Marriage Advocates

The Joke Thread

Posted By: Lil

The Joke Thread - 09/01/10 09:16 AM

This is apparently the funniest joke in the world...

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

cool


The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/04/10 01:07 AM

Hope I don't get edited for this one -

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, you never done anything wild in your life?"
With out batting an eye, the old man replied,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock,
I was just wondering if you were my son."

Posted By: right here waiting

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/04/10 05:58 PM



Traffic Cameras

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I wasn't speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same result and was now
laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You know, you just can't fix stupid.

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/10/10 10:05 AM

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

"And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.

"He rang up a third time and said 'You're actually the new managing director.' And I went into a tree.

"So a policeman came up and asked, 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/10/10 10:41 AM

Actual Classified Ads

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/10/10 10:41 AM

In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer page and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/10/10 10:42 AM

Some of the artists of the '60s & '70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/10/10 01:01 PM

Guy goes 2 his doctor and says: "Doc, I haven't been feeling myself, lately."

Doctor replies: "Yes! And you look much better, 2!"

-ol' 2long
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/12/10 06:36 AM

A Christian and an atheist were neighbors. The Christian one day yells ''Lord please sends me food''.

The atheist heard this and replies ''there is no GOD!''

The next day the Christian wakes up and goes to her porch to find that there were bags of groceries. She yells ''Thank You LORD for this food!"

As soon as soon as the Christian said that the atheist jumps out from the brush and replies ''your GOD didn't give you that food…I did!''

Without wasting a second the Christian yells to the LORD ''thank you for sending me this food and making the Satan pay for it''!
Posted By: Chailover

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/13/10 02:17 AM

Originally Posted by lildoggie
Some of the artists of the '60s & '70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again


Oh Lil, those were hysterical.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/14/10 09:07 AM

I have missed having somewhere to post my jokes....

THE JOB TEST

To see if you would fit into our work environment, we have come up with a test for you to take when you arrive for your interview. To give people an equal footing, here are questions similar to the ones that will be on the test.

INSTRUCTIONS:
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions in full. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

BIOLOGY:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

ART:
Recreate sound in 3D. Include all reference material.

ECONOMICS:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all points of view.

EPISTEMOLOGY:
Take a position for and against truth. Argue with yourself and lose. If you win, keep trying.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

MEDICINE:
Your test administrator will provide you with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

MUSIC:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a trumpet under your seat.

PHILOSOPHY:
Sketch the development of human thought. Next, sketch the thoughts you had while sketching the development of human thought. Now scribble. Compare and contrast the three sketches, estimating the significance of the differences.

GOVERNMENT:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report in detail on its socio-political effects, if any.

SOCIOLOGY:
If you were an extinct society, what would you do?

PUBLIC SPEAKING:
2,500 riot-crazed Aborigines will storm the testing room at the beginning of the fourth hour. Calm them. You may use any ancient language, except Latin or Greek.

EXTRA CREDIT:
Define the universe; give three examples.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/14/10 09:08 AM

Payment Plan

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/14/10 09:08 AM

today'sFUNNY===========================

English professor: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is
'gross' and the other is 'cool.'"

Student: "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

today'sTHOT============================

Live each day like it's your last. One day you'll get it right.

=======================================
Posted By: Looking4

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/14/10 09:52 AM

Originally Posted by right here waiting
Traffic Cameras

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I wasn't speeding.
....
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You know, you just can't fix stupid.


Since reading this last week, I have thought of this story as I approach an intersection that is photo enforced or when I approach a yellow light. And I usually giggle. I'm sorry it's at your expense, RHW, but the visual of someone cruisin' through an intersection as you did over and over again is hilarious.

Thanks for starting up this thread, Lil. Definitely a destination place for me on MA.
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/14/10 07:07 PM

Confucius say:

"He who travels middle of road get hit by traffic going both ways."

-ol' 2long
Posted By: OurHouse

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 04:11 PM

We can't do embedded videos anymore (oops), so I'm posting this link instead. It's about 4 seconds long and there is NOTHING offensive or incriminating about it for those of you sensitive or opening from work. However, the laugh track is loud, so you might want to turn down the volume. And if you are under 40, you might not get it. LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFCCFS_lhA8
Posted By: OurHouse

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 06:03 PM

Anyone else get such a kick out of Jon Stewart and The Daily Show?

His piece on Scott Brown's election ranks up there among all time funny, IMO...along with SNL's skit of Brown's first day in the Senate.. You can Google them on YouTube for a good belly laugh.

Anyway, he was quoted recently and I had to pass it along:

‎"The Summer of Recovery is apparently sliding into the Autumn of Nothing but Ramen Noodles for Dinner." - Jon Stewart on the state of the economy
Posted By: at peace

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 09:18 PM

A couple of Yankee salesmen were traveling through Kosciusko, Mississippi when they got into an argument over how to pronounce the name of the town. They bickered and argued...one guy saying "It's obviously Kohshusko", and the other swearing "No, it sounds like Kahziessko!"

Finally, they stopped at a fast food joint for lunch, and one of the salesmen tells the girl behind the counter about their argument. He asks her to pronounce the name of the place they're in, and say it slowly and clearly.

With an earnest look on her face, the girl says "You're in Daaaayyy Raaaayyy Quaaaayyyn."
Posted By: at peace

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 09:20 PM

I think Jon Stewart is hilarious. grin
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 09:29 PM

Sorry I'm Late Mom

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.

"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 09:36 PM

I ac2ally know someone who had a phone call like that.

A roommate of a good friend of mine, about 35 years ago, gets a call from a female voice he recognizes, but can't put a name 2. She starts talking 2 him all familiar-like, and he goes along because he'd be embarrassed 2 admit he can't figure out who she is, especially if it 2rns out 2 be a gal he met at a party and gave her his phone number - because she seemed 2 REALLY like him!

45 minutes later, they say there goodbyes, and she says "ILY, Larry." She and my friend Larry were engaged.

-ol' 2long
Posted By: Larry

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 10:22 PM

I love observational jokes. I was walking through the Zona Rosa of Mexico City, which has a lot of little shops. One of them was a leather goods shop. Now it is that Mexico has some really, really good leather work, so I paused to look at the window and the things displayed in the window.

Someone had cut out the side of a cardboard box and written on it using some sort of black marker, then stuck it in the window. It said:

Si Habla Inglés

For those who don't speak Spanish, the translation is "Yes understand (or speak) English."

Larry
Posted By: OurHouse

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 10:24 PM

Where the heck did my puns go?
Posted By: Larry

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 10:27 PM


In the sixties, there was a Houston grocery chain that had many stores. The name of the chain was Mini-Max. Among other things, they were proud of their meat department.

So all of them had signs somewhere on the outside of their various stores that said, drum roll:

Mini-Max You can't beat our Meat!

I am not lying. I swear.

Larry
Posted By: OurHouse

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 10:31 PM

1. The fattest knight and King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math destruction.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. And then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said "Keep off the grass".

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak, and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "are you sure?" The first one replies "yes, I'm positive".

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novcocain during a recent root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Posted By: Larry

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 10:34 PM


Going south from downtown Dallas in I-35, there is an enormous billboard. Now the South side of Dallas is South Dallas and Oak Cliff, of which the South is exclusively minority population and Oak Cliff is the same in some places and mixed in others. The sign was also visible for all the buildings that had hard working husbands with income enough to support SAHM, who often had a reputation for finding something to do in certain places during the daytime, and a ton of folks driving from to the South from the Divorce courts in downtown, plus all of the traffic to and from the divorce lawyers. Lots of prospects.

The sign said: WHOSE THE FATHER? Then below that 1 800 DNA TEST.

Larry

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 10:42 PM

Originally Posted by OurHouse
1. The fattest knight and King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math destruction.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. And then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said "Keep off the grass".

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak, and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "are you sure?" The first one replies "yes, I'm positive".

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novcocain during a recent root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

[Linked Image]
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 10:45 PM

Will to Remember

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/15/10 11:09 PM

Originally Posted by Larry
I love observational jokes. I was walking through the Zona Rosa of Mexico City, which has a lot of little shops. One of them was a leather goods shop. Now it is that Mexico has some really, really good leather work, so I paused to look at the window and the things displayed in the window.

Someone had cut out the side of a cardboard box and written on it using some sort of black marker, then stuck it in the window. It said:

Si Habla Inglés

For those who don't speak Spanish, the translation is "Yes understand (or speak) English."

Larry


I missed it, but some friends went 2 Cabo San Lucas for the 1991 total solar eclipse. A restaurant they visited posted this sign outside:

"Perfect English broken here."

-ol' 2long
Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/17/10 02:08 PM

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.




Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.



Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/17/10 02:48 PM

Originally Posted by believer
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.




Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


:claps:




I just hurt myself!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/21/10 12:58 AM

ROFLOL B!



Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!


She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine !


Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And with that attitude, you never will.'
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/21/10 07:39 AM

A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn't seem happy.

"What's wrong?" the friend asked. "You just became a millionaire!"

"I know," he groaned, "But I can't imagine why I bought that second ticket!"



today'sTHOT============================

What if the Hokey-Pokey really IS what it's all about?

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/22/10 10:03 AM

UNDERSTANDING FISHING
By W. Bruce Cameron


Fishing is the act of sitting in a boat for hours and hours waiting for something to happen. It can be an exciting sport if you enjoy watching a lake evaporate one molecule at a time. And sometimes, given the right rhythm to the waves, there's the added attraction of throwing up.

My father and I go fishing occasionally, though we've never explained to each other why. Holding a rod in my hands, I'm struck by the idea that fishing is sort of like kite flying, except the kite is very small and you can't see it. I mention this to my father, who doesn't respond, either because he finds my comment unmanly or because he has fallen into a stupor.

We're in Michigan, where he has gone to retire. Based on how he spends his days, I assume he picked Michigan because it has good cable television. We've paid the state a license fee so that if we catch anything, it will legally cost ten bucks an ounce.

We're trolling, meaning that the boat is moving ahead slowly, dragging behind it a barbed lure in hopes some hapless fish will come across it. To me, trolling is a bit like discharging a shotgun out your kitchen window, hoping you'll hit a chicken.

The inside of our boat is smaller than the size allowed by the Supreme Court for prison cells. "Catch anything yet?" I ask my father, hoping to amuse at least one of us.

He's still not talking.

My dad bought a fish finder in order to, well, find fish. We stared at the schools of huge fish on the small screen for two awestruck years before we realized we had it in "Demo" mode. Now we don't pay much attention to it, but we leave it in Demo because we find the images comforting.

Our lures are made of metal and plastic, substances that fish apparently find very appetizing. I try to picture wanting to bite at the things as they sail past. It's as if you decided to ignore a hamburger and eat a unicycle instead.

My father has a new net. (The old one fell apart from disuse.) The new purchase is large enough to net a human cannonball. "Why don't we forget the lures and just drag the net through the water?" I suggest. "Maybe we'll catch Flipper."

I'm starting to worry that perhaps my father thinks the fish are monitoring our conversation to learn our plans. Finally he speaks. "What's he doing?" he says.

I look where he indicates. A boat with a solitary fisherman approaches dead ahead, apparently planning to ram us at 3 MPH. My father stands up and makes a nautical hand signal that means "You Are An Idiot." The captain of the opposing vessel shakes his fist, but makes no effort to change course. This is an obvious challenge to which the only response is to not change our course.

We're going to crash and sink because neither boat thought to bring along a woman to point out how stupid we're acting.

The same laws of randomness that have protected the fish from being snagged by our hooks now prevents a boating accident by the narrowest of margins. "I've been fishing this lake for 60 years," my father calls to our enemy, establishing who has proprietary rights to this stretch of water. The guy in the other boat smells like he's been fishing even longer.

"I've been here all morning," he counters as he slips past.

"Well, you won that debate," I praise my father.

Moments later my rod dips and I'm fighting what feels like the biggest fish of my life. With every tug it pulls back, as if it's trying to catch me.

With a sound like a bow firing an arrow, my line pops out of the water—I've hooked the lure of the enemy boat guy. Our lures dance in the air for a moment while we strain against each other and then there's a snap and we both fall back. His line has broken, and I reel in his lure while he shakes his fist.

My father's disgusted, but I'm happy — I went fishing and finally caught something!
Posted By: Justuss v1.0

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/22/10 03:32 PM

LOL Sounds like the fishing trip my H & I were on when the largest thing he caught was my thigh as he attempted to cast his line out!! grin
Posted By: wiser_now

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/29/10 12:54 AM

Actual typo *I MADE* on a classified ad:

Puppies, 12 weeks, parents on site, first shots, deformed, $500.

I meant deWormed. Never saw the mistake until the client called. She wasn't laughing but I couldn't stop.

Deformed puppies, anyone?

Posted By: OurHouse

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/13/10 02:25 AM

My son had a link to this on his Facebook page.

It is relatively clean...some questionable language, but there's no audio, so it's safe to view if you've got kids in earshot.

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/
Posted By: OurHouse

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/13/10 11:39 PM

Ok. Squeaky clean and very funny, especially if you like Laurel & Hardy. Does anyone know the backstory here? Was this doctored to fit the music?

Laurel & Hardy Meet Santana. Turn up your speakers and enjoy.

Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/13/10 11:48 PM

A timeless classic:

Posted By: Mark1952

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/14/10 05:27 AM

Now THIS is a classic...

Posted By: cinderella

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/15/10 06:21 AM

Our House, if I'm not mistaken Carlos Santana released that song but it is possibly attributable to Israel "Cachao" Lopez. Cachao played the upright bass....he died a year or two ago at the age of 90....and he gave the world the mambo.
Posted By: cinderella

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/15/10 06:28 AM

Originally Posted by Larry



The sign said: WHOSE THE FATHER? Then below that 1 800 DNA TEST.

Larry



PLEASE tell me they didn't post it exactly like that....it's probably wrong. If they intend for it to ask who the father is, it should say "WHO'S the father?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/15/10 07:53 AM

Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress.

In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?"

"Certainly not, madam," responded the salesgirl, "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."



today'sTHOT============================

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Posted By: Larry

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/17/10 01:25 AM


True story:

"My boys, who necessarily began at a young age, have raised flatulence to an art form...or perhaps more accurately stated, a potential olympic event. They grade based on duration, vibratory impact, and hang-time. TMI, perhaps - but be glad I don't impart my knowledge of their rather extensive list of words for 'farts'.

"When I finally gave birth to a girl, I thought to myself, 'Ribbons and lace. Sweetness personified. I'll name her 'Mini-Me'.' That dream came to a screeching halt when, while waiting for dinner one evening, my precious, ribbon & lace clad 4 year-old lifted a butt-cheek, much like she'd seen her brothers do, and let 'er rip.

In unison, her three brothers cheered and gave her the highest of scores - their undying admiration of her newfound ability. Sadly, she has managed to snatch the gold in this event far, FAR too often."

;grin:
Posted By: Larry

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/26/10 04:15 AM


Recently, I have been browsing Indian publications to get a bit of culture feel. I stumbled in the following and wanted to share. I have culled out what appear to be the ones that don't relate to Indian things that make no sense unless you live there.

Quotes From Women

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -- Hema Malini

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -- Saira Banu

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -- Sasikala

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -- Sharmila Tagore

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. -- Helen

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -- Juhi Chawla

I think -- therefore I'm single. -- Kanika

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Malika

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Hema Malini

"In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man; If you want anything done, ask a woman." -- MayaWati

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." -- Priyanka grin

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." -- Sania Mirza

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose round your neck?" -- Sushma Sawraj

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Jaya Bachan

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." -- Mamta Banerji


Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/26/10 11:09 AM

Larry, thanks for the quotes, my favorite was the one about becoming the man I wanted to marry. True that!

And I love your Halloween smiley!
Posted By: aphelion

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/26/10 10:49 PM

Hah! I see your painful puns and raise you worse...

1. A man goes up to a Zen hot dot seller and says "Make me one with everything," and gives him a $20 bill. The vendor gives him the hot dog and puts the $20 into a box and closes it. The man says "I would like my change." The vendor says "I have made you One With Everything, but change comes from within."

2. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

8. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That's Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's Not Unusual.'

9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true - no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

13. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, "Of course you can't - I've amputated your arms!"

14. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (wait for it)… A super-calloused fragile-mystic hexed by halitosis.

19. And finally, there was the person who sent puns to his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/26/10 11:04 PM

My Gawd, those were awful! grin
Posted By: aphelion

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/26/10 11:17 PM

I gots worse...

Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/26/10 11:33 PM

I loved them.....therefore they are funny
Posted By: aphelion

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/27/10 12:17 AM

I like your avatar of avatar, 2. Mine is broke today for some apparently atavistic reason.
Posted By: Larry

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/27/10 02:05 AM


As a Texan, I get to be the punch line in more than my fair amount of jokes. So in the spirit of payback, here you go, and for some odd reason, I picked a certain city first.

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. In response, he said that he was going to quit before he would move there.

When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

One of his co-workers said he needed to reconsider, that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, fantastic restaurants and all that stuff.

Then he said: "Why me, myself and I worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had one single problem with crime while I was working."

The guy thinking about the move asked, "What did you do there?"

To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."

[Linked Image]
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/27/10 04:37 AM

Raymond Burr ac2ally used this one on an acquaintance of mine about 35 hrs ago:

Acq: (walks up 2 urinal next 2 Burr)

Burr: why, I've gotten so fat I cant even see my own d**** anymore!

Acq: why don't you diet?

Burr: why? What color is it now?
Posted By: KiwiJ

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/27/10 07:39 AM

Hee hee.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/02/10 05:00 AM

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"


"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.


An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:


"Master, Master! .............



The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/02/10 05:01 AM

Super Golf Ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.

"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"

The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats.

I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replies, "I found it."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/02/10 05:01 AM

today'sFUNNY===========================

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.

"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.

"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.

"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"

Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

today'sTHOT============================

History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/02/10 08:03 PM

today'sFUNNY===========================

In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: "Why did you leave your previous employment?"

One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: "The express wish of 116,000 voters."

today'sTHOT============================

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/03/10 08:00 AM

Academic Phrases and Meanings

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident"... These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.

"These results will be in a subsequent report"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience"... once "In case after case"... twice "In a series of cases"... thrice "It is believed that"... I think.

"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.

"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.

"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/03/10 08:01 AM

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."

As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"

Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."
Posted By: Larry

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/03/10 12:11 PM

Quote
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.


Loved all of them. "Virtually 100% true as well." Means most of them, if not all, maybe.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/03/10 08:05 PM

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
Posted By: cinderella

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/03/10 10:27 PM

So, one of my state's congressmen was defeated. I heard an interview with him this morning. At the end, they reported that they had asked him if he was worried about the district. Reportedly, his answer was, "No. I'm not their congressman any more."
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/04/10 04:35 AM

This was sent to me by my aunt. eek grin

Ramblings of a Retired Mind


I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were crammingfor their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.



' Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life' Because :::' Life is a journey to be savored!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/04/10 07:38 AM

Originally Posted By: Orchid2
This was sent to me by my aunt. eek grin

Ramblings of a Retired Mind


I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.



I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.



Bwahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha!!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/04/10 07:41 AM

AN EXERCISE IN EUROPEAN DIPLOMACY
By W. Bruce Cameron [Check out the info on Bruce's new NY Times best-selling book below!]

When my daughters became teenagers I realized I'd had too many children. They had been manageable when they were small enough for me to imprison in a crib, but once I could no longer pick them up, I saw that I had, in business parlance, "expanded too rapidly." I needed to "downsize."

So I began outplacing my children to college. This is an ongoing process that apparently will last as long as there is an educational system. At college, my children are learning important skills that will help them in the New Economy, such as how to take on debt. As their primary lender, I'm proud of the way they've learned to ask for money.

In some ways our relationship has deteriorated in that I can no longer effectively punish them. Before, we might have a dialogue like this:

Me: You're grounded. Go to your room!

Daughter: No!

Now, though, my daughters are legally adults.

Me: May I remind you that the law no longer requires me to support you, and that technically that isn't really your room?

Daughter: No!

My children actually hate this new relationship, because instead of issuing punishments they ignore, I now employ what are known as "real-world consequences."

Daughter: I want to go to Europe with my friends.

Me: I'd rather you didn't. Europe is full of dangerous men I'm worried you'll find attractive. Why don't you and your friends pick a safer, more fun activity, like cleaning my garage?

Daughter: Because I am an adult. Besides, it will be educational. I can see and experience things there that I could never do in America, like Euro Disney.

Me: When do you expect to leave?

Daughter: Just as soon as we can get the tickets to Cancun.

Me: Cancun! Honey, I know things have changed a lot since I was in college, but I don't think they made Cancun part of Europe. I take it this is sort of a pre-vacation vacation?

Daughter: No, Dad, it's not like a vacation. We're going to Cancun first because obviously we can't go to Europe without a tan.

Me: I don't know why that didn't occur to me.

Daughter: And then, like I said, we're going to be doing all kinds of educational stuff, like climb the Eiffel Tower and visit that pub in England where Churchill thought up his speeches. So calling it a "vacation" is really a misdeed.

Me: You mean a "misnomer," and no, actually, it isn't. Well, okay. But I'm not giving you money for it.

Daughter: Right, I don't need you to give me money. I just need you to loan me money.

(Here comes the part that they hate. If you have teenagers you may not want them to read this, because (a) they may find it emotionally traumatizing, and (b) if you wait until you actually need it and then shock them with this technique without any warning, it's more fun.)

Me: No.

Daughter: What? Why not? Brittany's parents are letting her go!

Me: Oh, I'm not preventing you from going, I'm just not paying for it. If you want to go, you'll need to get a job and save your money.

Daughter: Well you should have told me this before now! It's too late to save money!

Me: What about what you've earned so far this summer?

Daughter: That was for my expenses!

Me: Yes, I saw the new clothes.

Daughter: New clothes for the trip to Europe! Dad, you have to let me go, I'll never have an opportunity like this again in my whole life!

Me: Actually, I think you're okay. Europe's been there for a long time. You can look it up.

Daughter: This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I'm going to my room!

Me: May I remind you that technically that isn't your room?

Daughter: No!

With a loud slam of the door that technically isn't hers, she retreats. I expect that soon she'll shift tactics, requesting money for unobjectionable things (like books) that will wind up in her Euro-Disney budget.

It's what she's learning to do in college.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/04/10 07:41 AM

today'sTHOT============================

Before entering a battle of wits, check your ammunition.

=======================================
Posted By: LovingAnyway

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/04/10 08:05 AM

LOL, Orchid. I love it. Blue teeth where we used to call 'em blue hairs.

Oh, wait...my age is showing.

Now, give me back my garage door opener.

:::hallelujah and pass that ammunition my way, Lil:::

LA
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/04/10 08:13 AM

I'm off to pump rust. Or apply deodorant. cant figure out which I like better smile

I see my new facebook status!!!
Posted By: aphelion

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/05/10 07:22 PM

MILITARY WORDS OF WISDOM

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper, once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

Clean it, if it's Dirty.
Oil it, if it Squeaks.
Don't Screw with it if it Works!
USAF Electronic Technician

"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."

"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ,
I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 40,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore SR-71 pilot

A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude:
Latitude is Where We are Lost
Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There!

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case"

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine air plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up the pilot dies."

The three most famous last words in aviation:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
"Oh shinola!"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation. We never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest air plane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." Heard muttered by Dale Woods!

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot replys, "Beats me, I just got here myself."
Posted By: SIHW

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/05/10 08:58 PM

Originally Posted By: aphelion
MILITARY WORDS OF WISDOM

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper, once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

Clean it, if it's Dirty.
Oil it, if it Squeaks.
Don't Screw with it if it Works!
USAF Electronic Technician

"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."

"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ,
I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 40,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore SR-71 pilot

A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude:
Latitude is Where We are Lost
Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There!

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case"

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine air plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up the pilot dies."

The three most famous last words in aviation:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
"Oh shinola!"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation. We never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest air plane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." Heard muttered by Dale Woods!

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot replys, "Beats me, I just got here myself."


ROFL That was awesome.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/06/10 05:10 AM

Good one Aph

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/06/10 05:11 AM

FROM THE BOOK OF DAVIDICUS: WHEN YOU EAT OF THE SPOILS POST HALLOWEEN
By David Regier

3 Of the spoils of your wandering, you shall devote a tenth of the firstfruits to your father. But take heed that you devote what has chocolate, so that he shall be pleased with what he receives.

4 Of the Reese's, you shall devote them all, likewise the Snickers. But take heed, lest you try to test your father and give him Skittles instead of M&Ms, and thereby incur his disfavor.

5 Of the Pixi Stix, and the Sweet Tarts, and the Kandy Korn, you shall give him no part, for they are an abomination unto him. But of the Nestle Crunch and Krackel, you shall give him a portion, as a peace offering.

6 Lest you grumble because of the nuts in the flesh of your spoils, you may offer the bars that contain them unto your father. Mr. Goodbar is favored, as are the Peanut M&Ms. Almond Joy hath nuts, Mounds don't.

7 You shall reserve the choicest fruits: the special darks, and the truffles, for an offering to your mother, who bore you, who brought you to life. And it is under her rule as to when you are able to eat the remainder.

8 And on the day of cleansing, the last day, all the bags shall be opened, and I shall say unto you, "How on earth did we get so many Tootsie Rolls?" And all that remains will be cast into the bin.

9 And if any acceptable offerings are found that have been left to rot, or get that white crusty stuff on the chocolate, I shall say to you, "How is it that you have hidden this from my eyes, and have not even eaten it?" And your father shall not be pleased with you.

(Davidicus 10:3-9 DADV)
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/09/10 04:38 AM

Lady Driver Over 60.......
A mature (over 60) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for
drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know who likes a chuckle.
I just d
id!

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/09/10 06:33 AM

The Gas Men

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/09/10 06:34 AM

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/09/10 02:55 PM

Build a man a fire, and you'll keep him warm for a night.

But, set a man on fire, and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/09/10 07:19 PM

Stuffed pockets

A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"

"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
Posted By: SIHW

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/09/10 07:46 PM

Originally Posted By: 2long
Build a man a fire, and you'll keep him warm for a night.

But, set a man on fire, and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life!



Ahahahaha ROFL Don't think that hasn't crossed my mind!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/09/10 08:18 PM

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

Mum said, "You should say "No" - they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/09/10 09:17 PM

Little Emily and Dirty Johnny are playing "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" after school.

DJ: "Haha! You don't have one of THESE!"

E: "Yeah, but my mom says that with one of THESE, I can get as many of THOSE as I want!"

blush

-ol' 2long
Posted By: aphelion

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/10/10 06:07 PM

Rules for a knife fight:

Bring a knife.
Bring two knives if you have them.
Bring all your friends who have knives.


Sort of applies to fighting adultery too. Only adultery is more like a gunfight.


Posted By: gr8 day 2b alive

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/11/10 05:39 PM

Two cars were driving on the road one behind the other.
In the front car was a couple arguing about the H's infidelity.
And in the second car was a father driving with his 6yo D.

The W in the first car got so upset that she cut off her H's d!ck and threw it out the window. It so happened to land on the windshield of the Dad and Daughter.

Quite shocked at what he saw. Then his D asked him "What's that daddy?" Embarrassed about it and didn't want to expose is D to that topic yet, he told his D that it was a bug.

The daughter says to her dad "OK daddy,"......."it sure had a big d!ck"
Posted By: aphelion

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/11/10 08:34 PM

One of my all-time favorite jokes, as posted by BobPure several years ago:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.

They each order a pint of beer.

The Englishman is about to take a drink from his beer when a fly lands on the foam. He makes a disgusted sound and pushes the beer away.

The Irishman is about to take a drink from his beer when another fly lands on the foam. He reaches down and plucks the fly off, flicks it away and takes a big gulp.

The Scotsman is about to take a drink from his pint when yet another fly lands on the foam (this pub must have been in France.) He snatches the fly out of the foam and says, "Spit it out ye wee [Bleep!]! Spit it out!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/11/10 11:06 PM

Quote:
The Scotsman is about to take a drink from his pint when yet another fly lands on the foam (this pub must have been in France.) He snatches the fly out of the foam and says, "Spit it out ye wee [Bleep!]! Spit it out!"

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/11/10 11:09 PM

Just for Orchid grin

You might be from Hawaii if:

~ You can pronounce humuhumunukunukuapua'a and know which fish it is.

~ You never stand with your back to the ocean ... or a blow hole.

~ You know what "Kane" and "Wahine" mean without looking at the pictures on the rest room doors.

~ You say "Aloha" not "AaaalooohAAA!"

~ Your meals usually include one or more of these: rice, poi, and Mac Salad.

~ You have experienced "Hawaiian Paralysis" from consuming these foods in vast quantities.

~ Maybe you can dance the hula, or maybe not, but you know better than to get up on stage and try it in front of strangers!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/11/10 11:09 PM

Children At The Dinner Party

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left.

As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/12/10 01:06 AM

Old west joke:

Guy's working in the livery stables, when this gorgeous young lady rides in2 town on a beautiful horse.

She asks the stable hand 2 take care of her horse for the week while she's dealing with business at the Town Hall.

Guy stutters a bit, but promises 2 take good care of her horse while she's busy.

When she leaves, he says 2 himself: "Man, I've got 2 find a way 2 seduce that gal! Hm... ...let's see. Oh, I know!"

"I'll paint her horse's legs green. She'll come in and she'll ask, 'why did you paint my horses legs green? Won't that scare him?' And I'll say, 'I don't know, but let's go for a ride 2gether and find out!' So, we'll go for a ride, it'll get hot, I'll pull out this bottle of wine, get her drunk, and seduce her!"

He gets back 2 work.

Next day, he thinks 2 himself: "I'd better go over that plan one more time, 2 make sure I've got it right."

"I'll paint her horse's legs green. She'll come in and she'll ask, 'why did you paint my horses legs green? Won't that scare him?' And I'll say, 'I don't know, but let's go for a ride 2gether and find out!' So, we'll go for a ride, it'll get hot, I'll pull out this bottle of wine, get her drunk, and seduce her!"

He's feeling pretty good for the next 2 days, certain that he has the plan straight in his mind. But on day 4, he says 2 himself: "I'd better go over that plan one more time, 2 make sure I've got it right."

"I'll paint her horse's legs green. She'll come in and she'll ask, 'why did you paint my horses legs green? Won't that scare him?' And I'll say, 'I don't know, but let's go for a ride 2gether and find out!' So, we'll go for a ride, it'll get hot, I'll pull out this bottle of wine, get her drunk, and seduce her!"

And it puts his mind 2 ease that he has the plan down. Next day, day 5, he picks up a bottle of the finest Arizona Red that he can find in the saloon down the street. On day six, he says 2 himself: "I'd better go over that plan one more time, 2 make sure I've got it right."

"I'll paint her horse's legs green. She'll come in and she'll ask, 'why did you paint my horses legs green? Won't that scare him?' And I'll say, 'I don't know, but let's go for a ride 2gether and find out!' So, we'll go for a ride, it'll get hot, I'll pull out this bottle of wine, get her drunk, and seduce her!"

And on the final day, day 7, when she's due 2 re2rn 2 the stable for her horse, he gets up early and paints the horses legs green. Then he says 2 himself: "Okay, I've got the horse's legs painted green. She'll come in and she'll ask, 'why did you paint my horses legs green? Won't that scare him?' And I'll say, 'I don't know, but let's go for a ride 2gether and find out!' So, we'll go for a ride, it'll get hot, I'll pull out this bottle of wine, get her drunk, and seduce her!"

"Okay, here she comes!"

Gal walks in2 the stable, takes a look at her horse and says: "Why did you paint my horse's legs green? Won't that scare him?"

Guy: "I don't know, let's f***!!" eek
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/12/10 01:13 AM

I can't believe I read that whole thing. You are one mean blue dude.
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/12/10 01:18 AM

Wait until I get time 2 tell the "Green Mangies" joke!

-ol' 2long
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/12/10 01:22 AM

Is that one as long as the "Fuzzy Fish" story?
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/12/10 01:33 AM

Uh oh...

...never heard the fuzzy fish story!

But I've been known 2 make the Green Mangies joke last about 45 minutes!

-ol' 2lon
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/12/10 04:05 AM

Originally Posted By: lildoggie
Just for Orchid grin

You might be from Hawaii if:

~ You can pronounce humuhumunukunukuapua'a and know which fish it is.

~ You never stand with your back to the ocean ... or a blow hole.

~ You know what "Kane" and "Wahine" mean without looking at the pictures on the rest room doors.

~ You say "Aloha" not "AaaalooohAAA!"

~ Your meals usually include one or more of these: rice, poi, and Mac Salad.

~ You have experienced "Hawaiian Paralysis" from consuming these foods in vast quantities.

~ Maybe you can dance the hula, or maybe not, but you know better than to get up on stage and try it in front of strangers!


RIGHT!!! Plus when my neck is red... it is because of a sunburn!!! grin

Btw when I was very young (about 150 years ago), I did dance the hule for my mom's friends in CA (at their request). I faked it since I never had a hula lesson. LOL!!! eek grin They never knew the difference. wink

Orchid

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/12/10 05:36 AM

2 long, stay off my joke thread until you have a GOOD joke!
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/12/10 06:33 PM

Don't know if anybody posted it yet, but it's a perfect "dumb blonde" joke for a Friday:

A Doctor got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde young lady already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "****."

...She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "****."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "****."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh ?"

The man answered, "**** means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhhh."
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/12/10 06:51 PM

hahahahahahahaha -

wait! I used to be blond. I mean, er, um, I still am....because I'm worth it.

I told this joke to my kids the other day:

Did you hear about the cowboy dog who limped into the bar on three legs and said, "I'm lookin' fer tha man who shot my paw....."

That is your penance for the blond joke smile
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/15/10 12:31 AM

thats funny Herf

Internet troll

Warning, a little profane, and uses TD type topics for humour.
Posted By: cinderella

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/16/10 02:37 PM

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the [edit] and [edit] that will put you over the top.

Now I know why some people are where they are!
Posted By: OurHouse

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/17/10 02:28 PM

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Northern NSW and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Scottish Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang."

"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/17/10 05:41 PM

OH,

Your Noah joke is hilarious. grin

Made my day. grin

Aloha,
Orchid
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/17/10 05:49 PM

A failure to communicate. smile

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:

"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those [Bleep!]

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ...I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
Posted By: SIHW

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/17/10 06:53 PM

Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/19/10 12:41 AM

Short laughs. grin grin

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or Shoplifting?


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated. Instead of just murdered?



Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?




Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.



Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, Which no decent human being would eat?



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about Him?



Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, Why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!



If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?




If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a Hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?



Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


grin
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/19/10 12:46 AM

A farmer was packing up for the night when he noticed his neighbours barn still had light streaming thru the windows. Thinking the neighbour had left the light on accidently and being good country folk, he decided to do a favour and go over and turn it off.

However when he pushed the door open, to his surprise he saw his neighbour, naked, decked out in flowers, glistening with oil, doing a very seductive dance in front of the tractor.

WHat they heck ARE you doing? asked farmer#1

Well, replied farmer#2, it's like this. My wife aint givng me no SF anymore. I have a talk to a marriage councillor, and she suggested I try and do something sexy to attract her


If you dont 'get' the joke, the answer is in the box.

Click to reveal..
attract her/a tractor, get it???





Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/19/10 05:08 PM

grin grin grin
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/20/10 11:48 PM

Here's what was sent to me by a friend. wink


A Reminder That Laughter is the Best Medicine

http://www.caregiverstress.com/2010/07/a-reminder-that-laughter-is-the-best-medicine/

Watch as this very funny lady reminds us that laughter is the best medicine.

Enjoy!

Orchid
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/21/10 03:36 AM

grin

I absolutely loved that!

tink
Posted By: Telly

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/21/10 05:31 AM

I had heard the story about Elaine before, but I still chuckled.

And the "short laughs" were HILARIOUS!!!

I'm going to watch the video if my computer will allow it.

I love this thread! It's so great at 12:30 in the morning!

smile
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/22/10 06:14 PM


Turkey Hunting

Some people REALLY love Christmas. Me, I love Thanksgiving.

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving.

Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/22/10 06:14 PM

PREGNANT TURKEY

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.

When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, and inserted a Cornish hen into the turkey cavity...then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

-Anon.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/22/10 06:15 PM

FOWL PLAY IN OUR BACKYARD
By Saralee Perel

When I think about ordering take-out food to be delivered to our home around Thanksgiving, a live turkey standing at our front door does not usually come to mind.

One morning I saw a gigantic wild turkey on our door step. I called out to Bob who was sleeping, "Bob? There's a turkey at the door."

When he came to see, there were 3 of them on the step. Upon hearing them pecking on the outside glass door, funnyman Bob said, "They're knocking. Let them in."

Later I learned they were pecking because they saw their reflections and figured they had to get those "other" turkeys out of their territory. Since the team in the reflection wouldn't leave, the real ones wouldn't either.

I e-mailed a wildlife expert. He wrote back, "They attack dogs and cats and even people."

