because he was worried, like I am some poor little thing that can't be alone. I was here alone all these months, and in a worse mental state, he didn't seem too worried then, in fact he was rather cruel. So, was he actually worried, or what? He likes me on a leash I think. I am bothered. Yes I do want this overwith now, I can see this not be overwith anytime soon. I have to set my mind...

coffee
facemask
long movie...lord of the rings, all three
oh i do need food, will fit that in somewhere

Must calm, he did notice the nc and when standing there "worried" I said you are crossing my boundary.

Only thing is now I am all worried, was that too strong to say? Will he think, fine I will continue and just not talk to you, and one day if you die someone will call me?

Ok, need coffee, need to be out of this thought.

And the posting about slipping, should I slip and leave some profound message? But I don't want to get on the calling doormat merrygoround.

tink


Last edited by tinkerbell; 10/12/10 05:45 PM.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #9841
10/12/10 05:43 PM
10/12/10 05:43 PM
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Quote
Only thing is now I am all worried, was that too strong to say?


This is not Plan B by a long shot.

I will suggest to you that if you continue down this road of waiting and worrying about him, your opportunity for personal growth will be squandered.




Don't go shaking the [Bleep!] tree and expect an angel to fall out.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat...know it and don't be surprised. Protect yourself.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Medc] #9849
10/12/10 05:51 PM
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You are right, it was plan b until he beat on the door and was worried.

I did say you are crossing my boundary.

I must think of this as a jet, with a planeload of passengers, on the runway, you are ready or not. You don't just start the takeoff and then see how it is going, well they do and sometimes abort and crash....

plan b is emplimented as a takeoff

I have decided I will not open the door if he comes here again.

You are right, all the confidence I had went out the window in a way with him there declaring I was worried.

He wasn't worried before......

Any contact I will have in my head now as a complete restart....

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #9852
10/12/10 05:55 PM
10/12/10 05:55 PM
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Tinkerbell, I can see you've come a long way from when you started here. You're moving in the right direction.

You do need to stop worrying about what he is up to. Make a conscious decision, every time you think about him, to put him out of your mind for now. Keep doing that until it becomes a habit.

But don't beat yourself up about him coming by. What you told him was fine, short and to the point. Now, see what you can do to make sure you are ready if he comes by again. Change the locks? If he comes by again, don't answer the door. That kind of thing.

Last edited by Gladstone; 10/12/10 05:56 PM.

**Formerly known as Cuthbert Calculus**

"There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottle going about in sea boots."

Glad Tidings

Gladstone's Sucess Story
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #9858
10/12/10 06:29 PM
10/12/10 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by tinkerbell
And then he shows up because he was worried, like I am some poor little thing that can't be alone. I was here alone all these months, and in a worse mental state, he didn't seem too worried then, in fact he was rather cruel. So, was he actually worried, or what? He likes me on a leash I think.
It's more like he doesn't like losing control. You have taken back control of your life and he doesn't like it. So he's going to push and push, to get you to back down. Expect more hassles.

Just remember the hassles have NOTHING to do with him caring about you. Only caring about making HIMSELF happy.

Don't open the door.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: catperson] #9899
10/12/10 08:13 PM
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What cat said, Tink. He's worried about losing control of the situation, where he's got both women right where he wants them. As long as everybody kept up their part, he had no worries--and no reason to change anything.

Still, all he's got now is an inkling that you might be shifting away. He's pretty sure he can get you back to the place you were before, but he can see that he's gonna have to get a bit more creative. SO EXPECT HIM TO TRY!

Best protection? Dark, dark, DARK! That means in your head too. No thinking about what he's thinking about what you were thinking when he said... It's a maze that ends in the looney bin.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: catperson] #9929
10/12/10 10:03 PM
10/12/10 10:03 PM
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Quote
Only thing is now I am all worried, was that too strong to say?


No. I would have taken the mail from him, and shut the door. Wordlessly. And you think reminding him of the boundaries he's crossing is too strong?

Quote
Will he think, fine I will continue and just not talk to you, and one day if you die someone will call me?


He will think a lot of things, and it will change on a fairly rapid basis. It hardly matters. I suggest you focus on improving your self-esteem.

Quote
And the posting about slipping, should I slip and leave some profound message?


The only profound message I would suggest you give him is complete silence, and no attempt to contact. Sweetie, that is a profound message.

Quote
But I don't want to get on the calling doormat merrygoround.


I suggest you try to forget he even has a phone.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: catperson] #9930
10/12/10 10:05 PM
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Quote
Just remember the hassles have NOTHING to do with him caring about you. Only caring about making HIMSELF happy.


