Second marriages have special challenges including ex-spouses and blended families. This is a discussion forum for those posters who want their new marriage to be more successful than their last. Integrating two households and children is a huge stress on marriages. Get advice from people who are finding happiness the second time around.

I'll be the first on here to say that my second marriage is much better than my first.

Maybe you got on the learning curve I'm always glad to hear when that happens!

Mine, too, KT...

...but...

The attendant issues can loom large for many:

Co-parenting with former spouses
Parenting step-children
Combining incomes (or not)
Relationship with the former spouses (on both sides)
Blending families
Combining or letting go of traditions from the first family
Jealousy
Resentment
Residual feelings for former spouse~ good or bad
Finding balance with children (birth and step) and the new spouse
Financial difficulties~ child support and/or alimony
Legal concerns (when to stop child support, etc.)

Lots to discuss! Very few get by without these issues...

Ohhhh...maybe. And maybe it's because I married someone I actually liked the second time around.

Of course I had to pay child support. No alimony thank God...I think I would've quit my job if alimony had come up. And exwife was very bitter and angry for a long time at me wanting a divorce. Exchanging of children usually turned into her releasing venom in a very very loud manner.

I'm wondering if the odds of good marriage go up if there were no children in the first marriage.

OH, having just ended a marriage to a large extent because of blended family issues, I can tell you that the fewer moving parts you try to combine, the better.

I think the universal number for 2nd marriage divorce rate is 60%. I read somewhere that when the second marriage involves step children it moves up to 70%. Pretty hard stats guys..... KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE A PRIORITY.

My second marriage has been so much better than my first, even with the challenge of a blended family, including, at one point, four teenagers each 1 yr apart. Looking back now, I can say that there were two elements that kept my husband and I not only together, but sane. The first, as tjack says, KEEP YOU MARRIAGE A PRIORITY. Never lose sight of why you chose to be together in the first place. The second, was basically enforcing the Golden Rule - that every human being deserves to be treated a certain way by virtue of their being human. We would not allow disrespect of any kind to fester. That said, it is important to remember who the adults are and who the kids are - and that kids so often feel powerless and simply along for the ride. A good parent will address this and allow their kids to express anger, hurt, frustration, etc. It just needs to be done in an environment of respect. It really worked for us.

An important p.s. to my last post. My husband and I also found it very helpful that when it came to discipline, the actual parent of the child do the disciplining. Of course, if your stepchild is left in your charge, you might have to have a hand in the disciplining, but it is much more effective coming from the parent than the step, unless the child is very young.

My second is my a 'marriage' than the first. I think we both work really hard at communication. My last, we were together 10 years and the only fight we ever had was the week before she walked out. There were things I had no idea for years.

But the old finances and being the second wife definately plays into things. I really go out of my way to make sure she knows she's #1.

I don't really gaze over here, I should more often.


The bolded is mine ...... this communicates so much more than anything you could say. I loved reading this!

My fiance said, jokingly, once we are married I will stop with the SF with him because that is what happens in marriage.

Visions of my former marriage flashed thru my head, each of us doing a bang up job in denying EN's, and the vicious cycle of love going down the toilet ensued.

I know how not meeting EN's can kill a marriage, cause resentments. I know what NOT to do, I know what TO DO, but when the time comes, will I do it? I have gained a great deal of knowledge in regards to how to have a great marriage, but will I use it when times get rough?

I agree with what Vittoria bolded from WalkingMan's post. I go out of my way to make sure he knows he's #1. Will I always?

My mother once told me that loving someone is a daily decision.
What this means to me is that you cannot take anything for granted and work at it.

The good news is that the reward far outweighs the work. Of course you must find someone who aggrees with this.

You must make your marriage number one above all. Oh! Also make sure you laugh together!

I choose every day to be a good partner and to show love. Every day. Some days are better than others.

I agree with your mother's assessment, WalkingMan...the reward does far outweigh the work. So far, my partner agrees. He has said on a couple of occasions, however, that love shouldn't require WORK (yet he DOES the work). Perhaps his definition of work is different than mine.

Ahh now there's something! Yes, point of view must be considered. Perhaps this is where another requirement comes into play...communication.

WalkingMan,

We have had plenty of communication around the subject. He SAYS it SHOULDN'T require work, yet when I talk about the breakdown of my marriage, not filling EN's, not being honest and open...he agrees those things are necessary, everyday in every way. He also DOES these things. For instance, when I say I want some alone time, he suggests we go for a walk, or we sit and watch a movie together, have conversation before bed, etc., and follows thru.

The word WORK seems to bother him. I've asked why. No clear answer, just that he sees that term as NEGATIVE. I used to perceive the word WORK with respect to marriage as negative, too. I no longer feel that way, mostly because I have seen what the WORK can do, and it's usually a POSITIVE outcome.

silentlucidity,

Perhaps you guys can come up with a term more positive in meaning. I could be wrong, but this sounds like those little power struggles couples go through occasionally. Again, I could be wrong and I'm not diminishing your experience.

be safe

I don't plan on spending more time debating what the word WORK means to each of us. We've had many discussions on that subject alone, and have ferreted out that we agree on how to proceed, what our needs are, how to handle conflict, parenting our step children,and so many other subjects.

We are also a work in progress...always