I am 5 feet tall. Turkeys can be 4 and a half feet tall. It is not pleasant looking eye to eye at a turkey.

I told the wildlife guy that I was frightened for our dog, a border collie. He replied, "Don't worry about the border collie. The turkeys should worry about that dog!"

This leads me to another ridiculous animal situation. Becky is the only stupid border collie in the universe. She's terrified of the turkeys. When she sees them, she screams like a human. You couldn't tell the difference between her scream and Janet Leigh's in the shower scene from "Psycho."

While Becky's screaming, she runs, backwards, until she smashes into a tree. She doesn't learn from this. She continues running backwards, keeping her eye on the turkeys until she slams into another tree. Meanwhile, the turkeys just stand there looking at her as if she's the birdbrain.

By the time she crashes into enough trees so that she's near the back door, she does a quick spin and makes a mad dash inside the house, where, still screaming, she scrambles to hide under Bob's desk.

So now I've got this new phobia. When I leave the house, I race to our truck, constantly scanning the yard for lurking turkeys. They roost 20 to 40 feet up in the trees. Not only am I scared to death of them chasing me; I'm expecting a turkey to drop on my head. I can imagine calling Bob at work from my cell phone. "Bob? There's a turkey on my head."

I researched how to humanely get them the heck away from here. On the National Wildlife Federation web site, suggestions (I am serious) include: "Whitewash all buildings so they don't roost," as well as setting off "propane cannons."

One other wildlife expert gave me this ever-so-practical idea, "There are machines that make gunshot sounds every once in a while. But when they realize nothing is really there shooting at them, they'll probably just go sit on the machine."

Great. I'm surprised someone hasn't suggested I get the Stealth Bomber to roar around our backyard in circles, dropping dynamite at 10 minute intervals. Now I know why Bush didn't find any weapons of mass destruction. Everybody in the "Turkeys are Fair Game" club is hoarding them.

When I googled "Wild turkeys," I found a local association's newsletter. YAY! Finally, I'd read about how to get them out of here. What did I see instead? Stories and pictures of wild turkeys looking at their reflections in the glass on the front doors of people living within a mile from us.

The association's suggestion? Enjoy the turkeys. I may take them up on that advice, but not in the spirit of how it was meant.
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/23/10 06:22 AM

This was a fortune my daughter got in a cookie


catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come for miles to watch you burn

I cracked up

tink
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/23/10 09:04 AM

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/23/10 06:15 PM

Last Minute Turkey

It's the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door. "Please let me in," says the man, "I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"OK" says the butcher. "Let me see what's left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That one's too skinny. What else have you got"? says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes then brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them."
Posted By: cinderella

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/23/10 07:44 PM

I think [edit] is humorous enough to not need any funny lines.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/23/10 08:04 PM

watched all 6.59 of it.

One of those illustrations at the end was a bit alarming.
Posted By: Vittoria

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/23/10 08:31 PM

ooooooh just got this one this am and had to share, I had a chuckle with this one smile


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible
bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. frown
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." confused

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the
pain that poor Tom must have experienced. shocked

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. cry
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out
they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, claps
and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." eek

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time,
his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. thumbsup

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. blush

"I just want to tell my wife the word is ........ sternum." dancing
Posted By: aphelion

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/23/10 10:19 PM

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92ro_ggwe4g&feature=more_related
Posted By: cinderella

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/24/10 05:57 AM

Aph, that is funny!
Posted By: cinderella

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/24/10 06:07 AM

Folks, while I'm in the mood, I will give you Wednesday's post planned to cause the death of this thread.....

Sorry - language not appropriate in video
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/24/10 08:13 PM

Cinders.

this is NOT the thread to kill. The joke thread lives on forever.......
Posted By: aphelion

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/24/10 08:34 PM

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect -

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

I'm not paranoid, I know they are after me.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Money isn't everything, but it is way ahead of whatever is in second place.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm never wrong, I just change my mind.

I'm never wrong I once thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Posted By: cinderella

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/24/10 09:00 PM

Peeps, I'm sorry. I had not listened to all of that video. lesson learned. cry
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/10 04:34 AM

Paraprosdokian

Is that like an RB cousin? grin I like 'em. :rofl:

Orchid
Posted By: princessmeggy

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/10 04:52 AM

laugh1
Posted By: princessmeggy

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/10 04:54 AM

That's hilarious Aph! Having grown kids I can appreciate this (and might use it sometime, lol).
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/10 07:17 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2AJ8aiE4a4&feature=related
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/10 07:17 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBJiNZz-KSo&feature=related
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/10 09:24 PM



It's the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door. "Please let me in," says the man, "I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"OK" says the butcher. "Let me see what's left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That one's too skinny. What else have you got"? says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes then brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them."
Posted By: cinderella

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/29/10 09:57 PM

This is so funny that I'm gonna post it. If you don't like it, get a grip!!

Posted By: silverado

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/03/10 02:59 PM

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Minnesota. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/05/10 01:53 PM

Originally Posted By: silverado
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Minnesota. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.


The moral to this story...... don't mess with the gals from Texas. wink

Btw, out here we have a lady volcano named Pele. Silly men, used to think that Pele w/b appeased with an offering of a young female. The modern Ms. Pele much rather have deadbeat H's. eek ....... LOL!!!! grin :rofl:
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/10 07:54 AM

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Kiwi led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.


'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.



His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For bleep's sake, you stupid Kiwi bleep. It's ten past three in the bleeping morning!!!'

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/10 07:55 AM

My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.

"Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??"

My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/10 07:56 AM

Three gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.

"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"

"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/10 09:18 PM

Schoompies!!!!

These are little cartoons of conversations between a WH and his OW. They were created by a BW, who used her own WH's texts and emails as inspiration smile

Warning, they do contain some sexual references, some profanity, and may cause triggers due to the very real nature of the comments. Most have a PG rating.

our love is real

my wife knows everything

trouble in paradise

more trouble in paradise

we have a problem

my wife was mean to my attorney

no-one goes to Greenland



There are others, but I didnt link them as they have alot of profanity

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/19/10 01:43 AM

If the birth of Jesus was covered by today's tabloids:

ILLEGAL ALIEN HAS ILLEGITIMATE BIRTH -
BABY EXPECTED TO BE CHARGED WITH TREASON

BETHLEHEM -- It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped for the use of a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.

"There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw," commented local public health authorities. "We even found a donkey inside."

"The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances," offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. "She claims to have been a virgin."

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. "There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God," explained Pilate, "and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future."

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol carrying illegal contraband. "We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh," explained an official with the Border Patrol. "And they didn't have any papers." The Kings were promptly arrested and deported to Syria.

At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem. "This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to global warming," the Director of the Environmental Protection Agency commented.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/19/10 01:44 AM

TEN WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

3. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

4. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
I do this. I have a collection of hand painted wooden christmas eggs from Hungary - Lil
5. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

6. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

7. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

8. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

9. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

10. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/19/10 01:46 AM

Q: What do elves learn in school?
Christmas Present
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.

Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!

Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.

Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!

Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!

Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.

Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.

Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/19/10 01:53 AM

Dear Santa:

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.
Christmas Present
I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.

We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."

The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.

This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.

And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.

You probably want to smack her yourself.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/19/10 01:55 AM

Fireman one just for Flick smile

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

Snowman The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/19/10 01:59 AM

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
Christmas Elf
What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !

How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/19/10 02:05 AM

If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.


What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)

Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing.

The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"

You: "No."

Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."

You: "About the drugs?"

Police: "No."

You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?"

Police: "No, the noise."

You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"

Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"

You: "No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/19/10 02:13 AM

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
Christmas Elf
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/19/10 02:38 PM

I made this joke up in the car yesterday and was very proud of myself. It made my DD14 hang her head and cover her face so it must be good.

What would you call it if Jesus came back on the night of the Hip Hop Awards?

The RAPture

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha....word!
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/26/10 07:51 AM

Please listen to the third question

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/05/11 04:01 AM

404 errors

with this level of creativity, why do we just get a white page with a black 404 on it?
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/05/11 04:42 AM

Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.

Her paper read:

Frugal: to save

Sentence:

Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out.

She yelled "Frugal me, Frugal me!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/05/11 04:43 AM

Two elderly sisters donated $25 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to the Superbowl. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/06/11 06:17 AM

This cracks me up
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/06/11 06:39 PM

I can never think of jokes, lildoggie where do you get all these?

tink
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/06/11 09:44 PM

I get about 10 a day emailed to me. I just re post the best ones, and/or ones I havent seen before. Most things I have seen about 20 times already. I hardly ever get a new one frown
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/07/11 08:39 AM



perky

tink
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/10/11 08:03 AM

Things NOT to say to your wife smile




Posted By: cinderella

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/10/11 07:46 PM

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/11/11 11:32 PM

Yakov, a new Russian immigrant, comes to America. ON his first day, he vists a supermarket.

As he walked down the aisles, the first thing he noticed was powdered milk. ‘Just add water & you get milk.' Then he saw powdered orange juice. ‘Just add water & you get orange juice.'

Then he saw baby powder, & thought to himself, ‘What a country!
Posted By: cinderella

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/11/11 11:49 PM

Originally Posted By: lildoggie
.....Then he saw baby powder, & thought to himself, ‘What a country!


grin
Posted By: OurHouse

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/12/11 06:58 PM

Just heard this one today. Hope it's ok for this forum.

A mother was bathing her 3 year old son. The little boy points to his genital area and says "Mommy, are those my brains?"

And his mother replies: "Not yet".
Posted By: Vittoria

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/12/11 07:34 PM

I haven't kept up with this thread like I usually do, so I hope this one isn't already here .........



Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'

She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'
Posted By: ShockedOne

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/14/11 09:46 PM

Didn't go through to see if this has been posted yet, but here goes.


A guy finds a lamp on the beach and rubs it to have a genie pop out. The genie says I will grant you 3 wishes, but every wish I grant you, your ex wife will get double.
Guy says "fine, I want 10 million dollars". Genies says "ok, you now have it in your account, and your X has 20".
"next I want a mansion on the hill with a Ferrarri, Harley, and a Land Rover".

"Done, but your X has double"

"And finally I would like you to beat me half to death"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/15/11 12:38 AM

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married..

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/16/11 04:47 PM

Had to share!

Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/17/11 06:31 AM

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/11 01:26 AM

STC (Senior Texting Codes)

Since more and more seniors citizens are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for senior discounts, these are the codes for you:

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Feel free to add any codes you feel are missing

GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/11 01:27 AM

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/11 01:28 AM

Deep Thorts......


~ A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
~ A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
~ A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart.
~ All that wander are not lost...but most of the rest of us need a GPS just to find our pants.
~ Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
~ As for me and my mouse, we will serve the Lord!
~ Be moderate where pleasure is concerned - avoid fatigue.
~ Before entering a battle of wits, check your ammunition.
~ Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.
~ Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
~ Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
~ Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
~ Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
~ Experience is that thing you have just after you need it.
~ Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.
~ Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
~ Genius is perseverance in disguise.
~ Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.
~ Happy RamaHanuKwanzMas!
~ Have you ever seen anyone actually laughing all the way to the bank?
~ Having abs like a six-pack is nothing. I have abs like a barrel.
~ He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
~ He who hesitates is not only lost, but probably several miles from the next freeway exit.
~ He who hesitates is probably right.
~ He who laughs last thinks slowest.
~ He who lives in a glass house should change his clothes in the basement.
~ He who lives in a glass house should not invite in he who is without sin.
~ He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the other half.
~ He who throws mud loses ground.
~ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~ HELP WANTED: Telepath. You know where to apply.
~ History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
~ Home is where you hang your @
~ Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
~ Honk if you love peace and quiet.
~ Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
~ How can I miss you if you won't go away?
~ How can someone "draw a blank"?
~ How can there be self-help groups?
~ How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
~ How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
~ How do you throw away your old garbage cans?
~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire when you can't start a camp fire with a whole book of matches?
~ How is it that when you eat a 1 pound bag of M&M's you can gain more than 1 pound?
~ How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking?
~ How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
~ How would we measure hail without golf balls?
~ I am a bomb squad technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
~ I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.
~ I am a Nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
~ I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious self-righteous people around me.
~ I am having an out-of-money experience.
~ I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
~ I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
~ I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
~ I am not evil. Just divinely challenged.
~ I did NOT escape. They gave me a day pass.
~ I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
~ I didn't trip. I was testing gravity. It still works.
~ I don't mind going to work. But that 8-hour wait to go home is awful!
~ I eat my coffee straight from the can. Why dilute it?
~ I had a life once... traded it for a bigger flash drive.
~ I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
~ I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
~ I have a mind like a steel ... you know ... doohicky.
~ I have a super power. I can read my own thoughts.
~ I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ I have to power walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
~ I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
~ I know a guy who does the work of three men...Moe, Larry & Curly.
~ I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!
~ I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.
~ I lost my mood ring today. I don't know how I feel about losing it.
~ I love poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.
~ I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
~ I made a mental note, but forgot where I put it.
~ I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some jerk with a torch, bringing me more work.
~ I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
~ I used to think middle age had to do with age, now I'm finding out it has to do with my middle.
~ I'm not odd or strange ... just quietly rearranged.
~ If crime doesn't pay, does that mean my job is a crime?
~ If it doesn't matter who wins or loses, then why do they keep score?
~ If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.
~ If you're going be late, then be late! And not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
~ If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
~ If you're worrying, you're praying to the wrong God.
~ In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
~ It's better to tell your money where to go than to ask where it went.
~ Just thinking about The Wizard of Oz...just why did they give the heartless Tin Man an axe?
~ Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
~ Live each day like it's your last. One day you'll get it right.
~ Love is lovely when it's easy, but much truer when it's hard.
~ My mind is like lightning. One bright flash and it's gone.
~ My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
~ Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
~ Our greatest hopes and our worst fears are seldom realized.
~ Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every person has many, not on your past misfortunes, of which all people have some.
~ Remember that Triumph is just a little "umph" added to "try."
~ Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
~ Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
~ Sign in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is our manure spreader.
~ Small minds discuss persons. Average minds discuss events. Great minds discuss ideas.
~ Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
~ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"
~ The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts the moment you get up and doesn't stop until you get into the office.
~ The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
~ The road to success is always under construction.
~ The sign said "Eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.
~ There is great need for a sarcasm font.
~ There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
~ There is only one exceptional child in the world...and every mother has it.
~ There's always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
~ They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em.
~ Today I'm gonna make yesterday jealous.
~ Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
~ We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
~ What if the Hokey-Pokey really IS what it's all about?
~ What was the best thing before sliced bread?
~ When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "Fred."
~ You spend the first 2 years teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.
~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/11 01:30 AM

One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers.

They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:

'Port: Left, Starboard: Right.'
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/11 01:30 AM

A man was walking through a German forest when he saw this deep cave, so he decided to go exploring. He walked in a ways and saw a flickering light far ahead so he walked to it.

He was surprised to find an old man with a large stack of music scores in front of him. The old man was rubbing the notes off of the paper and laying the blank sheets aside.

The walker was astonished when he saw who he thought the man was. It seemed to be Mozart! He asked, "Are you Mozart?"

"Yes", the old man replied.

"Would that be Wolfgang Mozart?"

Again the reply was "Yes."

"Well, you've been dead for centuries. What are doing rubbing notes off of music?"

[Ready for this ... ???]



The old man looked up, "I'm decomposing!"
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/11 05:39 AM

HAHAHAHAHA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkLq1j1kOaU&feature=related
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/20/11 06:45 AM



Lets try that hahahaha

again

tink
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/21/11 03:47 AM

Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/21/11 03:57 AM

Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/21/11 04:03 AM

a
Posted By: kimmie lee

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/21/11 04:40 PM

Funny thread!

I like giving the punchline and letting people figure out the set-up:

"Yes, but this one is eating my popcorn."

"Tiny's Bar and Grill, Albuquerque, New Mexico."

"So, the paid escort says, slide over, I have to gargle."

"Did you hear the one about the woman who shaved her legs and wrecked 'em?"

Ok, so the last one is the complete joke.
Posted By: Danf

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/22/11 03:14 AM

This one or something similar is probably already on here, but here goes anyway.

Ollie and Olga referred to having sex as "doing the wash". One day, Ollie asked Olga if she wanted to do the was, but Olga said, not tonight Ollie, I am too tired. The next day, Ollie asked again and Olga said, No thanks, I'm not really in the mood. Two days later Olga was feeling a bit frisky and asked Ollie if he wanted to do the wash. Ollie replied, Nah, I did it by hand.

I'm guessing that everyone already heard that one.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/22/11 03:37 AM

A young, new Christian went to his local small town church one weekend. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."

"Hymns," said his wife, "What are those?"

"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different." said the young man.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.

The young man said, "Well, it's like this--if I were to say to you 'Martha, the cows are in the corn', well that would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain There in their heads is no shadow of sense Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yes those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed Then goaded by minions of darkness and night They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed So look to that bright shining day by and by Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a Hymn.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/22/11 03:38 AM

The federal government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following:

- Shovel
- Blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including hat and gloves
- 24 hours worth of food
- De-icer
- Rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares or reflective triangles
- Full spare gas can
- First aid kit
- Booster cables

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/22/11 03:44 AM

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/22/11 03:45 AM

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house.

Time passes.

After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."

The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/22/11 03:59 AM

Science Department jokes smile

Three students are sitting in a lab room together. One is studying to be a physicist, another is studying to be an engineer, and the last student is studying to be a mathematician.


A fire starts at one of the lab stations.

The engineering studen runs to another lab station, fills a beaker with water and uses it to douse the fire.

An hour later the physics student says, "You only needed 480ml of water to put out the fire".

The next week in the same lab room, the mathematics student says, "I have proven you can put out the fire".

----

Aweful joke, I know.

I feel like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory now.
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/23/11 02:33 AM

Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/23/11 02:34 AM

TH....(knock knock knock)...TH...(knock knock knock)...TH...(knock knock knock)

Bazinga!
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/11 09:22 PM

Got this from a friend in CA...... wink


Believe it or not...
These are Memphis, TN's
REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.




My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!



And the winner is..........and the reason I will always have a job.........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/11 09:42 PM

In a case of the truth is stranger than fiction, this REALLY is a Memphis 911 call:

Quote:
"I got this 911 tape through an open records request. Listen closely to hear what sounds like snoring."

HERE'S HOW IT BEGAN...

"I need somebody over here."

"LISA" CALLED 9-1-1 AND GOT A MEMPHIS OPERATOR.

SHE TOLD THE OPERATOR SHE WAS ROBBED AT GUNPOINT EARLIER THAT NIGHT --

AND THAT NOW SHE HEARS SOMEONE TRYING TO GET INTO HER HOME!

"I just heard tapping on my window, I need somebody over here."

LISA'S LIFELINE THEN WENT SILENT.