Yes! I want to make this flash in bold red...
:bullseye: :bullseye: :bullseye: :bullseye: :bullseye:


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #9934
10/12/10 10:14 PM
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You have to learn to forgive yourself a possible slip in Plan B.

You should not have opened the door, but you did. You handled it pretty well (I like AR's response...). And now, as Gladstone suggested you put in place a plan so that if this happens again, you will know exactly what to do.

You really need an intermediary. I know your daughters aren't speaking to him, but for your sake, will one of them agree to being an IM?

Next time the doorbell rings, ask who it is (or do you have a window you can see out of?). If it's him, then do not OPEN THE DOOR. If he starts pounding on the door give him one warning that you are calling 911 if he doesn't go away and then do it.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: OurHouse] #9955
10/12/10 11:32 PM
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I have a headache from all this. On top of it all, did I tell you how where he lived before the landlady is suing him? Well, something was broken and he said to send the bill and she did this instead. And he gave her our address, and then left me. So, today, lucky me a sheriff was pounding on the door. The last time I told them he isn't here and I decided to not answer, it is too degrading telling them he isn't here.

My one daughter, she is stone, she would be perfect, but she is in a double major, she would be good. But I would no way want to jeopardize her college over his philandering. Plus, I think if I asked her she would hang up on me and not talk to me for awhile.

I made it very clear that the letter had boundaries, and why and when etc. So, if he didn't read it at that point, I am sure he did when I told him the letter etc.

If it happens again, I won't answer, will do the I will call 911. If it continues, I could do another letter, but you are right silence is a profound message, so that will be the message.

And hey, if this continues wouldn't that be the outcome anyway? Never seeing me again? So, hello, what do you expect, you are there, you left me etc...this is odd.

You would think he would be thrilled to have gotten that letter.

I realized I have a headache because I haven't had coffee yet, I was going to and then, the sheriff...

I feel like I am on the cops show, with the bad boys tune playing, good grief. Over a broken sink drain. Yeah, thanks, harrass the sick wife, thanks everyone, his old landlady and the sheriff now know how sick I am with my cancer etc, I told them both, and wow I still get them over here. Our new neighbors must be having a hey day from this.

If only I were a writer, I would write a memoir.

Ok, should not have opened door, only had about an hour of sleep.

Another plus I need to do, since I did clean out the garage, will put car in there. That way he won't be able to see if I am here or not from afar, he would have to look into garage window, oh I could see neighbors calling the cops on that one. I didn't do it yet since I haven't ordered a garage door opener, but hello, it is easy to open and shut.

Never thought when I got married all this would be going on, good grief.

Guess what, usually when upset I buy all kinds of junk, I didn't do that at the store, all healthy. But now that I am home, wish I had...I did get low salt low fat popcorn, and diet pepsi...big whoop lol

tink




Last edited by tinkerbell; 10/12/10 11:35 PM.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #9966
10/13/10 12:17 AM
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Good idea about the car. Do whatever you can do to prevent another episode of "husband at door".

Landlady? Sorry, Tinkerbell...this is his problem. Swallow your pride, tell the landlady you are separated and that his apartment is not any of your business. If she threatens, then tell her to go to he police. They are not going to haul you in. You might want to talk to a lawyer too.

You really need an intermediary. You do NOT need his drama.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: OurHouse] #9979
10/13/10 12:48 AM
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What would be perfect is if I could go into a witness protection like thing hahahaha

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #9994
10/13/10 02:21 AM
10/13/10 02:21 AM
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Texas - that narrows it a bit ...
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Texas - that narrows it a bit ...
Tink, I wholeheartedly agree with OH you NEED an IM. It will help keep the crazy away and give you space to heal and grow on your own.

I'd hesitate to suggest your daughters. I am sure this situation is stressful enough as it is. It sucks being stuck between your parents. I grew up that way and there's not much you can do to NOT make it miserable.

Perhaps a close family friend? Extended family member? Religious leader? Ideally it would be someone neutral, someone your husband doesn't view as an enemy or on 'your side' and vice a versa.

Anyone you can think of who can do this for you?


Moi: 33
DH: Kenichi 33
M: 8/2005
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Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Vibrissa] #9996
10/13/10 02:23 AM
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I think there might have been a few volunteers from this board. Is that right, Tinkerbell?

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: OurHouse] #9999
10/13/10 02:33 AM
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Yes, there are....

He is so flipped out already, I don't want to push him further away.....

Will see how my nc goes, and won't open door etc.

If I were a great beauty maybe this would not have happened.