SHE CONTINUED TO EXPLAIN HER SITUATION...BUT THE DISPATCHER DID NOT RESPOND...

NOT FOR JUST 15 SECONDS OR 30 SECONDS...BUT FOR 1 FULL MINUTE!

THEN...SOUNDS OF SNORING.

"Are you there? Silence...Yes, ma'am, what is the um, what's your address?"

LISA HAD ALREADY GIVEN THE DISPATCHER HER ADDRESS.
Memphis 9-1-1 Operator Falls Asleep
Posted By: johnstwin

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/28/11 04:56 AM

I'm not very good at remembering jokes but this always makes me laugh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/28/11 04:11 PM

THIS is priceless!

Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/28/11 08:56 PM

What a riot. Gonna have to share it with my son's robotics advisor/teacher. grin

Thanks,
Orchid
Posted By: Rambling Man

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/29/11 02:34 AM

laugh1

Really liked #6!
Posted By: aphelion

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/01/11 04:46 PM

I haven't read every joke in this thread…hope these aren't redundant...


A rancher drives to a neighbor's and knocks at the door. A boy, about 9, opens the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Linda, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. " I know dad charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Posted By: aphelion

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/01/11 04:57 PM

A Mathematician, a Physicist and an Engineer are at a bachelor party when a scantily clad lady jumps out of the cake.

The mathematician takes a big drink of his beer, sighs and says, "That sure is a beautiful woman. Too bad I can never get to know her better. According to Zeno I can get half way to her, then half way further, then half way the rest of the way and so on, never actually reaching her."

The Physicist takes a drink from his beer and shakes his head and says, "I know what you mean. The Uncertainty Principle tells me that no matter where I localize her she will be somewhere else before I can do anything about it."

The engineer stares at the other two for a moment, sets his beer down and says, "Excuse me. I'm going over to introduce myself."

The Mathematician and the Physicist say, "Didn't you listen to us? It's useless!"

As he is walking away the Engineer says, "Yes I heard you. But, I can get close enough for all practical purposes."
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/02/11 06:03 AM

Hey, I found a hoedown...lol

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/02/11 10:41 PM

"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.

"Good Grief!" he said startled.

"You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."

"I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/02/11 10:41 PM

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, as a duck hunter, I was in the market for a new bird dog a few years ago. My search finally ended when I found a dog that could not only retrieve, but could actually walk on water! Of course I bought him immediately but wasn't sure how I'd tell my hunter buddies.

I decided to try to break the news to one friend at a time starting with a long-time buddy who was also a hunter. He was a pessimist by nature, but invited him to hunt with me and my new dog.

As we waited, carefully concealed by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. We fired, and ducks fell at a distance. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the birds, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long--each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

My pessimist buddy watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word about it the entire day.

On the drive home the silence was suddenly broken when my friend said, "Too bad about your dog."

A little surprised at his statement, I asked, "What do you mean?"

"I mean," drawled the pessimist slowly, "it's too bad ya got stuck with one that can't swim."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/02/11 10:42 PM

A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.

He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
Posted By: johnstwin

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/03/11 05:01 AM

Here's some good advice based on a story I heard on the new today:

It's probably not a good idea to go to court drunk when you are there for the charge of DUI (driving under the influence). Especially if you have posted bail for another DUI previously...you usually don't get to go home and get a toothbrush before they take you to jail. smirk

Thank goodness the goober in this news story didn't get to make bail again. He was at his second DUI/bail hearing when he showed up a bit...intoxicated.

Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200....
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/05/11 08:34 PM

Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/05/11 08:36 PM

Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/07/11 07:17 PM

Posted By: kimmie lee

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/07/11 08:43 PM

Originally Posted By: heremainsfaithful

laugh1 laugh1 laugh1

So funny because it's so true!

Women can be so ridiculous.

I think I would rather slit my wrists than watch The Notebook, or most any other chick flick. eek

Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/07/11 11:38 PM

The longer I am married the more like a man I think. The other day a friend was on the phone telling me something, and I was thinking "Just get to the point." smile

I did read The Notebook, but the movie....not so much.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/07/11 11:56 PM

Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/08/11 01:03 AM

Did you get those from Medc? hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/10/11 07:35 AM

No, but he might appreciate this one:

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with none of the whining about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. Justice would be swift. Case closed!

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system: "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number ____. Shalom."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/10/11 07:36 AM

I was so depressed last night thinking about health insurance, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, my lost savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . .

I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press "1" for English.

I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/10/11 07:45 AM

Existential Zingers

What did love say to fear? Nothing. Love knows no fear.

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

Why do they bother saying "raw" sewage? Do some people cook that stuff? (George Carlin)

People in hell...where do they tell someone to go? (Red Skelton)

I didn't invent the hypothetical situation, but let's just suppose for a second that I did. (Auggie Cook)

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake nights wondering if there really is a dog. (unknown)


Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!" He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)


A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." (Woody Allen ? - at the end of the film "Annie Hall")


I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)


I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)


I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)


Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (George Burns)


I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I don't know... look around, listen to the radio ..." (Bill Braudis)


Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)


If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)


I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)


I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)


I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. (Janeane Garofalo)


Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done. (Andy Rooney)


You can't have everything. Where would you put it? (Steven Wright)


Let me ask you something--if someone's lying, are their pants really on fire? (Jerry Seinfeld)
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/17/11 07:17 AM

Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/17/11 03:38 PM

tink.....my parents wouldn't let us listen to that when I was a kid!

This is for all the old people (not me of course)
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/18/11 02:30 PM

Originally Posted By: heremainsfaithful
tink.....my parents wouldn't let us listen to that when I was a kid!



I love Ray Stevens.... he's got more songs that are also funny. grin

I must confess, I told Tink about that song and wouldn't you know it, she'd find it on U-Tube. LOL!!!!

Pam Peterson is a hoot. I heard her memory spoof song before. It is getting easier to relate to. YIKES!!!!! eek grin

Orchid

Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/18/11 04:08 PM

I like Ray Stevens' song about the squirrel that went berzerk in the church. And after I went to a particular type of church service with I friend of mine.....I liked it even more.

My kids love Weird Al. Their favorite is Amish Paradise, but I always feel like that one is kind of rude to the Amish
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/23/11 06:12 PM

When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.

Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/23/11 10:46 PM

Originally Posted By: lildoggie
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.

Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.



So I got dizzy just reading this.... but I have one question.... does this mean (what your wrote above)......that 2 Wongs make a Wright? grin

Gotta go driving in the rainstorm they have been threatening we would have... it's here now. eek We are suppose t/b under a flood watch. I am thinking of getting out my fishing pole. Where's S&C, maybe he's got a boat I can borrow. LOL!!! grin

Orchid

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/04/11 05:19 AM

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight.

I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.....
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/05/11 07:40 AM

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip*****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-[censored], THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my man vegetables and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/10/11 07:09 PM

HELPFUL HEALTH Q&A

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie!
Posted By: LivingWell

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/13/11 03:19 AM

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/15/11 08:54 AM

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/15/11 08:55 AM

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/15/11 08:56 AM


Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.

She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/17/11 03:56 AM

Baby Dancing to Beyonce


Baby Laughing Hysterically at Ripping Paper


Charlie Bit Me
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/18/11 05:24 AM

I heard a joke today.........

Broccoli and snot, kids won't eat everything.
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/18/11 05:26 AM

Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/26/11 03:37 AM

From: Mammy to har dauta….

________________________________________

Dear Beta

Jus a few lines to leh yuh know dat ah still alive. Ah writing slow
cause ah know yuh cyah read fast.

Yuh wont know de house when yuh come home. We move. Ah wont be able to
sen yuh de new address as de last Guyanese family dat live here tek de
house numbers wid dem so they wont have to change deh address at dey
new house.

About yuh fadda.....he gat ah lovely job. He gat now over 1500 men
under he. He cuttin grass at de cemetery.

Dere was a washin machine in de new house when we move in, but it aint
wokin too good. Last week ah put some shirts in it, pull de chain, and
ah aint see de shirts since.

Yuh sister, Parbattie, had a baby dis marning. Ah aint find out wedda
is a boy or a girl, so ah doh know if yuh is ah aunt or ah uncle.


Yuh know Bharose? Well he drown last week in ah vat at de rum
distillery. Some ah he fellow workers dive in to save he, but he fight
dem off bravely. He family cremate he body, and it tek three days to
put out de fire.


Yuh fadda didnt have much tuh drink fuh Christmas. Ah put ah bottle ah
castor oil in he soup.... It keep he goin until New Years.
Ah went to de dacta on Tursday and yuh fadda came wit meh . De dacta
put a small tube in meh mouth an tell meh tuh nat open for 10 minutes.
Yuh fadda offer to buy it from he.

It only rain twice last week. Fus for four days, and then for three
days. Monday it was so windy dat de fowl [Bleep!] fly roun de house fuh ah
half hour and ah hen lay de same egg 3 times.

Ah go write yuh again as soon as ah cud sneak ah next page outta
Vindra copy book.

Love - Mammy
PS: Ah was to send yuh ah twenty dalla but ah already seal de envelope.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/28/11 07:26 AM


ALL PUNS INTENDED

grin

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7.. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12.. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a mussel..

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal...' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan' Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

laugh1


Posted By: OurHouse

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/28/11 03:27 PM



Lunch with the girls through the ages

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/29/11 08:38 PM


A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won. grin



Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/29/11 09:02 PM

BAHAHA!

I love the puns, BTW.....puns are the most elevated form of humor smile
Posted By: Fiddler

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/29/11 09:07 PM

Whenever I try to use an elevated form of humor, I usually wind up getting the shaft ... grin
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/29/11 09:12 PM

Thank you for validating my view of humor! hahahahahahahahahahaha

Your elevator joke really floored me (okay that was bad, but I didn't have much time to write material)
Posted By: Fiddler

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/29/11 09:13 PM

bahahahahaha!

Guess I'll just have to PUNt on this one...
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/30/11 06:01 PM

I'm high maintenance...I take aspirin for the headache caused by the Zyrtec I take for the hayfever I got from Relenza from the uneasy stomach from the Ritalin I take for the short attention span caused by the Scopederm Ts I take for the motion sickness I got from the Lomotil I take for the diarrhea caused by the Zenikal for the uncontrolled weight gain from the Paxil I take for the anxiety from the Zocor I take for my high cholesterol because exercise, a good diet, and regular chiropractic care are just too much trouble.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/30/11 06:02 PM

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.

His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Posted By: Ace

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/31/11 01:54 PM

Is it April 1st in your neck of the woods, Lil?

Not sure if April Fools Day is observed globally or not but I was wondering......

..... what kinds of jokes have been played on others (or on you/anyone) during April Fools Day?

Ace
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/31/11 06:12 PM

yes we have April Fools, but outside of primary school, and the odd radio station prank, no one really makes much of it.
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/31/11 10:31 PM

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/07/11 08:13 AM

GOLF QUOTES

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
-- Pete Dye

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
-- Jim Bishop

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
-- Hank Aaron

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
-- Paul Harvey

Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
-- Jack Benny

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
-- Al Boliska

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
-- Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
-- Ben Hogan

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
-- Chuck Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
-- Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
-- Mark Twain

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
-- Woodrow Wilson

They call it "golf" because all the other four-letter words were taken.
-- Raymond Floyd
Posted By: Vittoria

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/07/11 11:03 AM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. scratch
Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. frown

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact waves

"Judy!...........Judy!"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes. I've come back, like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"


"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. dancing

Then I have lunch, you'd be proud - lots of greens, another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again. claps

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" nod

"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"

"No............I'm a rabbit in Kansas." bunny
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/07/11 11:10 AM

grin
Posted By: Mark1952

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/07/11 11:58 AM

As long as we're expressing gender bias... grin

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a new Wives Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and can cook.

None of the other floors have ever been visited.
Posted By: Vittoria

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/07/11 01:30 PM

Hey Orchid ..... you stinker! grin
That was funny, I don't mind gender bias jokes at all !
I can laugh at myself, with myself or even by myself. hahaha

I like yours too, Mark. Yes we women are always looking for perfection. sigh. grin
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/07/11 05:20 PM

Originally Posted By: Vittoria
Hey Orchid ..... you stinker! grin
That was funny, I don't mind gender bias jokes at all !
I can laugh at myself, with myself or even by myself. hahaha

I like yours too, Mark. Yes we women are always looking for perfection. sigh. grin


I thought it was cute but I had posted it on this thread before. Mustta had a senior moment. LOL!!! I was catching up on the jokes..... I like this thread. wink

Laughter is good medicine. laugh1
Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/09/11 03:21 PM

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/09/11 06:42 PM

laugh1

Well our 'light rail' s/b finished about the same time as that bridge, so maybe you could drive over here for a visit and ride the light rail to my house.

laugh1
Posted By: Looking4

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/21/11 10:39 PM

Sticking with the current theme...

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa -- half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe -- well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain -- very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece -- gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain -- with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel -- has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -- Self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes like Tibet -- Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages... Only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran -- ruled by nuts
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/22/11 12:36 PM

L4 - that is laugh1

Got these from my aunt in CA.

HOLY HUMOUR

**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly,
" It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
(This one is my favorite)

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job.

Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! grin

Posted By: OurHouse

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/22/11 12:41 PM

Oops, sorry, that didn't copy and paste correctly. I'll try it again, later.
Posted By: gr8 day 2b alive

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/29/11 07:01 PM

Cute kids joke.

how do you make a tissue dance?



put a little boogie in it.




Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/01/11 12:01 AM

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules." So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK" the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "But your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where's zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then.... silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Posted By: Larry

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/01/11 12:25 AM


I have posted this elsewhere on the forum, but this deserves to be posted here. It isn't necessarily a "Joke!"

My eight year old son comes home and says, "There is a girl in my class who sure is complicated."

My son, you have an interesting life to look forward to.

Larry
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/01/11 12:41 AM

Larry, he has no idea, does he.......

Actually we are not that complicated if you'd just bother to read the continually amended 2,576 page manual. Sheesh guys, make an effort!
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/12/11 03:16 AM

Need to laugh.... anyone got a spare joke? grin
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/12/11 04:08 AM

The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a 'contract' for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom.. The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out himself. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "At least that other librarian we had could write."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/12/11 04:09 AM

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great- grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/12/11 04:09 AM

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

today'sTHOT============================

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/12/11 04:10 AM

today'sFUNNY===========================

Grandma was in the bathroom putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.

After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

today'sTHOT============================

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/12/11 04:10 AM

After trying for hours to get my daughters to clean their room, I burst in and yelled,

"GET THIS ROOM CLEAN NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!"

My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me with a very puzzled expression and said,

"You mean you're going to get rid of us and have a cow instead?"
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/12/11 04:24 AM

Lil',

Thanks for the laugh....It's been one crazy week and it ain't done yet.... so to laugh is a luxury right now. wink

Mahalo,
Orchid
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/13/11 12:51 AM

I feel your pain.

Your welcome hug
Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/15/11 03:37 PM

For all the Texans -

After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.

One week later, A local newspaper in Texas reported the following: "After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Lubbock, TX, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."Just makes you proud to live in (or be from) Texas, doesn't it?"

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/18/11 08:56 AM

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:


1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/20/11 01:10 AM

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.

Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/20/11 01:11 AM

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for 4:30 on Friday afternoons.

When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained, "I will tell you why - I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/20/11 01:11 AM

HOW DRY IS IT IN TEXAS?

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptise by sprinkling,

the Methodists are using wet-wipes,

the Presbyterian's are giving out rain-checks,

and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/20/11 01:13 AM

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he had insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Son, don't be nervous, just do your best and, if the surgery doesn't go well and I don't make it, just remember, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/20/11 01:15 AM


The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.

"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.

"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.

"It's simple," replied the first.

"Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/20/11 01:52 AM

Lil is the joke queen
Posted By: Mark1952

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/23/11 08:00 PM

BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/25/11 08:43 AM

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:

ATD - at the doctor.
BFF - best friend fell.
BTW - bring the wheelchair.
BYOT - bring your own teeth.
FWIW - forgot where I was.
GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA - got heartburn again.
IMHO - is my hearing aid on?
LMDO - laughing my dentures out.
OMMR - on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL - talk to you louder!

Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/25/11 08:01 PM

Well I'm not quite there with all the middle age text codes..... (thank goodness)..... but sure enjoyed reading it....or maybe scared about when it w/b a reality. eek

Btw, thanks you all for the jokes. It helps me get through the day.... 2 much drama, need to laugh. grin

Mahalo and keep 'um comin'. wink

Orchid
Posted By: Mark1952

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/25/11 09:35 PM

We begin life with someone feeding us, changing our diaper and trying to comfort us when we are feeling afraid and covering us with a nice warm blanket when we are cold. We anticipate a smiling face coming to visit with us and make us feel safe and warm.

As we get older, our priorities begin to change and we are grateful when we have made it all day without messing in our pants or wetting ourselves standing in line somewhere. We need only to have food provided for us and we can feed ourselves, thank you, and don't have to wait to be covered up by anyone in order to feel warm. We are still afraid sometimes but we now seem to be willing to explore the world around us.

Then we get a little older and one day we are teenagers. We now have no fears, see nothing as a threat and can't wait to be on our own and allowed to make decisions for ourselves. We eat junk food whenever we want, walk around in the cold without a jacket and hate being checked up on.

Soon we are old enough to marry and have kids of our own. We feed them, care for them, change their diaper, and comfort them when they are afraid. One day they are teenagers and suddenly we are afraid for them all the time. We hound them to take care of themselves and try to get them to see that the young you has to take care of the old you.

If we are lucky, our kids grow up, get married, have children of their own and we teach them how to change diapers, comfort our grandchildren when they are afraid and keep them safe and warm.

If we live long enough, we find ourselves grateful when we have made it all day without messing our pants or wetting ourselves as we stand in line, waiting to see the doctor.

Soon we anticipate that smiling face coming into the room to comfort us when we are afraid, feed us and make us feel safe and warm. With luck, maybe they will also change our diaper...
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/25/11 10:09 PM

Hey Mark,

That wasn't a joke, that s/b on the reality thread. grin

Thanks for sharing......now I have to figure out how much time I have until I reach paragraph 6. eek

Take care,
Orchid
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/27/11 04:45 AM

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."



Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"



She replies, "It's me .................................................................... talking to the wine."..
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/29/11 09:58 PM

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.

A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

"Cartwheels," Gregory answered.



today'sTHOT============================

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/29/11 09:58 PM

Department Baseball

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.

The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.

To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/29/11 09:59 PM

So you want a day off??? Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and there's NO way you're going to take that day off!

today'sTHOT============================

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

=======================================
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/29/11 11:17 PM

Originally Posted By: lildoggie
......today'sTHOT============================

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

=======================================


Hi Lil,

Thanks for the jokes. U know I check this thread daily. LOL!!!!