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #10000
10/13/10 02:38 AM
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Tinkerbell, please stop thinking that this is YOUR fault! Maybe you own 50% of the blame for the state of the marriage before he got so whacked out and became wayward. Maybe he's just whacked out and it had little to do with the marriage. Whatever it is, it's NOT. ABOUT. YOU.

And statements like this:

Quote
He is so flipped out already, I don't want to push him further away.....


is NOT you in a no contact, Plan B. And how much further away could he possibly be? Tinkerbell, he's about as far away as he can get. There is no more down here. There is only up.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #10003
10/13/10 02:50 AM
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Texas - that narrows it a bit ...
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Originally Posted by tinkerbell
If I were a great beauty maybe this would not have happened.


Ever see Halle Berry, or Sandra Bullock? I can't imagine more physically beautiful women.

Cheaters cheat because that is who they chose to be. His adultery is a reflection of HIM, not you.

Tink, I know it is hard, but you have to focus on yourself and YOUR actions and choices. Not his. Dwelling on thoughts of him, what he's thinking, what he is doing is going to keep you stuck, those thoughts violate the spirit of NC.

Your husband, the man you love is GONE. He has been replaced by an adulterer. THAT is why NC is so essential for you. You need to protect yourself from him because he is abusing you with his affair.

You have already done ALL you can do to fix this. You have done all you can do to save this marriage. Now all you can do is wait out the affair. You can't MAKE his decision for him, you can't shake sense into him. He may come back but he may not. If he doesn't it it is because of HIS choices.

Perhaps you could try this: for the next 30 days plan something for each day. A little indulgence, a get together with friends, an activity you have always wanted to do, a restaurant you always wanted to go to but your H disliked. An activity for YOU for each of the next 30 days.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 10/13/10 02:50 AM.

Moi: 33
DH: Kenichi 33
M: 8/2005
DD 6 yrs
DS 3 yrs
Ze Blog
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #10078
10/13/10 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by tinkerbell
Yes, there are....

He is so flipped out already, I don't want to push him further away.....

Will see how my nc goes, and won't open door etc.

If I were a great beauty maybe this would not have happened.

tink


repeat after me...

PLAN B IS NOT ABOUT MY HUSBAND. IT IS ABOUT ME AND MY BOUNDARIES.

PLAN B IS NOT ABOUT MY HUSBAND. IT IS ABOUT ME AND MY BOUNDARIES.

PLAN B IS NOT ABOUT MY HUSBAND. IT IS ABOUT ME AND MY BOUNDARIES.

PLAN B IS NOT ABOUT MY HUSBAND. IT IS ABOUT ME AND MY BOUNDARIES.



Don't go shaking the [Bleep!] tree and expect an angel to fall out.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat...know it and don't be surprised. Protect yourself.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Medc] #10284
10/14/10 12:20 AM
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I read something interesting today on the Al Turtle site, What To Do When Your Spouse Leaves. It suggests to be available, minimally. I totally understand the benefits of a Dark Plan B in cases of ongoing infidelity or domestic violence. But I did want to add this for folks in plan B for other reasons.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: NewEveryDay] #10290
10/14/10 01:07 AM
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Not only an ongoing affair but living at her place...ugh

Still in nc

alone

calm

nc

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #14119
10/27/10 02:44 AM
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Here's a short piece from Penny Tupy's Overcoming Infidelity.

I think she covers the why of zero contact quite well :


Here's an except from Penny's book :


In my experience, continuing to have minimal
contact is one of the riskier strategies. Unfortunately
it is the one that, intuitively, seems to make the
most sense. So let‘s take it apart a little and see if I
can help you understand why this strategy has the
power to be destructive to the goal of saving your
marriage.

Minimal contact that is conflicted and adversarial
does nothing to heal the relationship; it only serves
to drive a bigger wedge between you and your
partner. I think we‘d all agree that‘s pretty obvious.
What may no t be so obvious is that minimal
adversarial contact has possibly a more adverse
affect on the betrayed mate than the one having the
affair. Remember the Great Race that I mentioned
earlier ? Adversarial and conflicted contact is very
likely to accelerate the betrayed partner‘s readiness
to throw in the towel.

Minimal contact that is calm and courteous, then,
seems like the best possible solution. Instinctively
and intuitively it‘s what you‘ ll be driven by your
own attachment chemistry to maintain. Don‘t be
fooled. Minimal courteous contact can be deadly. A
few thing s happen which, combined, create a
dangerous biochemical time bomb.

First, you send a loud and clear message to your
spouse that the affair really isn‘t all that devastating
to you. After all, if yo u can inter act pleasantly, then
you must be doing just fine. You must be accepting
the inevitable break up of your marriage. Even if
you have said something to the contrary, your
actions are where the real message lies.