Btw, now you have left me with the pix of a little nekk'd turtle in search of his shell. eek

grin

Orchid



Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 05/30/11 10:02 PM

Sh*t Happens

TAOISM: shinola happens.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "shinola happens".
ZEN: (What is the sound of shinola happening?)
JESUITISM: If shinola happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shinola?
ISLAM: shinola happens if it is the will of Allah.
COMMUNISM: Equal shinola happens to all people.
CATHOLICISM: shinola happens because you are bad.
PSYCHOANALYSIS: shinola happens because of your toilet training.
SCIENTOLOGY: shinola happens if you're on our shinola list.
ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shinola happens, and good shinola happens.
UNITARIANISM: Maybe shinola happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.
RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shinola happen to someone else.
JUDAISM: Why does shinola always happen to US?
REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
MYSTICISM: What weird shinola!
AGNOSTICISM: What is this shinola?
ATHEISM: I don't believe this shinola!
NIHILISM: Who needs this shinola?
AZTEC: Cut out this shinola!
QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shinola.
FORTEANISM: No shinola??
12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shinola.
VOODOO: Hey, that shinola looks just like you!
NEWAGE: Visualize shinola not happening.
DEISM: shinola just happens.
EXISTENTIALISM: shinola doesn't happen; shinola is.
SECULAR HUMANISM: shinola evolves.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: shinola is in your mind.
BUDDHISM: shinola happens, but pay no mind.
SHINTOISM: shinola is everywhere.
HINDUISM: This shinola has happened before.
WICCA: Mix this shinola together and make it happen!
HASIDISM: shinola never happens the same way twice.
THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shinola that happens.
DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shinola before you were born.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shinola on Saturdays.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: No shinola happens until Armageddon.
MOONIES: Only happy shinola really happens.
HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.
BAHA'I: It's all the same shinola.
STOICISM: This shinola is good for me.
OBJECTIVISM: Our shinola is good for you.
EST: If my shinola bothers you, that's your fault.
REAGANISM: Don't move; the shinola will trickle down.
FASCISM: shinola makes the trains run on time.
CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shinola away.
EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-shinola.
DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shinola happened to me today.
RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shinola.
CHARISMATIC: This is not shinola and it doesn't smell bad.
MASONIC: shinola happens, but we can't discuss it during Lodge.
RED CROSS: shinola happens - send money.
EVANGELICAL: Praise God in spite of this shinola cause this shinola ain't gonna last much longer.

Posted By: Rambling Man

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/08/11 09:05 AM

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland
asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"


"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry
it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do
you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/09/11 08:28 AM

Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/09/11 05:25 PM

Someone just sent me this on FB:

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth
and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his butt while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/09/11 08:56 PM

I should have figured it out sooner.

It's the shampoo I use in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

I have gotten rid of THAT shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish detergent.

Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! It sure pays to read the label...
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/09/11 08:58 PM

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!", I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million- dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/10/11 12:20 AM

Something H just read:

Celiac Disease Awareness - get tested or become a gluten for punishment.

hahahahahahahahahaha
Posted By: Fiddler

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/10/11 12:27 AM

Speaking of shampoo ...

[geek_alert]A computer programmer drowned in the shower. It seems the instructions on the shampoo bottle read "lather, rinse, repeat." grin [/geek_alert]
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/10/11 12:34 AM

I guess he wasn't in very good CONDITION...

sorry
Posted By: LivingWell

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/10/11 12:39 AM

grin Herf

Posted By: Fiddler

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/10/11 12:43 AM

groan! crazy LOL! grin

Here's what can happen when there is very good "condition"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/10/11 12:49 AM

New Employee Travel Policy

Due to the budget constraints, the following policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:

LODGING:

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations and office lobbies may also provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

TRANSPORTATION:

Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel, in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on such travel. Airline tickets will only be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, the travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

MEALS:

Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Costco Club stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should utilize all you can eat salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together - as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on official travel. Cans of tuna, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

MISCELLANEOUS:

All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save our budget dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover period, which could be used to defray expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure, so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made, as time permits.

FEEDBACK:

As always senior management is interested in your feedback on these proposals. Please e-mail them to head office and they will be carefully reviewed after we return from the senior management motivational retreat in Italy.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/10/11 12:50 AM

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE

"Good morning, at present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep.. beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children, press 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.

If you want to borrow the car, press 3.

If you want us to wash your clothes and do your ironing, press 4.

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.

If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to the theater, start talking - we are listening!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/10/11 12:50 AM

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if
you wish they were.

I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or
seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/10/11 12:51 AM

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be
guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing
happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's
let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set
free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up
at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/10/11 01:10 PM

Wow.... got my 'joke fix'. Even passed some of them on...... grin

Thanks,
Orchid
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/14/11 09:56 AM

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/15/11 02:37 AM

Reversal of Fortune

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.

Won't you forgive and forget?

Your absence is breaking my heart.

I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love, Belinda.

xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/15/11 02:40 AM

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." ‘

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/15/11 02:41 AM

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?", the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

The retiree replied, "Oh great !" NOW you tell me!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/15/11 08:43 AM

Over or under - the toilet paper debate
Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/15/11 02:41 PM

1. The wall does not exert a normal force on the roll, unless they are talking about a (full) roll that actually touches the wall.

2. You could make an argumet about pulling down on the "over" roll results in greater friction on the "axle" (fulcrum in the article) than pulling out or up on the "under" roll does.

3. I disagree that "under" has a tidier appearance. You can fold the "over" end into a cute little triangle!

Ergo, I'm right, the unders are wrong! razz
Problem solved. Everyone should just do as I say.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/15/11 07:37 PM

I am an 'over'.

Primary reason apart from I like the cute little triangle...

The paper being touched by hands that are wiping is being pulled off, not dragged against my wall.

I am also right. Controversy ended.
smile

Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/17/11 07:20 AM

Need more jokes...... bad week....feeling grouchy. mad

grin
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/17/11 07:34 AM

Ditto frown

anyhoo...

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."

He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again.

Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/17/11 07:35 AM

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/17/11 07:35 AM

HEALTH MESSAGE

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.

AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/17/11 07:37 AM

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/17/11 07:37 AM

A farmer had been swindled many times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced the unit as follows:

- Basic Cow $999.95
- Shipping and Handling $35.75
- Extra Stomach $79.25
- Two-tone Exterior $142.10
- Produce Storage Compartment $128.50
- Heavy Duty Straw Chopper $189.60
- 4-Spigot/High Output Drain System $149.20
- Automatic Fly Swatter $88.50
- Genuine Cowhide Upholstery $170.80
- Deluxe Dual Horns $59.25
- Automatic Fertilizer Attachment $339.40
- 4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly $884.16
- Pre-Delivery Wash and Comb $69.80

Farmer Suggested List Price $3336.26
Additional Dealer Adjustment $300.00

Total list price (including options) $3636.26
Tax and Ear Tags $418.00

TOTAL PURCHASE PRICE $4054.26
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/20/11 01:30 AM

From my SIL:

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw,
studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.

I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade."

grin
Posted By: kimmie lee

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/21/11 11:45 PM

Ok Baseball Fans....CAUTION>>>>LANGUAGE:

Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/23/11 08:38 PM

My spacey 15 year old neice's FB status:

I dream of a better world. A place where chickens can cross roads without people questioning their motives.

bahaha
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/30/11 01:33 AM

Apparently the Washington Post held a contest in which high school teachers sent in the worst analogies theyd encountered in grading their students papers over the years. (I place worst in quotes because many of these actually strike me as quite witty).


* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
* He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when youre on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
* The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
* The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wifes infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
* The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
* Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldnt.
* Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigans teeth.
* He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
* Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it hadrusted shut.
* He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
* She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
* She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
* The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
* The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
* Oh, Jason, take me! she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
* It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
* It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
* The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
* Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
* Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like Second Tall Man.
* The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
* The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
* Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
* Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
* They were as good friends as the people on Friends.
* Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Kleins Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
* The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
* He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
* The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
* Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
* The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
* I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I dont speak German. Anyway, its a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I dont know the name for those either.
* She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you cant sing worth a damn.
* Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Cant Believe Its Not Butter.
* It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
* Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
* You know how in Rocky he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
* The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
* Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
* The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/30/11 01:45 AM

UP

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP !

Did this one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . or not . . . it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 06/30/11 01:50 AM

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about believing in Jesus and going to heaven.

At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" they all piped up.

"And what do you have to be to get there?"

"Dead!", one boy yelled.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/01/11 02:56 AM

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot.

One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.

I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door.

"You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/02/11 08:42 PM

Hi Lil,

Thanks for the jokes. I was beginning to get joke withdrawal again..... long week with all kinds of stuff going on. grin

Those students writeups were hilarious. laugh1

Mahalo,
Orchid
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/03/11 09:05 PM

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/03/11 09:05 PM

One the first day of school, the teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the Pledge of Allegiance and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.

As she starts the recitation she looks around the room, "I pledge allegiance to the flag.." when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.

"Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart," she demands.

Andy looks up and replies, "It is over my heart."

After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher inquires, "Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?"

"Well Miss," answers Andy, "because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma never lies."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/03/11 09:06 PM

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"

Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms.

"What's the matter, Philip?" the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"

"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/03/11 09:06 PM

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/04/11 07:16 AM

Oh my.... I must be the only one who just waits for these jokes.... it's one of my stress relieving tactics..... see how important it is? grin

Shared the one about the linguistic professor with H and he loved it!!! grin

Sent it to my son's former robotics advisor. She has a great sense of humor also.

Thanks again for making my day,
Orchid
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/04/11 07:40 AM

Dont pressure me Orchid grin
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/04/11 12:19 PM

Be funny NOW! Be funny NOW! Be funny NOW!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/06/11 08:24 AM

ROFL Ok, okay!

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

today'sTHOT============================

My daughter says I'm nosy. At least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/06/11 08:25 AM

~ A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
~ A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.
~ A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
~ A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
~ A veteran is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America for an amount up to and including their life.
~ All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~ Bacon is a vegetable.
~ Bad spellers of the world, untie!
~ "Be my Valentine...forever." - God
~ Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
~ Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
~ Birds of a feather flock together - and aim for your car.
~ Buffet is actually French for get it yourself.
~ But for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.
~ Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
~ Dead men tell no tales...unless you're in forensics.
~ Do modern witches make use of all the newest spell checkers?
~ Do NOT argue with a spouse who's packing your parachute.
~ Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
~ Do not believe in miracles...rely on them.
~ Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?
~ Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
~ Don't corner something meaner than you.
~ Don't tell your troubles to other people - 95% don't care and the other 5% are glad you have them.
~ Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
~ Every golf shot makes somebody happy.
~ Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.
~ Fences and arguments always have two sides.
~ Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.
~ Hyperbole is a billion times worse than exaggerating.
~ I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
~ I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without their motions being questioned.
~ I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap.
~ I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~ I sat up all night thinking about the sun. Then it dawned on me.
~ I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious!
~ I told my family I never want to depend on a machine and fluids to keep me alive...that's when they took away my computer and coffee maker!
~ I tried to contain myself once, but I escaped.
~ I used to carry two handkerchiefs; one for my glasses and one for my nose. I got them switched once and had a snotty outlook on life for the rest of the day.
~ I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
~ I was once not lame.
~ I went to a book store and tried to find a Wheres Waldo book, but I couldn't find one anywhere...well played, Waldo, well played.
~ I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
~ I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
~ I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
~ I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on the last one.
~ I'll part your behind like it's the Red Sea, and my foot is Moses!
~ I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
~ I'm all out of clever things to say.
~ I'm gonna miss Kadafi's outfits. He makes Lady Gaga look like Johnny Cash.
~ I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
~ I'm not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad example.
~ I'm not sure how ambivalent I should be.
~ I'm very good at opening childproof caps ... with a hammer.
~ I've said it before and I'll say it again, I hate having to repeat myself.
~ If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!
~ If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
~ If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
~ If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
~ If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
~ If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
~ If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
~ If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?
~ If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
~ If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, stop exaggerating!
~ If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.
~ If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
~ If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
~ If we were put on this earth to help others, what are the others here for?
~ If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
~ In God's beanery being roasted to please His taste buds.
~ It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
~ It's amazing what you can accomplish if you don't care who gets the credit.
~ It's easy finding reasons why other folks should be patient.
~ Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
~ Many a family tree needs pruning.
~ May we see our challenges through the filter of our blessings.
~ Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
~ My mouth doesn't seem to have a backspace key.
~ My oven has a "Stop Time" button on it. It probably means "Stop Timer" but I don't touch it just in case.
~ No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
~ Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
~ Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
~ Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.
~ Practice doesn't make perfect. Practicing perfect makes perfect.
~ Q: When can a pregnant lady expect her baby to move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
~ Really??? Paper beats rock?! Next time someone says, "I'll throw a rock at you," just try to only hold up a piece of paper!
~ Remember Adam & Eve? It wasn't the apple in the tree but the pair on the ground that was the problem.
~ Salad is what you feed your food.
~ Save money by using a facial tissue twice - first to clean your glasses and then to blow your nose. Be sure to remember which one to do first.
~ Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall.
~ Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
~ Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
~ Sorry, Boss, I can't do that. My powers can only be used for good.
~ Statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy.
~ Stress is the glue that holds me together.
~ Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
~ The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandchild.
~ The batteries were given out free of charge.
~ The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
~ The number of red lights you continue to encounter will always be in direct correlation with how late you are already running.
~ "The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
~ There's a labor dispute at my office. The boss wants me to do some.
~ Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.
~ To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
~ To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
~ To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
~ Two jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you guys, but don't start anything."
~ We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
~ What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it? Next week!
~ What doesn't kill you will still definitely bum you out.
~ When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
~ Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:", I always put "A doctor."
~ Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
~ Why is it called "after dark" when it's really after light?
~ Wisdom is knowing reality and adjusting yourself to it.
~ Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.
~ Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's peace.
~ You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
~ You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
~ You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/06/11 08:26 AM

Mary Siegel was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said.

"I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/06/11 08:28 AM

Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.

"And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of
two."

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/08/11 12:05 AM

It was the day of the big sale.

Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
Posted By: Vibrissa

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/08/11 07:04 PM

lil- read that really long one of punny sayings up a few posts and all I could think of was I wanna add a few of DH's favorite sayings:

-I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
-If animals don't want to be eaten, why are they made out of meat?

....I don't know many jokes.....
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/09/11 05:29 AM

And yet your still funny grin

OK, an oldie, but a goodie and well worth repeating. Gentlemen, take note, my DH today for the very first time, after hearing this joke, UNDERSTOOD how the female mind works.

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a bloke named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is s i l e n c e in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.

She thinks to herself: gosh, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of?

And Roger is thinking: Gosh, Six months?

And Elaine is thinking: but, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... let me check the speedo... Whoa! I am way over due for an oil change here!

And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: and I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not changing gear right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 30 degrees C out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!

And Elaine is thinking: he's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. Gosh, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure...

And Roger is thinking: they'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're going to say, the scumbags!

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a Knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy...

And Roger is thinking: warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up...

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have... Oh Gosh, I feel so...'' (she breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs...

''I mean, I know there's no Knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no Knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger (glad to finally know the correct answer)!

''It's just that... It's that I... I need some time'', Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work:

''Yes'', he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home - and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of crisps, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing tennis one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/11/11 08:59 AM

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/11/11 09:01 AM

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother
ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his
shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed
the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started.

"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/11/11 09:03 AM

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read,

"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/15/11 02:23 AM

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/15/11 02:24 AM

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,

"Yours is."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/15/11 02:26 AM

YOUR DOG IS CALLING
By W. Bruce Cameron

Last year a South Korean company began offering a service that will enable dog owners to communicate with their pets via cell phones.

Feel free to read the above sentence as many times as you need to.

Using a cell-phone-to-internet connection, dogs will send their owners text messages like "I am sad" and "I'm borrowing the Cadillac." The owners can then respond with their own messages which, according to the story I read, will be translated into "dog sounds."

Your reaction to this story is probably the same as mine: Oh come on, you're saying, this is unbelievable--I thought America was first in text-to-bark software! Here we've been pouring our money into technology to enable our refrigerators to contact us via e-mail Hello, you're low on milk plus the lettuce is making faces at me againwhen other nations have wisely understood that if your dog can call you, he can check the milk!

As soon as this application is available in our country I am going to sign up, in order to continue what my children have started, which is the transfer of every dollar I own to the cell phone companies. I look forward to having conversations like this:

Dog: Dad?

Bruce: Why are you calling? I was in the middle of an important meeting.

Dog: There's a squirrel in the yard!

Bruce: So?

Dog: There's a squirrel in the yard!

Bruce: Okay, I get it; what do you want me to do about it?

Dog: I tried barking and smashing my face against the window and slobbering all over everything and tipping over a lamp and smearing my paws on the glass, but it's still there! There's a squirrel in the yard!

Bruce: You knocked over a lamp?

Dog: Plus somebody's been eating garbage again. The trash can is tipped over and there are pieces of chewed-up paper all over the place. I'm just warning you now so that you have time to calm down and not be angry when you get home.

Bruce: What do you mean, "somebody's been eating garbage again?" Who do you think might have done that?

Dog: Uh, the cat?

Bruce: The cat won't even eat cat food. I have to buy her salmon and tuna. The last thing she's going to do is root around in the garbage eating some stale donuts.

Dog: That's not true, there weren't any donuts! The only things worth eating were half a ham sandwich and some pizza crust.

Bruce: Then why did you chew the paper?

Dog: To see if there was anything edible on them.

Bruce: So you admit eating the garbage!

Dog: I meant, to see if there was anything edible on them as part of my investigation into the cat.

Bruce: That makes no sense. You're going to be in big trouble when I get home.

Dog: How about if I eat everything I spilled?

Bruce: No! Then you'll just get sick all over the carpet.

Dog: Which should be all the proof you need that this cat is a big mistake!

Bruce: What's a big mistake is this technology that enables me to run up my cell-phone bill talking to a dog.

Dog: Can you hold? I have another call coming in.

Bruce: What?

Dog: It's probably that malamute from next door. He's been calling all morning.

Bruce: What? Why?

Dog: Because there's a squirrel in our yard!

Bruce: You are not to use the phone to talk to other dogs. You are not to call me at work just because there is a squirrel in the yard. Your job is to guard the house while I'm away.

Dog: I'm bored. I barked at the mailman, but he left mail anyway. I took a nap, chewed a shoe, watched the fish, ate some snacks from the cat box, and now

Bruce: Hold it! You chewed a shoe?

Dog: UhWant to go for a walk?

Bruce: Don't change the subject! What did I tell you about chewing my shoes?

Dog: Uh, Dad? I'd like to talk about this, but I can't.

Bruce: Why not?

Dog: Because...because there's a squirrel in the yard!
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/16/11 11:05 AM

Love the 'chicken' jokes.... the dog convo was a hoot!!! laugh1

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/17/11 01:19 AM

I'm so awesome.....

I am the reason aliens come to visit earth.

When I was born I spanked the Dr.

I am Peyton Manning's entire fantasy football team.

I won't apply for a loan because my interest rate is too high.

Songbirds sing the music I write.

People often say "yes" to me without me even asking a question.

I'm the one that tells Waldo where to hide.

I can read Lady Gaga's poker-face.

When in court the judge calls me "Your Honour" and insists that I bang the gavel.

I can do the moonwalk...forward.

I once threw the first pitch at a major league baseball game and caught it too.

When I go scuba diving the shark's insist on being enclosed in underwater metal cages.

While I was having a polygraph done the machine broke down and admitted it lied.

The federal government has categorized my awesomeness as "too big to fail."

I am allowed to remove the labels from mattresses.

I can eat just 1 Lay's potato chip.

Stephen Hawking asks me to proof read his work.

I will give the eulogy at my own funeral.

My mother calls me "Sir".

I don't mispronounce words. I create new pronunciations.

Fish need a license to be caught by me.

I have never needed to use an eraser.

Sharks have a week dedicated to me.

My words carry so much weight they would break a less awesome persons' jaw.

I once stared at the sun and now the sun is blind.
Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/17/11 09:47 PM

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that Negro gentlemen are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait...

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you... I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/18/11 03:10 AM

ROFL
Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/18/11 05:49 AM

laugh1

I saw the punchline coming a mile away, and it was still hilarious!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/18/11 08:56 AM

An African-American preacher in Alabama during the Dust Bowl scheduled a special prayer service to pray for rain. The church was packed out with folks from far and wife.

The preacher stepped into the pulpit, scanned the assembled congregation, and told everyone, "Y'all can head on home. This service is over!"

The people protested, "But we've not prayed for rain!"

"Won't do a lick of good," the preacher replied. "Ain't none of you brought their umbrella!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/18/11 08:57 AM

An elderly man inquired of his wife about a recent, large expense.

"Well yes I bought this new hearing aid, dear." his wife replied.

"How much did it cost, dear?," he asked.

"Four thousand dollars," she said.

"Four thousand dollars! Why would you have to pay so much for a hearing aid?", he exclaimed.

"It's a wonderful hearing aid. Why I can hear everything around me. I can make out everything that people are saying around me even from the other side of the room."

"Really? What kind is it?"

"It's five-thirty," she said checking her watch. "Why?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/18/11 08:59 AM

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you this morning," the pastor says.

"Well, Rev'rund," the farmer replied, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."

today'sTHOT============================

I'm on a new diet. No, I haven't changed my eating habits, I just switched my shower body wash for Dawn dish soap. Its label reads, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Posted By: right here waiting

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/18/11 10:20 PM

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence...

'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , nomattah...all same !!!






Posted By: right here waiting

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/18/11 10:30 PM

OK. I thought this one might be too risque, but Vittoria assures me it isn't:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby and checked his weight.
Being a little concerned, he asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.'



Posted By: Vittoria

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/19/11 09:55 PM

I LOVE that joke! You know what they say if you can't take a joke ..... wink

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/20/11 11:28 PM



WARNING:

contains images of profanity and implied violence. Viewer discretion is advised.

Posted By: johnstwin

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/21/11 12:05 AM

Is it a bad thing that I laughed out loud??? laugh1

Too funny! thumbsup
Posted By: right here waiting

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/21/11 12:56 AM

Proves (again) the old adage that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
Posted By: right here waiting

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/21/11 01:23 AM

Osama Bin Laden was living with three wives in one compound and never left the house for five years.

It is now believed that Bin Laden called the Navy SEALs himself.

(Sorry, ladies.)
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/21/11 09:29 PM

nah, it was funny.

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.

He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/21/11 09:30 PM

today'sFUNNY=============================

"I don't want a new baby." Our oldest son Brian was pretty adamant when I told him his father and I were expecting a third child. We'd survived the first round of sibling rivalry when his younger brother, Damian, was born, so we were surprised that he was digging in his heels over a new baby.

We spent about and hour trying to convince him it was a positive thing. Three-year-old Brian made his stand about this new baby, and neither logic nor persuasion could budge him.

Puzzled, I finally confronted him with a straight-forward question, "Why don't you want a new baby?"

With wide and teary eyes, Brian looked straight at me and said, "Because I like Damian, and I want to keep him."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/21/11 09:31 PM

A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.

After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room again.

He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."

"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/23/11 07:27 PM

Need more jokes..... laugh
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/23/11 09:18 PM

Knock knock
Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/24/11 12:21 AM

Who's there?
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/24/11 01:44 AM

A man walked into a shoe store, and tried on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asked the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replied the man.

The assistant promptly bent down and had a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk said.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/24/11 01:45 AM

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like this: 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/24/11 01:45 AM

An elderly woman died last month.

Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,

"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/28/11 01:49 AM

From a friend:

Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:::
*****************************************************
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
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I had amnesia once---or twice
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I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance, to prove that money can't make me happy.
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
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My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken.

grin

Enjoy,
Orchid
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/31/11 08:59 PM

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,

"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,

"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/31/11 08:59 PM

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 07/31/11 09:03 PM

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/04/11 01:41 AM

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/04/11 01:41 AM

Morris, the loudmouth mechanic, was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked argumentatively, "So, Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I ALSO open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"

The surgeon leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/04/11 01:42 AM

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York City. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The tired blonde just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He hops on the Internet and searches Google and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,and goes back to sleep.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/07/11 01:09 PM

I know with all that has been going on, this has been one gloomy week.

Ok, so now can we please have a joke or 2? wink

Mahalo,
Orchid
Posted By: right here waiting

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/07/11 03:03 PM

Not the best joke, but all I got right now, Orchid.

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired Continental Airlines pilot from Houston."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here we go by results," says Saint Peter. "When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed."

Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/07/11 09:46 PM

:grn:

It is funny and sometimes true!!! eek

Gonna share it with some friends and relatives with a sense of humor....the go to work. Promised to get some important stuff done today, after I go check on my uncle who is in the hospital.

Thanks for sharing..... it made me smile. Really needed that! grin

Mahalo,
Orchid
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/08/11 02:16 AM

Brightness In Action

*I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn on.

*My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

*I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair, the whole thing looking like an extra from "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

*I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person, who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

*The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/08/11 02:17 AM

Late For Work

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and aware that all eyes were upon him said,

"I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. I nearly killed myself."

His boss replied skeptically, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/08/11 02:18 AM

IT'S SO HOT IN ARIZONA THAT...

...the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

...farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

...the cows are giving evaporated milk.

...you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

...the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

...you discover that it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

...you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

...you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

...hot water now comes out of both taps.

...it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

...you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/08/11 02:18 AM

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Posted By: Vittoria

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/11/11 11:59 AM

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says ....

"I love you so much I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks ...

"Is that the wine or you talking?"

She replies ....

"It's me ... talking to my wine."
Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/12/11 05:49 PM

Dogs in Elk

The following apparently appeared recently on one of the newsgroups, rec.pets. It sounds pretty believable to me--though it's so funny, I'm not sure that I care. It's pretty long, but it's worth it. ---------------------

Anne V - Okay - I know how to take meat away from a dog. How do I take a dog away from meat? This is not, unfortunately, a joke.

AmyC - Um, can you give us a few more specifics here?

Anne V - They're inside of it. They crawled inside, and now I have a giant incredibly heavy piece of carcass in my yard, with 2 dogs inside of it, and they are NOT getting bored of it and coming out. One of them is snoring. I have company arriving in three hours, and my current plan is to 1. put up a tent over said carcass and 2. hang thousands of fly strips inside it. This has been going on since about 6:40 this morning.

AmyC - Oh. My. God. What sort of carcass is big enough to hold a couple of dogs inside? Given the situation, I'm afraid you're not going to be create enough of a diversion to get the dogs out of the carrion, unless they like greeting company as much as they like rolling around in dead stuff. Which seems unlikely. Can you turn a hose on the festivities?

Ase Innes-Ker - I'm sorry Anne. I know this is a problem (and it would have driven me crazy), but it is also incredibly funny.

Anne V - Elk. Elk are very big this year, because of the rain and good grazing and so forth. They aren't rolling. They are alternately napping and eating. They each have a ribcage. Other dogs are working on them from the outside. It's all way too primal in my yard right now. We tried the hose trick. At someone elses house, which is where they climbed in and began to refuse to come out. Many hours ago. I think that the hose mostly helps keep them cool and dislodges little moist snacks for them. hose failed. My new hope is that if they all continue to eat at this rate, they will be finished before the houseguests arrive. The very urban houseguests. Oh, god - I know it's funny. It's appalling, and funny, and completely entirely representative of life with dogs.

Kristen R. - I'm so glad I read this thread, dogless as I am. Dogs in elk. Dogs in elk.

Anne V - It's like that childrens book out there - dogs in elk, dogs on elk, dogs around elk, dogs outside elk. And there is some elk inside of, as well as on, each dog at this point.

Elizabeth K - Anne, aren't you in Arizona or Nevada? There are elk there? I'm so confused! We definately need to see pics of Gus Pong and Jake in the elk carcass.

Anne V - I am in New Mexico, but there are elk in both arizona and nevada, yes. There are elk all over the da*n place. They don't look out very often. If you stand the ribcage on end they scramble to the top and look out, all red. Otherwise, you kinda have to get in there a little bit yourself to really see them. So I think there will not be pictures.

CoseyMo - "all red;" I'm not sure the deeper horror of all this was fully borne in upon me till I saw that little phrase.

Anne V - Well, you know, the Basenji (that would be Jake) is a desert dog, naturally, and infamous for it's aversion to water. And then, Gus Pong (who is coming to us, live, unamplified and with a terrific reverb which is making me a little dizzy) really doesn't mind water, but hates to be cold. Or soapy. And both of them can really run. Sprints of up to 35 mph have been clocked. So. If ever they come out, catching them and returning them to a condition where they can be considered house pets is not going to be, shall we say, pleasant.

CoseyMo - What if you stand the ribcage on end, wait for them to look out, grab them when they do and pull?

Anne V - They wedge their toes between the ribs. And scream. We tried that before we brought the elk home from the mountain with dogs inside. Jake nearly took my friends arm off. He's already short a toe, so he cherishes the 15 that remain.

Linda Hewitt - Have you thought about calling your friendly vet and paying him to come pick up the dogs, elk and letting the dogs stay at the vets overnight. If anyone would know what to do, it would be your vet. It might cost some money, but it would solve the immediate crisis. Keep us posted.

ChristiPeters - Yikes! My sympathy! When I lived in New Mexico, my best friend's dog (the escape artist) was continually bringing home road kill. When there was no road kill convenient, he would visit the neighbor's house. Said neighbor slaughtered his own beef. The dog found all kinds of impossibly gross toys in the neighbor's trash pit. I have always had medium to large dogs. The smallest dog I ever had was a mutt from the SPCA who matured out at just above knee high and about 55 pounds. Our current dog (daughter's choice) is a Pomeranian. A very small Pomeranian. She's 8 months old now and not quite 4 pounds. I'm afraid I'll break her.

Lori Shiraishi - Bet you could fit a whole lot of Pomeranians in that there elk carcass! Anne - my condolences on what must be an unbelievable situation!

Anne V - I did call my vet. He laughed until he was gagging and breathless. He says a lot of things, which can be summed as *what did you expect?* and *no, there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog.* He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home. Thanks, Lori. I am almost surrendered to the absurdity of it.

Lori Shiraishi - "He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home." So he can fall down laughing in person?

Anne V - Basically, yeah. That would be about it.

AmyC - No, there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog." Oh, sweet lo*d, Anne. You have my deepest sympathies in this, perhaps the most peculiar of the Gus Pong Adventures. You are truly a woman of superhuman patience. wait -- you carried the carcass down from the mountains with the dogs inside?

Anne V - The carcass down from the mountains with the dogs inside? no, well, sort of. My part in the whole thing was to get really stressed about a meeting that I had to go to, and say *yeah, ok, whatever* when it was suggested that the ribcages, since we couldn't get the dogs out of them and the dogs couldn't be left there, be brought to my house. Because, you know - I just thought they would get bored of it sooner or later. But it appears to be later, in the misty uncertain future, that they will get bored. Now, they are still interested. And very loud, one singing, one snoring.

Lori Shiraishi - And very loud, one singing, one snoring. wow. I can't even begin to imagine the acoustics involved with singing from the inside of an elk.

Anne V - reverb. lots and lots of reverb.

Anne V - 'll tell you the thing that is causing me to lose it again and again, and then I have to go back outside and stay there for a while. After the meeting, I said to my (extraordinary) boss, "look, I've gotta go home for the rest of the day, I think. Jake and Gus Pong are inside some elk ribcages, and my dad is coming tonight, so I've got to get them out somehow." And he said, pale and huge-eyed, "Annie, how did you explain the elk to the clients?" The poor, poor man thought I had the carcasses brought to work with me. For some reason, I find this deeply funny. (weekend pause)

Anne V - So what we did was put the ribcages (containing dogs) on tarps and drag them around to the side yard, where I figured they would at least be harder to see, and then opened my bedroom window so that the dogs could let me know when they were ready to be plunged into a de-elking solution and let in the house. Then I went to the airport. Came home, no visible elk, no visible dogs. Peeked around the shrubs, and there they were, still in the elk. By this time, they had gnawed out some little portholes between some of the ribs, and you got the occasional very frightening glimpse of something moving around in there if you watched long enough. After a lot of agonizing, I went to bed. I closed the back door, made sure my window was open, talked to the dogs out of it until I as sure they knew it was open, and then I fell asleep. Sometimes, sleep is a mistake, no matter how tired you are. And especially if you are very very tired, and some of your dogs are outside, inside some elks. Because when you are that tired, you sleep through bumping kind of noises, or you kind of think that it's just the house guests. It wasn't the house guests. It was my dogs, having an attack of teamwork unprecedented in our domestic history. When I finally woke all the way up, it was to a horrible vision. Somehow, 3 dogs with a combined weight of about 90 pounds, managed to hoist one of the ribcages (the meatier one, of course) up 3 feet to rest on top of the swamp cooler outside the window, and push out the screen. What woke me was Gus Pong, howling in frustration from inside the ribcage, very close to my head, combined with feverish little grunts from Jake, who was standing on the nightstand, bracing himself against the curtains with remarkably bloody little feet. Here are some things I have learned, this Rosh Hashanah weekend: 1. almond milk removes elk blood from curtains and pillowcases, 2. We can all exercise superhuman strength when it comes to getting elk carcasses out of our yard, 3. The sight of elk ribcages hurtling over the fence really frightens the nice deputy sheriff who lives across the street, and 4. the dogs can pop the screens out of the windows, without damaging them, from either side.

Anne V - What I am is really grateful that they didn't actually get the damn thing in the window, which is clearly the direction they were going in. And that the nice deputy didn't arrest me for terrifying her with elk parts before dawn.

AmyC - Imagine waking up with a gnawed elk carcass in your bed, like a real-life "Godfather" with an all-dog cast.

Anne V - There is not enough almond milk in the world to solve an event of that kind.


HERE ENDETH THE EPISTLE

Authentication:

The Validity of the Dogs in Elk Story

From http://xenia.media.mit.edu/~solan/dogsinelk/validity.htm

Since publishing the pumpkin version of the Dogs in Elk story, I've received dozens of e-mails from people curious about the story's validity. I've also received e-mail from Anne Verchick, owner of the "real" dogs in elk.

I've never seen the dogs myself, and I've as yet to see a picture of the actual event, but here are some snippets of what Annie had to say. She sent me this 10/28/99:

Hi, Rob - This is Anne Verchick, owner of the dogs in elk. The pumpkin carving is lovely, and, on a smaller, more vegetative scale, really pretty faithful to what was one of the messier experiences of my recent life.

Thanks, and take care. Annie

After a couple of e-mail volleys, I finally mustered up the nerve to ask Annie to attest to the validity of the story. She wrote back:

Rob,

Sure, I can attest. I mean, I can tell you that it really did happen. I can ask a couple of people who stopped by to admire the whole scene to get in touch with you, or give you their email addresses and phone numbers.

Does that help at all? I think that it's easy for me to lose track of how atypical my dog experiences are, in some ways, because like everyone else, what I compare the world to is my experience.

The thing about the dogs in elk thing is this - with the dogs I have, especially Gus Pong, who is a New Guinea Singing Dog, and a complete freak of primitive dogdom, dogs in elk is in some ways a fairly minor event, in that it involved fewer people than usual. Sharing a house with a very primitive, deeply attached and wildly inspired animal has led me into all sorts of situations I never anticipated as a pet owner.

How dogs in elk began is a little odd, without considerable history - ignore now, if you're not interested. Gus Pong is a New Guinea Singing Dog - currently, they are classified as a subspecies of Dingo, but what they look like is a cross between a German Shepherd and a Shiba Inu. And he is an incredibly fussy eater. In the highlands, they live as semi-pariah dogs in the villages, and their primary use is for hunting. So, after being unable to find a commercial dog food that he would eat at all, I contacted local game processors and butchers. I lucked out. I found a really nice guy who was willing to give me (since game can't be sold) trim and bones, which turned out to be something Gus Pong (and my other two dogs, Jake and Stella) thought was just fine. You can see, I am sure, where this is going. They had a rich texan come in, and shoot his tags, and not want the meat. So they did a really rough field dress, and called and asked if I wanted to come pick up about 100 lbs of slabcut elk and so forth. I said sure, and mistakenly put Jake and Gus in the car before driving up. Well, they got out of the car (One of slider windows was cracked, which I didn't realize) and you know the rest.

The original chain of posts begins here: http://tabletalk.salon.com/webx?14@@.ee90352/1317 which is in TableTalk, a forum at Salon, an ezine that added a webcrossing forum to it. That's why I am so astonished that it made it all over the web - and really all over. My mother has gotten multiple copies from friends, asking if my dogs are *really* that out of control.

Take care, and let me know if you'd like to speak to someone other than me who was there.