Second, you derail the attachment chemistry we
want to trigger in your spouse. When a relationship
is threatened (even a relationship we claim to no
longer want) the instinctive reaction is to find it
suddenly more attractive. But in order for this to
happen there must be a perceived threat to the status
quo. When you remain in contact and you give the
appearance of being calm and at peace, there is no
perceived threat to the relationship.

Yes, I understand that your wayward partner says
they don‘t want the marriage, or perhaps they say
they need to make up their mind about it. Those
kinds of statements are made within the context of
having all the control over the destiny of the
marriage. You‘ve already made it abundantly clear
that you want to save the marriage and that yo u‘re
willing to do what it takes to do so. But when you
take back so me of your personal empowerment and
remove yourself fro m a situation which you find
unacceptable, your partner understands at a very
basic bio logical level that he or she is no longer in
total control of the outcome. This triggers the
reaction of needing to hold on to the marriage more
rather than less.

Think about being in junior high or high school. We
all had friends, or maybe you yourself did this, who
wanted to dump a boyfriend o r girlfriend first œ
before getting dumped. It‘s the same so rt of
reaction. We want to have the final say on the


relationship- it doesn‘t matter if we‘re fourteen or
fifty- four. Everyone wants to be the dumper and not
the dumpee!

Third, yo u short circuit the dynamic of forcing the
affair partners to rely entirely upon each other. In
almost ever y triangle the spouse plays a certain role
and the affair partner plays another. The straying
mate has two people vying for his or her attention
and doing all they can to entice him o r her to
choose. Removing yourself fro m that dynamic now
puts the burden entirely o n the shoulder s of the
affair partner. Almost always he or she comes up
short, but your spouse won‘t find that out until you
step away entirely.

And finally, staying in minimal contact keeps you
from fully detaching and healing. It keeps you stuck
in that p lace of hurting and obsessing. When the
affair ends, and your spouse is ready to talk about
reconciliation, you will need every ounce o f
strength and calm you can muster. This isn‘t
possible when you are caught in the chaos of the
betraying spouse‘s affair drama.

If you are worried about giving the impression that
you‘ve moved on with your life and are willing to
accept the new relationship, minimal courteous
contact is the worst thing yo u can do. Even if you
made verbal or written statements to the contrary,
your actions will speak volumes drowning out your
words entirely. Minimal courteous contact says loud
and clear, —I‘m fine now that you‘ve left, and I
really don‘t find it all that distressing. In fact, I‘m
quite happy to accept your new life and your new
partner."


Link to Penny Tupy's eBook "Overcoming Infidelity"

Last edited by AntigoneRisen; 10/27/10 03:27 AM. Reason: Added link to source
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Allen_A] #14129
10/27/10 03:28 AM
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Allen,

I edited your post simply to add a link to the source of your quotation. As your quotation was fairly lengthy, I did it just to cover us on intellectual property and copyright fair use. Maybe I'm just a bit paranoid, so I beg your pardon for that. smile


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #14130
10/27/10 03:30 AM
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It's all good.. smile

I am more than happy to see a url there so people can get more of that great advice... I should be begging your pardon for not including it. smile

Not a problem, you only made the post all the better for it. grin


Respect Mah Authoritah!

But... I don't do cryptic...
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Allen_A] #17306
11/06/10 04:51 AM
11/06/10 04:51 AM
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Best comment by a WS about NC during early recovery

"No contact means no contact even in your mind"
Flick, the then still foggy but occasionally insightful.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Lil] #17322
11/06/10 07:22 AM
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I read what I wrote on this before and it isn't or wasn't plan b, I see that now. At the time it seemed it was.

I really find your posts so helpful, the very long one on minimal contact really thank you. And lil you are right, even in your mind.


tink

Last edited by tinkerbell; 11/06/10 07:35 AM.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #17389
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Well it was Flicks epiphany, not mine but thank you smile

There was a discussion once about using a form of aversion therapy on yourself.

Put a rubber band around your wrist and every time you catch yourself thinking about the WS, or how horrible plan B is, or any sort of negative thought... then snap the band. This will hurt.
If you do it consistently, eventually you will stop dwelling on thoughts that come because... it's going to hurt.

Don't snap it it a thought just springs to mind because that happens. There's a saying about how its not your fault if a bird lands on your head, but it is if you let it build a nest there. Only snap the band if your dwelling and what if-ing. No stinkin' thinkin' is allowed.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Lil] #34782
12/13/10 01:05 AM
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Yes, nc even in your mind...what I find hurtful is thinking about him, that hurts just like if I were talking to him...

why?

Because last time we spoke all talk out of his mouth was like in another conversation, way out there, very hurtful, no way to have conversation with a person who isn't in the conversation and then frustration levels go way up...

Well, when I think of him I get the same frustration levels, maybe more so. Since with your mind you can think they will say or do this and then your mind is running wild.

No point having a mind running wild in an already strange situation.

For every action there is a reaction, well for every thought there is a reaction also.

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #40727
12/27/10 08:16 AM
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How does one have NC when there are children? My H uses this to the hilt to slam me with emails once even twice per day.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Hope4Luv] #40747
12/27/10 12:58 PM
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Hope, can you print them out and show your lawyer, at least have them added to your file?

Don't acknowledge them, H is looking to ruffle your feathers, I bet he thrives on bullying you.


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Hope4Luv] #40932
12/27/10 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
How does one have NC when there are children? My H uses this to the hilt to slam me with emails once even twice per day.


I have 2 kids and I try to have as little contact with W as possible. When she calls, I let it go to voicemail. If she texts or emails, I only answer if there is a need to and then only answer the question. No additional chatting.

Today she left me a voice mail asking when I would be picking up the kids on Wednesday (even though I always pick up at the same time) and telling me that S's friend is going to be in town and so I need to plan what is going on. Will they be here, so you want them at your house, blah, blah, blah, call me back.

Then, 30 minutes later she texts that the boys aren't planning on being at her house (her own drama) and that I can ignore the voicemail, but let her know when I will be picking them up.

That was this morning at 9:30 am. I still haven't replied to her and am intending to text only "3:30, as usual".

I don't know your story, so I don't know how old your kids are, but I pick them at school on my days so I don't even have to see her. I leave work early (good boss) so that she doesn't get them after school. Her plan was to continue to work part time so she could get them after school on my days and I would get them at her house after work. I haven't let that happen. She also used to pick them up in the morning from my house, so I would try to be gone when she got there, but I don't let her do that anymore either. I drop them off and go in late to work. I work flexible hours and at home, so I still get my time in and work done.

When I drop them off or pick them up at her house, I wait in the driveway, sometimes in the car, sometimes not. I don't speak to her even if she says goodbye.

She came to get them from my house on Christmas. Usually she just waits in the car, but this time she came to the door. I would have made her wait outside, but my mom let her in the house. I brought the kids stuff into the foyer, hugged them goodbye and turned and walked into the other room. She said Merry Christmas, which my Mom returned, but I said nothing. Just walked away.

It isn't always easy, but you can do it if you set your mind to it. I have also seen it recommended that you get an intermediary for all exchanges and emails/text who will only forward information to you that you need.

I am also looking into using a calendar on Cozi.com to minimize scheduling discussions. I think that may help too!

Good luck Hope. Will try to catch-up on your sitch.

Last edited by Danf; 12/27/10 08:23 PM.

Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Danf] #40939
12/27/10 08:43 PM
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When they try to cross those boundaries (the incessant emails, coming into the house, etc.), they are attempting to get that need met for family time. Unless you have an intermediary, then you should expect a wayward to push every boundary. It's their sense of entitlement driving them.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: OurHouse] #42684
12/31/10 04:49 AM
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Any ideas for limiting contact when exchanging very small children? Mine are 1 and 5, so I can't just send them out the door to STBXH's car (or out the car to STBXH's door). Some weeks we exchange the kids almost every day, so using an intermediary would be very difficult (all the options are people with small kids of their own).


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: CajunRose] #42717
12/31/10 08:26 AM
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Here is my idea smack him for doing this to you.

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #42718
12/31/10 08:26 AM
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Has anyone had experience with ho wars?

tink

Last edited by tinkerbell; 12/31/10 08:53 AM.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #42741
12/31/10 02:34 PM
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CR, is there a way you can have the kids all ready to go and leave them in one place, inside...safely....where your WH can pick them up?

Same in reverse.

You of course, would leave the room.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: OurHouse] #42796
12/31/10 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted By: tinkerbell
Has anyone had experience with ho wars?

tink


I am afraid to ask what this means !!! :-)

Originally Posted By: OurHouse
CR, is there a way you can have the kids all ready to go and leave them in one place, inside...safely....where your WH can pick them up?

Same in reverse.

You of course, would leave the room.


When H came to see DD3 yesterday I unlocked the door and went to the laundry room to hang up clothes. Seemed to work out good.


Me: 37
H: 39
DD: 3
Married 14 yrs
Dated: 5
Bomb 7/10
H's EA turned PA turned EA again.