Annie

Dogs In Elk
Posted By: gr8 day 2b alive

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/12/11 07:00 PM

An elderly lady was just finishing up being examined by her gynecologist when the doctor asked her if she had intercourse. The lady thought to herself and said, "You know, I really am not sure. Let me go out to the waiting room and ask Harry, my husband." She got her clothes back on and proceeded to the waiting room where she said, "Harry, do we have intercourse?" Her husband then replied, "Geez, Thelma! How many times do I have to tell you? We have Blue Cross!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/14/11 08:37 AM

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/14/11 08:37 AM

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/14/11 08:38 AM

A lady walks into an ice cream shop and asks the man at the counter for some chocolate ice cream. the man says "sorry ma'am, we're fresh out". The women says "ok, than just give me some chocolate ice cream please".
The man replies " sorry ma'am, I just told u we're out". the woman than says "really? sigh...ok, than I'll just have some chocolate ice cream".
The man by this point just stares at her for a moment and finally replies "look lady, say 'van' as in vanilla..." the woman replies in a perky voice "ok, van!".
The man then says "ok, say 'straw' as in strawberry..." the lady once again replies cheerfully "straw!".
The man says "good, now say 'FREAK' as in chocolate..." the lady thinks for a moment and then remarks to the man "wait a minute, there's no 'freak' in chocolate!". To this the man replies "THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL U!!!!!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/14/11 08:39 AM

*with apology to the good lawyers on MA. Please don't sue me smile *

LAWSUIT PARTY ANIMAL
By W. Bruce Cameron

I'm a party in a lawsuit.

A person involved in a lawsuit is called a "party" with the same ironic misuse of language that a person who has been sitting in a doctor's waiting room for 2.5 hours is called a "patient." There's no
party that I can see, though I suppose it is true that everyone there has received a written invitation.

The fun starts with the deposition, a process by which the attorneys for the other side ask a series of mind-numbing questions in an effort to prove that your lawsuit is completely boring. Here's some of
the actual transcript from my deposition:

Opposing Counsel: Now, Mr. Cameron, before we get started, if at any time you feel like you need to use the bathroom, you should advise me, because if I know you are in physical distress I'll enjoy this
more.

Me: Okay.

Opposing Counsel: First question. You're supposedly some kind of humorist, so that must mean you had pretty bad parents, right?

My Attorney: Objection. You have not established that my client even had parents. For all we know, he came out of some kind of worm.

Opposing Counsel: I'll withdraw the question if you'll stipulate that your client is an idiot.

My Attorney: I think that's obvious, so yes, I'll stipulate.

Me: Uh, could I talk to my attorney for a minute?

Opposing Counsel: Sure, if you have something to hide. Otherwise, you'll just answer the question.

Me: What question?

Opposing Counsel: Let the record show that the witness is evasive and ugly.

My Attorney: Plus he has really poor taste in clothing.

Me: Hey!

My Attorney: I can't help it. I think your tie is unethical.

Opposing Counsel: Now Mr. Cameron, let me show you a photograph. Do you recognize the house in this picture?

Me: No.

Opposing Counsel: That's because it's mine. I plan to use the money from my billing on this deposition to make this month's mortgage payment, so I'll need to drag out the proceedings a bit today.

My Attorney: That's okay, I'm saving to buy a sailboat.

Opposing Counsel: So, Mr. Cameron, next question. Do you really believe that you'll recover enough from this lawsuit to even begin paying your attorney fees?

My Attorney: Objection; we've already established my client is an idiot.

Opposing Counsel: Look, if you keep objecting to everything I say we're both just going to make a lot more money, so I suggest you continue doing it.

My Attorney: Can I just say, I have never found you more attractive than I do at this moment.

Me: Yes, I do think I'll recover enough to more than pay my attorney fees.

Opposing Counsel: You are a humorist!

My Attorney: May I speak to my client? I'm getting a little nauseated, here. (To me, whispering.) Hey listen, while doing this I'm going to work on another case so I can double bill, is that okay?

Opposing Counsel: Ha! I can hear you!

Me: No! We're wasting time. Can't you get this thing moving? This is costing a lot of money!

My Attorney: Look, did you buy that tie at a garage sale or something? I mean, lordy.

Opposing Counsel: Lordy pordy pie!

Me: Can we just get on with this, please?

Opposing Counsel: I could hear you the whole time, you know.

Me: I know, that's fine, I don't care.

Opposing Counsel: Have you ever been afflicted with jaundice, boll weevils, a persistent itch in places you can't scratch, knife wounds from someone you don't know, or that gross stuff in the corner of
your eye in the morning?

Me: What does that have to do with anything?

My Attorney: Hang on, I'm the attorney here. Objection, with the exception of the boll weevils, what does this have to do with anything?

Opposing Counsel: We're having a blood drive at work and I wanted to see if he can donate.

Me: No to everything except the eye stuff.

Opposing Counsel: Eew!

My Attorney: That's really gross.

Opposing Counsel: Well, let's take a break here so we can continue billing while we drink coffee.

My Attorney: Good idea!

(Deposition ends)
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/14/11 08:39 AM

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.

When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained to her how everything worked - how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

today'sTHOT============================

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, but only when the interest is kept up.

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/14/11 08:39 AM

A man goes skydiving for the first time.

After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the plane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/14/11 08:40 AM

Rail-road tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. This is an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, there's a twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

Ancient horse's asses control almost everything...
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/14/11 08:41 AM

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy.

"You've already moved most of the earth."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/16/11 09:28 PM

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/16/11 09:29 PM

A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed to a recruiting mission. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Marine are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young Marine to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer is sitting there thinking: "I didn't think the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the Marine kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/16/11 09:30 PM

A religious farmer lost his Bible out in the field.

A few days later he went to answer a noise at his door. Standing there was a
cow, with his Bible in its mouth!

The farmer raised his eyes to heaven and thanked the Lord for this miracle.

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside."
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/17/11 06:18 AM





http://www.nbcdfw.com/news/local/Bizarre-Forklift-Chase-Slows-Traffic-127793723.html
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/18/11 03:19 AM

These signs might not communicate what was hoped for.

On a California freeway: Fine for Littering

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewellery store: Genuine Fauz Pearls

In a Kansas City oculist's office: Broken lenses duplicated here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot: Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only

Billboard on Florida highway: If You Can't Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On a Rapid City store: Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant: The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant: Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honouring Robert Frost: Frost Free Library
Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/20/11 10:22 PM

Scientific Study. This is alarming!


Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by regularly drinking beer, men may turn into women as the observation of behavioral changes proved.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men, showed these signs:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

This was alarming; no further testing was considered necessary
Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/21/11 01:05 AM

Hrrmmmppphhh.

Sounds like time for a "Why beer is better than men" post.
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/22/11 07:07 AM

I told my daughter I was horrified, you know because the word explains how upset it makes me. Of couse she shot back, 'mom you are horrified because "if something is glorified it is filled with glory...but if something is whoreified it is filled with whoredome"...she is a smartass, I cracked up.

tink
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/25/11 01:47 AM

WHY WOMEN LIKE CATS

- Cats don't criticize your mother.

- Cats never question how much you're eating.

- Cats understand the importance of beauty sleep.

- Cats are happy to let you drive.

- Cats always look good first thing in the morning.

- Cats don't complain when you get a short haircut.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/25/11 01:47 AM

Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/25/11 01:48 AM

A fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/25/11 01:49 AM

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish horse-drawn carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was this hand printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/25/11 01:49 AM

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Mini Cooper also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the Mini Cooper owner that his was the best car that money could buy.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photo chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."

At this point the Mini Cooper owner interrupted.

"But do you have a video in there?"

The light changed at this point, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.

A few days passed by, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the Mini Cooper again. It was pulled over to a side, with the glasses all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the Mini Cooper. After a few moments, the Mini Cooper owner poked his head out (which was dripping with water, by the way!).

"I installed a VCR in my limo", said the businessman proudly.

The Mini Cooper-man responded:

"You got me out of the shower for THAT?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/25/11 01:52 AM

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/25/11 01:52 AM

THE GOLDBERG BROTHERS - THE INVENTORS OF THE AUTOMOBILE AIR CONDITIONER

The four Goldberg brothers - Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max - invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label - The Goldberg Air-Conditioner - on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was proud of the Ford name, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/31/11 10:32 AM

Got this from a friend....... Enjoy! grin

I've seen this before, but it's still funny, and appropriate, especially for we who have been around a bit longer! Have a great day!

Girlie Wisdom!


1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but she doesn't really care..

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes .

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends..

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my panties.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet, for a while, and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!


SEND THIS TO 5 EXTREMELY BRIGHT WOMEN YOU KNOW AND MAKE THEIR DAY!!! LIVE SIMPLY.........LAUGH OFTEN....LOVE DEEPLY

Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/31/11 10:35 AM

Got this from Groupon:

$24 for $50 Worth of Women's Shoes from Chinese Laundry

Ok, so what am I missing here??!?! crazy
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 08/31/11 12:26 PM

Last week our Minister of Music told this joke in choir....I think that is the main reason I found it funny.....

Two very old women sat down next to each other at a NY pub. The bartender took their orders, and they each ordered the same drink. woman A looked at woman B and said, "Wow, we just ordered the same drink. Imagine that."

They had a couple, then woman B turned to woman A and said, "I'm from Ireland. Where are you from?"

Woman A said, "I'm Irish too!" They ordered a couple more to celebrate. Then woman A asked, "Where did you grow up?"

Woman B told her, and woman A proclaimed, "I grew up on that very same street!"

After a couple more drinks, woman B remarked, "Wow, of all the bars in NY, we both chose this one...."

Meanwhile, the bartender was at the other end of the bar. He shook his head and said to a patron, "It's going to be a long night."

"Why?" asked the patron

He answered, motioning toward the two old ladies, "The McCreary twins are back again...."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/08/11 09:13 AM

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/08/11 09:16 AM

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store management:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

February 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

February 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

April 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

April 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd let them get in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" Paramedics were called.

June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

July 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

July 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

And last, but not least:

August 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of our clerks passed out.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/08/11 09:16 AM

A four year old was at the paediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/08/11 09:17 AM

A woman in a supermarket has been walking behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved, 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'M William ... the little brat's name is Kevin.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/08/11 09:18 AM

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.

They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."
Posted By: soolee

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/14/11 02:00 PM

I'm going to toss this up on the board here. I don't have time to go through the whole thread, so if it's a repeat, sorry, sorry...

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/16/11 07:16 AM

Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/16/11 07:19 AM

A person on a tiny island told me about this.

Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/20/11 05:09 PM

The Counselor

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others' throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/20/11 05:14 PM

The 12 Inch BIC

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The English guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The American rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The Englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".
Posted By: Telly

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/20/11 05:55 PM

These jokes are all VERY funny!!!

ROFL
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/27/11 08:40 PM

Dear Wife,
Im writing you this letter to tell you that Im leaving you forever. Ive been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didnt even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You dont tell me you love me anymore; you dont want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either youre cheating on me or you dont love me anymore; whatever the case, Im gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. dont try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. Its true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what youve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesnt work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was You look just like a girl! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you cant say something nice, I didnt comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you wont get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I dont know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope thats not a problem
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/27/11 08:42 PM


Freezer Order

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie."

If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food."

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/27/11 08:42 PM

A HYPOCHONDRIAC'S COMPENDIUM
By W. Bruce Cameron

Because I'm technically over 40, it's been a bad year for me health-wise. I've had a host of ailments, including appendicitis attack, spleen disruptions, and liver migrations, all made worse by the fact that my doctor doesn't agree that I've had any of them. Instead, he says I have mild hypochondria, which is sillyI have *major* hypochondria!

A hypochondriac is a person who gets a disease by hearing about it. So when, for example, I heard about a rare disease called Cornu Cutaneum, in which a four-inch horn grows out of the center of one's forehead, I knew for certain I had it. Panicked because I didn't think I could make a living as a rhinoceros, I phoned my doctor and told him I had all the symptoms of the illness.

"You have a four-inch horn growing from your head?" he demanded.

"All the symptoms except that one," I amended.

"Like?"

"Like, I'm starting to find elephant skin very attractive, and I have an increasing urge to head-butt a Land Rover."

"All right," my doctor said after a lengthy pause, "put sun block on the affected area."

"And that will cure it?"

"Can't hurt," the doctor said hippocratically.

I've also got the Ebola virus, where one's body basically just falls apart, something that has been happening to me since I turned 30. There's no known cure, though my doctor has prescribed diet and exercise, which he says can't hurt. I disagree; exercise does hurt, and probably makes my Ebola worse to boot.

Possibly the worst affliction I've had so far this year is Alien-Hand Syndrome, where my right hand, strictly on its own, tries to kill me via strangulation or donuts. I've watched, mesmerized, as my hand spookily reaches into a box and pulls out a chocolate-covered custard-filled bismark, which you know has to be even worse for you than a donut because they taste even better. You'll recall that Dr. Strangelove, played by Peter Sellers, had Alien-Hand Syndrome, and that the movie ended with total nuclear annihilation, though my doctor isn't sure that's going to happen in my case.

"Your hand has tried to strangle you? Honestly?" he asks skeptically after the nurse puts me through in the name of preventing the destruction of the planet.

"I think it has tried to strangle me DIShonestly," I correct. "It pretends to be just lying there. I think it's waiting for me to fall asleep."

"How do you know you've got this rare syndrome?"

"Because," I say triumphantly, "the rest of me has Akinetic Mutism!"

Sufferers of Akinetic Mutism are awake and conscious, but lie around unmoving and unresponsive, like a man watching golf on television. My problem was that except for my Alien Hand reaching for a donut and occasional trips to the mirror to make sure the sun block was keeping the rhino horn at bay, I'd pretty much done nothing but nap all weekend, even though I had lots of work to do.

"If you had Akinetic Mutism, you wouldn't be able to make this phone callthat's where the mutism part comes from," my doctor tells me.

"So I have *talking* mutism?"

"Tell you what. When you suffer from this condition, are you by any chance holding the TV remote?"

"No," I answer defensively. "My Alien Hand is holding the remote. I have no control."

"Try unplugging the television."

"Thatseems kind of radical," I reply faintly.

"Can't hurt."

I'm not so surewhat would my Alien Hand do to me if I rendered the remote useless?

"You seem to be catching a lot of strange diseases, lately. Have you been reading about rare disorders, or something?"

"No, not at all! Well, there is this one book."

"What's it called?"

"Rare Disorders."

"Ah. I'd like you to send it to me," my doctor requested.

"So you can provide better treatment?"

"Sending it to me is the treatment. I think getting it out of your Alien Hands would be good for you, you seem to catch whatever you read about."

That's when he explained that I had hypochondria, which I found in the book right next to hyponatremia, whose symptoms include fatigue, listlessness, and apathy.

I decide I'll send him the book laterright now I just don't feel like doing it.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/27/11 08:43 PM


Curve Hand

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started slowly; the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started to pray begging for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other,

"Look John, that's the dummy who got in the car when we were pushing it."
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 09/28/11 06:30 AM

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/03/11 07:11 AM


Hearing Aid

While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/03/11 07:14 AM


Lumberjack

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/04/11 08:55 PM


Murphy's Laws for Parents

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses -- will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/04/11 08:56 PM

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/04/11 08:57 PM

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HOSPITAL IS MAKING COST-SAVINGS CUTS
By Dave Tippett

10. They encourage your Facebook friends to 'like' one of your surgery options

9. Rescue helicopter also does traffic reports for local radio station

8. Paper or plastic colostomy bags

7. Discount drug bins on every floor

6. Etch-a-Sketch X-Rays

5. Guy from Office Depot now stapling up surgery patients

4. Pull start heart-lung machines

3. Shaking bag of chicken bones at wound now considered a 2nd opinion

2. Nurse pull cord replaced with friend request on their Facebook page

1. Coin-Operated I.V.s
Posted By: Telly

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/06/11 01:01 AM

lil, you are hilarious.

Also, please change your dancing lady (can't remember what those things are called).
I'm jealous of her, and I can't stop watching the dance. M.e.s.m.e.r.i.z.i.n.g.


wink
Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/06/11 04:53 AM

No, she's motivating me to try to lose weight! smile

Oh, to be young again... *sniff*
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/06/11 07:32 AM

I am trying to use her to motivate myself to move like that. Beetle baby LOVES dancing!

Jayne, I am getting ever closer to that next decade... having said that

Growing old is compulsory. Growing up is optional.


Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/06/11 07:35 AM

THE HANDYMAN'S GUIDE

~ Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

~ Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

~ Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

~ If something looks level, it is level.

~ If what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/06/11 07:35 AM


Who Am I?

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/12/11 09:17 AM

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/12/11 09:18 AM


Vice President Pride

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/12/11 09:18 AM

There's two muffins in the oven.

One says, "Man! I'm burning up in here!"

The other one says "Hey look! A talking muffin!!!"

today'sTHOT============================

Did you hear about the red corpuscle and the white corpuscle? They loved in vein.

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/12/11 09:19 AM


Impressive Dinner

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/12/11 09:20 AM

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

today'sTHOT============================

Driving home tonight I accidentally hit a turkey. It flew off my car and landed on the car behind me, which happened to be a police car. He pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/14/11 06:43 AM


Doll Play

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course.

The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice.

As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/14/11 06:44 AM

In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er, right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?"

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/14/11 06:46 AM

A HYPOCHONDRIAC'S COMPENDIUM
By W. Bruce Cameron

Because I'm technically over 40, it's been a bad year for me health-wise. I've had a host of ailments, including appendicitis attack, spleen disruptions, and liver migrations, all made worse by the fact that my doctor doesn't agree that I've had any of them. Instead, he says I have mild hypochondria, which is sillyI have *major* hypochondria!

A hypochondriac is a person who gets a disease by hearing about it. So when, for example, I heard about a rare disease called Cornu Cutaneum, in which a four-inch horn grows out of the center of one's forehead, I knew for certain I had it. Panicked because I didn't think I could make a living as a rhinoceros, I phoned my doctor and told him I had all the symptoms of the illness.

"You have a four-inch horn growing from your head?" he demanded.

"All the symptoms except that one," I amended.

"Like?"

"Like, I'm starting to find elephant skin very attractive, and I have an increasing urge to head-butt a Land Rover."

"All right," my doctor said after a lengthy pause, "put sun block on the affected area."

"And that will cure it?"

"Can't hurt," the doctor said hippocratically.

I've also got the Ebola virus, where one's body basically just falls apart, something that has been happening to me since I turned 30. There's no known cure, though my doctor has prescribed diet and exercise, which he says can't hurt. I disagree; exercise does hurt, and probably makes my Ebola worse to boot.

Possibly the worst affliction I've had so far this year is Alien-Hand Syndrome, where my right hand, strictly on its own, tries to kill me via strangulation or donuts. I've watched, mesmerized, as my hand spookily reaches into a box and pulls out a chocolate-covered custard-filled bismark, which you know has to be even worse for you than a donut because they taste even better. You'll recall that Dr. Strangelove, played by Peter Sellers, had Alien-Hand Syndrome, and that the movie ended with total nuclear annihilation, though my doctor isn't sure that's going to happen in my case.