Currently taking back control of my life.

When the pain of where you are becomes more than the fear of where you are going change will occur.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Belle96] #43071
01/01/11 12:03 AM
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I was afraid to ask too, so I didn't! That is pretty unusual in and of itself.

Maybe it is similar to Blah3x's game where you drink a few beer and shoot people. Or do you just fight to pick-up the most John's?


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Danf] #43107
01/01/11 01:32 AM
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Well I would like to wage war on a Ho but I think we are probably talking about two different things !!!!


Me: 37
H: 39
DD: 3
Married 14 yrs
Dated: 5
Bomb 7/10
H's EA turned PA turned EA again.

Currently taking back control of my life.

When the pain of where you are becomes more than the fear of where you are going change will occur.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Belle96] #43172
01/01/11 03:01 AM
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If I leave the room he comes to find me, or waits in the entry way until I reappear. If DD is on the phone with him, he doesn't hang up, he waits for me to do that (I don't even check anymore to see if he's still on the line, so maybe he stopped that).

I may have to tell him that it's okay to just leave. Thanks!! (Not touching tink's comment with a 10-ft pole.)


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: CajunRose] #43225
01/01/11 04:23 AM
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My H ok he I think is interested in another ho besides the one he is with, so I may witness a ho war, from a distance, just wondering

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #43274
01/01/11 01:56 PM
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just deleted my post, I took tink's post on the 'ho war' completely different than what I should have, after reading Living Well's post.

Absolutely did not mean to minimize tink's concern, although I now realize
the post I deleted could be seen that way.

So ...... that's why it's gone. smile


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #43280
01/01/11 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted By: tinkerbell
My H ok he I think is interested in another ho besides the one he is with, so I may witness a ho war, from a distance, just wondering

Oh, tink, I'm so sorry.

Btw, if you were dark you wouldn't know that his interest in OW was waning and that he was looking to replace her with a new one.

Only watch this mess if you can fully commit to your personal recovery while doing so, ok? Personally, I don't think it's a good idea because I think that it will keep you stuck exactly where you're at now.

I think your best bet is to focus on your personal recovery. What do you have to lose? Even though he might be done with OW, he's not looking your way, right? The way that I see it is that he won't look your way after he's done with #2 either if you're in the same spot then as you are now.

I recommend going completely dark, focusing on your personal recovery, and in about 6 months evaluate whether you should still stay dark or not.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Vittoria] #43289
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Originally Posted By: Vittoria
just deleted my post, I took tink's post on the 'ho war' completely different than what I should have, after reading Living Well's post.

Absolutely did not mean to minimize tink's concern, although I now realize
the post I deleted could be seen that way.

So ...... that's why it's gone. smile


Like I explained in response to your PM about this.......I loved your reply!

I'm sorry that you deleted it. frown

Do you think that you could reconstruct it? I remember that it involved popcorn.


Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: LivingWell] #43327
01/01/11 06:09 PM
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Vittoria, I'm eagerly waiting to see what tink has to say about my reference to #2. grin After tink replies, maybe you'll consider reconstructing the post you deleted?


Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: LivingWell] #43328
01/01/11 06:17 PM
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Hello, I like your thoughts. I know me bad, he doesn't know I know anything. But it is like witnessing a train wreck and I don't think the ow has a clue...hummmm.....

So look, he has me and now what two ow after him? This is so stupid it isn't like he looks like Fabio.

tink

Last edited by tinkerbell; 01/01/11 06:26 PM.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #43333
01/01/11 06:24 PM
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Cajun I read your post and have to wonder what is in your H head. I really think he wants you where he knows you are. Why else would he wait to see you and wait on the phone.

Does anyone know what she can do to step up him seeing through the fog? I haven't a clue, I did it all wrong and pushed mine out of orbit.

I
1. told my girls
2. told a very respected family member of his who he then did not read the letters that were sent to him
3. I sent him a ton of letters but when he was home for the bit I saw he never opened any of them

...what does that mean if they don't open any letters? denile, guilt?
4. then we moved he left I was a bit shaky on moving

5. Oh important when moved for the bit I was thinking hum do I really want him now

6. then deserted and basketcase I became, calling, showing up, cookies, feel like in jr high am way too old for this stupid stuff too many years with him

7. not too good of a plan a

8. very shaky start to plan b

AS YOU CAN SEE BY ME KNOWING ABOUT HO WARS

remember your kids saying 1,2,3,4 now it's time for thumb wars? that comes to mind but with ho

I have to find a bright side to this somehow...and the ow I mean the oow (other other woman) well it is a shocking thing I can't put here if you pm me I can tell you the shocking who it is it is shocking

OK CAJUN I THINK HE IS FENCE SITTING, AND YOU SEE HIM AND HEAR HIM....DON'T TAKE MY ADVISE IT COULD BE BAD...

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #43336
01/01/11 06:40 PM
01/01/11 06:40 PM
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wiser_now Offline
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Tink,

I'm going to very gently suggest something to you. This is my very personal opinion...

Quit calling the OW ho's.

Your energy should be on lifting YOURSELF up without tearing anyone else down. When you call them names, it only lifts you up in comparison to them. YOU ARE A LOVING, GOOD PERSON WITHOUT THAT COMPARISON.

All along, people have been telling you to CONCENTRATE ON YOU.

Do you see how your concentration on THEM is hurting you? How it's taking away YOUR healing?

Dear Tinkerbell... you have a choice, here. You can take all that energy from THEM and put it on YOU... or... you can continue to think about what your H is doing/ thinking/ feeling... and about OW(s) - how rotten, evil and terrible they are.

Please, put yourself in the center of your orbit and do what needs to be done to heal yourself.


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: wiser_now] #43338
01/01/11 06:46 PM
01/01/11 06:46 PM
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for to fade Offline
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I think you told me this before I know you have. Ok Ok, I know I read this book or part of it about intention ...

You are right, it gives me an outlet but it is letting me avoid becoming a stronger person and ok I get it, it is like taking the focus off of me making myself stronger like contacting them is letting them focus on you instead of what they did wrong.

new beginning I remember this before so this is the second time you have mentioned this to me........

drag a 2 x 4 next time and cyber smack me

I can almost hear it being drug.....

lol

tink

:hny!:

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #43341
01/01/11 06:52 PM
01/01/11 06:52 PM
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wiser_now Offline
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2x4's are for building houses, tink. For building people, I far prefer support of the non-wooden variety.

You're stubborn, but that will serve you well in healing your body and your soul... so I don't want you to stop that!

What I want you to do is TURN AROUND - go a different direction. Go to the mirror, look at yourself... deep into your own eyes... take care of that person! She deserves it!


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: wiser_now] #43351
01/01/11 07:19 PM
01/01/11 07:19 PM
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Vittoria Offline
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haha, just getting caught up here now .......

Best to starve the dragon of the fire, not feed it, so I regress. grin

Stay cute tink, sometimes all we get out of this is a chuckle.
I do agree with staying dark and not worrying about WH's antics, which it sounds like he has his share and then some.



26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #43359
01/01/11 07:58 PM
01/01/11 07:58 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Originally Posted By: tinkerbell
.....it gives me an outlet but it is letting me avoid becoming a stronger person......

oooooh, tink......how about exploring that concept in your thread?


Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: LivingWell] #43383
01/01/11 09:23 PM
01/01/11 09:23 PM
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It is a new year, no more, my mission is to be a stronger person. As in sleeping enough, enjoying a good book, when I catch myself thinking about him stopping it, nc, being me, the person I have always been just have been so busy being a wife/mom haven't given myself me time in a while.

tink

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #212610
03/02/12 05:03 AM
03/02/12 05:03 AM
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Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

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Quote:
The Ten Commandments of Severance

by Suzanne Finnamore

Thou shalt not call.

Thou shalt not trust anything your Soon-to-be-Ex (STBX) says - also it is verboten to expect or request comfort. The assassin is no refuge.

Thou shalt not go through memory boxes or wedding albums.

Thou shalt not meet face to face with your for any reason.

Thou shalt not direct remarks toward the STBX, should one inadvertently be faced with extended presence and/or voice of the STBX.

Vampires need to be invited in: thou shalt not invite the STBX into your head, your home, or rise to conversational bait no matter how bold or unjust.

Thou shalt utilize caller ID and not answer their phone calls.

Thou shalt, if strictly necessary, call their work phone after hours for return messages.

Thou shalt refrain from sarcastic remarks, judgement, personal commentary or volunteered information.

Thou shalt not attempt to negotiate, cook, massage their pencil neck, or make flirty yet seemingly casual contact of any kind. Game over. Thou shalt not express feelings to the STBX. The expressing of feelings has been fully explored.


Here


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Lil] #213039
03/04/12 09:16 AM
03/04/12 09:16 AM
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right here waiting Offline
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Oh, that's rich, lil. And spot on.

I especially liked "The assassin is no refuge." True not just of STBX's, but actively affairing spouses.

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: right here waiting] #213274
03/05/12 01:21 PM
03/05/12 01:21 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Quote:
Thou shalt not attempt to negotiate, cook, massage their pencil neck, or make flirty yet seemingly casual contact of any kind. Game over. Thou shalt not express feelings to the STBX. The expressing of feelings has been fully explored.


I should cross-stich this one and put it in my living room smile


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: NewEveryDay] #213695
03/07/12 04:34 AM
03/07/12 04:34 AM
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massage? who does that in nc?

come on what is wrong with giving them a massage?

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Lil] #213709
03/07/12 10:07 AM
03/07/12 10:07 AM
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A
Amazin Offline
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Originally Posted By: lildoggie
Quote:
The Ten Commandments of Severance

by Suzanne Finnamore

Thou shalt not call.

Thou shalt not trust anything your Soon-to-be-Ex (STBX) says - also it is verboten to expect or request comfort. The assassin is no refuge.

Thou shalt not go through memory boxes or wedding albums.

Thou shalt not meet face to face with your for any reason.

Thou shalt not direct remarks toward the STBX, should one inadvertently be faced with extended presence and/or voice of the STBX.

Vampires need to be invited in: thou shalt not invite the STBX into your head, your home, or rise to conversational bait no matter how bold or unjust.

Thou shalt utilize caller ID and not answer their phone calls.

Thou shalt, if strictly necessary, call their work phone after hours for return messages.

Thou shalt refrain from sarcastic remarks, judgement, personal commentary or volunteered information.

Thou shalt not attempt to negotiate, cook, massage their pencil neck, or make flirty yet seemingly casual contact of any kind. Game over. Thou shalt not express feelings to the STBX. The expressing of feelings has been fully explored.


Here


At first I thought I should print those commandments out and post them on my mirror. But I don't really have a problem with NC.

I went to the link that Lil provided, explored some of the other pages there and found a real nugget that is going on my mirror instead.

Quote:
The opposite of love is NOT hate. It is INDIFFERENCE. When you get to the point where you just plain don't care WHAT that person is doing, how they're doing it and who they're doing it with, you will know that you are OVER IT. OVER THEM. And there is no greater revenge than NOT giving that person ANY MORE POWER over you or your thoughts.


I'm pretty close to "Indifference" but I don't think I can get completely Indifferent until my divorce is finalized.


Moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in men.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Amazin] #213802
03/07/12 07:40 PM
03/07/12 07:40 PM
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Posts: 2,791
Surface of the sun
silentlucidity Offline
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Surface of the sun
Quote:
I'm pretty close to "Indifference" but I don't think I can get completely Indifferent until my divorce is finalized.

nod


Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: silentlucidity] #229178
05/02/12 07:01 PM
05/02/12 07:01 PM
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why did I think "mending" was a good idea




Last edited by tinkerbell; 05/02/12 07:09 PM.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #229186
05/02/12 07:11 PM
05/02/12 07:11 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Not sure what "mending" is. If you have time, will you explain it?

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: LivingWell] #229299
05/03/12 01:43 AM
05/03/12 01:43 AM
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You know livingwell, haven't you heard people say they want to mend their marriage? I have and I thought at first, thats it we need to mend, it sounds so nice.

Just a tiny crack over there to mend.

So mending to me, they stop the affair, a marriage counselor talks to you both, many books are read, you go to couples weekend retreats and remember you two as a couple. Stuff like that.

I vaguely remember telling this "person" "my husband wouldn't do this, he is not this type of man"

OMG He was probably laying there buck naked as I said it.

It was a lady smurf meets hellhound moment.


Last edited by tinkerbell; 05/03/12 01:55 AM.
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: ] #229306
05/03/12 02:22 AM
05/03/12 02:22 AM
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LivingWell Offline
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Yes, I've heard that term used now that you mention it. I think that I must be on overload as far as terms from different programs go because I thought that "mending" was just one more. laugh

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: LivingWell] #318843
10/16/13 01:43 AM
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The Dark Side of the Moon
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The Dark Side of the Moon
Bump


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #338266
03/09/14 09:08 AM
03/09/14 09:08 AM
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Lil Offline

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Bump


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: Lil] #338267
03/09/14 10:34 AM
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Love the Severence rules.. they sure worked a treat with my H. My usual line was Im fine, the animals are fine, did you want something? To which I never got a reply as it was comfort he was seeking and I certainly wasnt going to give him that!


Once was lost but now found and happily married!

The story
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/34625/Where_do_I_go

Re: If You're in No Contact, Stop Talking to Your Spouse! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #445556
05/21/21 03:27 AM
05/21/21 03:27 AM
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Lil Offline

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Bump


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


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