"Your hand has tried to strangle you? Honestly?" he asks skeptically after the nurse puts me through in the name of preventing the destruction of the planet.

"I think it has tried to strangle me DIShonestly," I correct. "It pretends to be just lying there. I think it's waiting for me to fall asleep."

"How do you know you've got this rare syndrome?"

"Because," I say triumphantly, "the rest of me has Akinetic Mutism!"

Sufferers of Akinetic Mutism are awake and conscious, but lie around unmoving and unresponsive, like a man watching golf on television. My problem was that except for my Alien Hand reaching for a donut and occasional trips to the mirror to make sure the sun block was keeping the rhino horn at bay, I'd pretty much done nothing but nap all weekend, even though I had lots of work to do.

"If you had Akinetic Mutism, you wouldn't be able to make this phone callthat's where the mutism part comes from," my doctor tells me.

"So I have *talking* mutism?"

"Tell you what. When you suffer from this condition, are you by any chance holding the TV remote?"

"No," I answer defensively. "My Alien Hand is holding the remote. I have no control."

"Try unplugging the television."

"Thatseems kind of radical," I reply faintly.

"Can't hurt."

I'm not so surewhat would my Alien Hand do to me if I rendered the remote useless?

"You seem to be catching a lot of strange diseases, lately. Have you been reading about rare disorders, or something?"

"No, not at all! Well, there is this one book."

"What's it called?"

"Rare Disorders."

"Ah. I'd like you to send it to me," my doctor requested.

"So you can provide better treatment?"

"Sending it to me is the treatment. I think getting it out of your Alien Hands would be good for you, you seem to catch whatever you read about."

That's when he explained that I had hypochondria, which I found in the book right next to hyponatremia, whose symptoms include fatigue, listlessness, and apathy.

I decide I'll send him the book laterright now I just don't feel like doing it.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/14/11 06:47 AM

A college professor met his new class on the first day of school. He stood before them and gave a nice introduction to the class and about himself.

Upon completion of his monologue he looked around the room and asked his students "If any of you think you are stupid, stand up." As he looked around he saw that all of his students did not stand.

He proceeded to ask the same question again, "If anyone thinks they are stupid to please stand up."

The college professor looked around and to his surprise one tall student in the back of the room stood up. The professor asked, "Do you think you are stupid?"

The first year student replied, "No, I just didn't want you to feel alone."
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/14/11 08:13 PM

From Garrison Keeler:

2 penguins chatting:

1st penguin says 2 2nd penguin: "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."

2nd penguin: "What makes you think I'm not?"

-ol' 2long
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/14/11 08:31 PM

Jack and Jill work at the same assembly plant.

The foreman, James, is faced with a dilemma: The company is downsizing and he needs 2 let several of his employees go. As part of the downsizing process, the company is establishing a rule against multiple family members working for the company, so James knows that either Jack or Jill will be on the list of people who must be laid off. His problem is that Jack and Jill do very similar jobs and get paid exactly the same wage.

"So" he says 2 himself, "I'm going 2 have 2 select which one 2 let go on a completely arbitrary, unbiased basis."

"I know what I'll do. They both go 2 the coffee machine for the morning break, but some days Jack is first and other days Jill is first 2 the machine. I'll see who it is this morning, and call that person in2 my office and explain the si2ation 2 them and my decision 2 not play favorites by how I made my decision. That way they'll understand I was fair about it."

Proud of his plan, he waits for the bell 2 ring for the morning break.

...bell rings, and people start leaving their stations and heading 2ward their favorite breaktime destinations.

Jill arrives at the coffee machine first, so James calls 2 her from his open office door: "Jill, after you get your coffee, could I see you for a moment?"

Jill: "Sure!" She gets her cup of coffee, adds cream and sugar and heads 2ward James' office.

Jill: "What's up, James?"

James: "I've got a problem, breaks are short, so I might as well get 2 the point. I've got 2 either lay you or Jack off."

Jill: "Sorry James, I'm a happily married woman. You're just going 2 have 2 jack off!"

-ol' 2long
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/18/11 06:09 AM

Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/18/11 06:18 AM

ROFL!!!

I was thinking, "This isn't funny, this is a nightmare..." till the end! grin
Posted By: Coach

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/20/11 08:16 PM

Saw this and knew I had to share it here:

Quote:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/20/11 08:34 PM

BAHAHAHA!

Wait......
Posted By: Chani

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/20/11 10:09 PM

Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! '

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/25/11 08:49 PM

Q. Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars or a man with six
children?

A. The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/25/11 08:50 PM


Do Something Nice

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/25/11 08:50 PM


Puppy Love

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being -- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement.

Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/25/11 08:52 PM


Kid Quotes

"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/25/11 08:53 PM

RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS

~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

~ When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

~ Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of

~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

~ Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

~ There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/26/11 02:28 AM

lol!!!

One of my dearest friends was a pilot; he told me many of those things.

Re. the letter from Grandmother: I don't understand what "sunny beach" means.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/26/11 10:18 AM

Got this from a friend:



10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.

Now they have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

eek cry shocked


laugh1





Posted By: Chani

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/26/11 08:45 PM

Originally Posted By: Jayne241
lol!!!

Re. the letter from Grandmother: I don't understand what "sunny beach" means.


I think that phrase is a reference to "son of a [Bleep!]." I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say that last word. We'll see when I hit Submit.

Yup, I can't type that word. It's the B-word that rhymes with "witch".
Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/26/11 11:04 PM

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought I could guess what "beach" meant, but the "sunny" really threw me for a loop.

THANK YOU CHANI!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/27/11 08:26 PM

Oh. I read the sunny as being 'funny'. Still a good joke either way.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/27/11 08:27 PM

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband.

"Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/27/11 08:28 PM


Crate of Chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed.

"You left with seven."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 10/27/11 08:29 PM

So a gentleman walks into a restaurant and asks the maitre d', "Can you please tell me how you prepare your chicken?"

To which the maitre d' replies, "Yes. We let them know right up front they're not going to make it."

today'sTHOT============================

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

=======================================
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/01/11 07:18 AM

Posted By: Fiddler

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/09/11 06:30 PM

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

The Trooper said, "Have a nice day."
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/09/11 06:49 PM

HA!!
Posted By: Chani

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/09/11 07:06 PM

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 - 16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Cooter,
I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the Pit Bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer dun it, but it's hard to tell from all the blood.

P.S. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 12:48 AM

......need more jokes. grin
Posted By: kimmie lee

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 01:49 AM

Knock-knock....
Posted By: Meggin1

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 02:35 AM

Who be there?
Posted By: kimmie lee

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 03:44 AM

Delores!
Posted By: Meggin1

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 03:54 AM

Delores who?
Posted By: kimmie lee

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 04:01 AM

Delores my shepherd..... highfive
Posted By: Meggin1

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 04:15 AM

Hahahahahahaha!

Knock! Knock!
Posted By: kimmie lee

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 04:17 AM

Who's there??
Posted By: Meggin1

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 04:44 AM

Amaryllis.
Posted By: kimmie lee

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 04:46 AM

Amaryllis who?
Posted By: Meggin1

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 04:47 AM

Amaryllis tate agent. Want to buy a house?
Posted By: kimmie lee

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 05:30 AM

No, but a nice condo, maybe. smile
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 07:29 PM

I am now in pain.
Posted By: Chani

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 07:39 PM

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/14/11 07:48 PM

hahahahahaha....being blond, I will so have to try that!
Posted By: kimmie lee

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/17/11 04:10 PM

Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/17/11 04:11 PM

Shatner is da bomb
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/21/11 06:55 AM


911 Sees All

Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.

One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.

After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?"

"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/21/11 06:57 AM


Vet Cure

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.

Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/21/11 06:57 AM

HOW YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO BUY A NEW CAR

~ Your VIN is 0000000000000001.

~ You can no longer convince your girlfriend that view of the road through that hole in the floorboard will become a popular extra on new cars.

~ Your engine smokes so much the local health department recently tried to recruit you to help with mosquito abatement this summer.

~ When you go to the car wash more paint than dirt comes off.

~ Your tax adviser has suggested you could save money by purchasing your own tow truck.

~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

~ Your mechanic keeps asking, "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"

~ While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning traffic jams.

~ It hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.

~ Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.

~ Your gas gauge measures in cubits.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/21/11 06:58 AM


Out of the Loop

Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing.

"Oh, quite well. We expect he'll be released in the morning."

"Very good, thank you."

"May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?" inquired the nurse.

"This IS Mr. Norton. The doctors don't tell me anything!"
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/22/11 07:02 PM

I was chatting with someone today and they said something would be baaaaaaad. So this came to my mind and I thought I would share it.

Why did the lamb behave baaaadly?

..

..

..

..

..

He wanted some SHEEP THRILLS!

I kill myself
Posted By: gr8 day 2b alive

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/22/11 07:26 PM

I don't get it. scratch
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/22/11 07:33 PM

Are you trying to get my goat???

bahahahahaha

Just pulling the wool over your eyes....
Posted By: Chani

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/24/11 12:29 AM

Subject: Budget Cuts

See below for New Rules for Budget Cuts effective immediately.


NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/24/11 09:19 PM

2 funny......

Ok, well I guess I have to eat spam musubi's for lunch. 5 minutes. LOL!!!! grin

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/11 07:26 AM


Bigger and Bigger

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/11 07:26 AM

Blessed Be The Tie

A guy walking in the desert desperately needed a drink. As he followed the dunes, he came upon another man riding a camel. He asked the man if he had something to drink.

The man on the camel said "No, but if you like, I have a nice selection of ties. Would you like to buy one?"

"No!" The first man replied. "Are you crazy? I need something to drink, not a tie!"

So the man on the camel rode on, and the walking man continued his slow and very thirsty trek for several days. Finally he came upon a cantina.

He gratefully approached the doorman at the cantina and said, "I'm so glad I made it! Can I get in and get some water?"

The doorman frowned at him. "Not without a tie."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/11 07:27 AM

EVERYDAY THANKSGIVING

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings, thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible, thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising, thank you Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned, and tempers are short, my children are so loud, thank you, Lord,
for my family. There are many who are alone.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced, thank you, Lord, for the food we have.
There are so many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job is often monotonous, thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest, thank you, Lord, for life.

today'sTHOT============================

Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell your storm how big your God is.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/11 07:27 AM

THANKSGIVING WEATHER

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

today'sTHOT============================

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/11 07:28 AM


Reward Change

A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and returned it to her.

Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy replied, "That IS funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/25/11 07:28 AM

SIGNS YOU OVERDID IT THIS THANKSGIVING

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.

~ You get grass stains on your behind after a walk, but never sat down.

~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

~ You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

~ That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

~ You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty.

~ It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas.

~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/29/11 01:22 AM

This is not a joke but it is pretty funny, wild woman driver and in the song where she is singing she just lost her husband the little car just going along, it cracks me up



Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/29/11 01:33 AM

These are out of the readers digest but in case you don't have....

"A job interview is a place to impress future bosses. These responses to questions posed by hiring managers left the wrong sort of impression:

..Why shoud we hire you?
''I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time''

..Why are you leaving your current job?
''I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes''

..Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it. ''I stole equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement''

..Have you submitted your two weeks notice to your current employer?
''What is two weeks notice? I've never quit a job. I've always been fired''
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 11/30/11 11:55 PM

Posted By: Chani

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/01/11 01:27 AM

Dear God,

My prayer for 2012 is for
A fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!


Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/01/11 11:37 PM

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.
My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said "Take a sweater"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/02/11 12:28 AM


Servicemen Foot Race

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/02/11 12:29 AM


Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/02/11 12:29 AM


Sewing Machine Ad

The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/02/11 12:30 AM

Little Dewey was one of those holy terrors.

His dad was surprised when Dewey's mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior?" he said.

"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."
Posted By: kimmie lee

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/02/11 01:08 AM

Originally Posted By: lildoggie

Bigger and Bigger

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?


Lol!!

There is an old joke about two women who sleep with the same guy with very different results.

Comparing notes after the first girl sleeps with the new guy in town, she says to her friend, "Ewww!!! Don't bother, he has a tiny little penis; and what is worse, he even has the word, "Tiny" tattooed on it!"

Undeterred, her friend goes and sleeps with the guy, appearing some time later, clothes all disheveled, hair all messed up, but with a big grin on her face.

"What are you smiling at? Didn't you notice that silly little tattoo on his tiny penis??"

Her friend answers, "Why, yes, I did.....it read "Tiny's Bar and Grill, Albuquerque, New Mexico...."
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/05/11 05:59 PM

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/05/11 06:01 PM

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/05/11 06:01 PM

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there an ything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/05/11 06:02 PM

A cop tries to pull over a guy for speeding who tries to outrun him. Finally the guy gives up and pulls over. The now PO'd cop walks up and yells at the guy, "What's the big idea?" The guy responds, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid he was trying to give her back!" "Off you go," said the officer.
Posted By: idontunderstand

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/05/11 10:03 PM

Before I found out my W was having an affair, the only way she would have sex with me was doggie style...

I stood up and begged and she rolled over and played dead.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/06/11 07:42 AM

oH ha ha ha

one of my work mates told me that the other day. WASNT funny then
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/06/11 07:44 AM

George W. Bush saw Moses at the grocery store and said, "Hey, aren't you Moses?"

Moses said nothing just kept on shopping.

A few aisles over W ran into Moses again, and said "Hey, aren't you Moses?"

Again Moses said nothing.

A few aisles over again George saw Moses and said, "I just KNOW you're Moses!"

This time Moses replied, "Hey, the last time I talked to a Bush, I ended up in the wilderness for 40 years!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/06/11 07:45 AM


Tough Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/06/11 07:45 AM

Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back."

He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/07/11 08:16 PM

Elder Banking.



Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.



Dear Sir:



I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, andalso for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, facelessentity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/herfinancial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.



When you call me, press buttons as follows:



IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH



#1. To make an appointment to see me



#2. To query a missing payment.



#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there..



#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.



#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.



#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.



#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is

required.



Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.



#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.



#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.



The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated

answering service.



#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.



While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.



May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?



Your Humble Client



Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/07/11 08:20 PM


Chocolate Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds; now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
"In the morning I'll starve...
'til I take that first bite!"
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/08/11 10:08 AM

Originally Posted By: lildoggie
Elder Banking.



Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.



Dear Sir:



I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, andalso for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, facelessentity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/herfinancial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.



When you call me, press buttons as follows:



IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH



#1. To make an appointment to see me



#2. To query a missing payment.



#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there..



#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.



#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.



#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.



#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is

required.



Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.



#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.



#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.



The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated

answering service.



#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.



While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.



May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?



Your Humble Client



Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.



....... Priceless!!!........ laugh1 laugh1
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/08/11 05:55 PM

Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull
up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over,
"So... out looking for a little, huh?"
She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with
you. Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"


A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating
how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies
a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a
magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her
troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he
will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he
does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times
the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but
she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars.
The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of
one billion one-dollar bills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient
of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when
she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful
mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it
was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband
now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach
to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her
last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the
woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish.
But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her
ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my
last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins."
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/08/11 05:56 PM

divorce letter exchanged - priceless
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years
and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks
have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had
quit your job today and that was the last straw.


Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had
gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate
in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your soaps.


You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex
anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or youdon't

love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.


Your EX-Husband


P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I
watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.


I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!"
but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't
say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because

I stopped eating pork seven years ago.


I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers
on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that
it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning ... And your silk boxers were
$49.99.


After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto
for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone.


Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that with the letter that you wrote, you won't
get a dime from me. So take care.


Signed
Rich As H_e_l_l and Free!


PS. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my
sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.


Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/12/11 03:44 PM

Did you hear about the dynamic new movement among professors of geometry? A large group of them have gathered on Wall Street with graph paper and protractors....

It's called OccuPI!

(I made that up on the way to school this morning and my children told me it was actually not completely lame, so I thought I would share)
Posted By: 2long

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/12/11 06:45 PM

Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/12/11 07:12 PM

^^^^ ROFL

I love this thread...
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/12/11 11:20 PM

Some lines to tell your XH or stbxh after your first date!

All About little "ones"

30 'Little' Lines
Girls, ever have to utter one of these lines?
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahhhh, it s cute.
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It ' s OK, we'll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no... a flash headache.
(giggle and point)
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
Only if you get me real drunk first.
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So, this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
I guess this makes me the early bird.
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/12/11 11:22 PM


I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
''


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/12/11 11:23 PM

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice".
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 04:52 AM

Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 04:53 AM

Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 04:56 AM

Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 05:01 AM

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 06:56 AM

Rick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.

Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.

Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons,"

"The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths."

Then it hit me.

I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 06:56 AM

Tom went out shopping for a Christmas present for his wife.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 06:57 AM


Chocolate Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds; now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
"In the morning I'll starve...
'til I take that first bite!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 06:57 AM

SOME FACTS ABOUT SANTA CLAUS

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total--leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000!

times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 25-30 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine--we need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead.

today'sTHOT============================

No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 06:58 AM


Christmas At Martha's

Dear Friend

This perfectly delightful note is being sent in paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peach and mauve's. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any neighborhood Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long. I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Your Friend, Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked and crushed last week just for fun.
Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 07:47 AM

^^^- This make me feel tired... and guilty, thinking of all those Christmas cards I've bought but not sent, and all the projects I started but not completed.
Posted By: Looking4

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 05:52 PM

A curse word is in the header of the YouTube video and I can't remove it (don't want to violate TOS), so I'll just link to it instead.

It's 1:19.

Shinola Girls Say - Episode 1
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/13/11 07:57 PM

Moving Out from the Ex
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay..

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be! willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/14/11 03:37 AM

Originally Posted By: 20yrshurt&r
Moving Out from the Ex
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay..

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be! willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.



Shrimp, caviar, Chardonnay: $75.00
Steam cleaner (rented): $32.50
Exterminator: $150.00 + $200.00 (hazard pay)
New wool carpets: $5000.00

Sell @ 90% loss

Watch them move out with the curtain rods.......... priceless. grin

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/15/11 09:04 PM

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ass hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ass hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ass hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'ass hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ass hole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ass hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don,you're an ass hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ass holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called [Bleep!] #1. He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an ass hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Ass hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ass hole," and hung up.

Then I called Ass hole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, ass hole"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, ass hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two ass holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/15/11 09:09 PM


'Twas the Night Before Finals

T'was the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the sports field,
There were some throwing,
In hope that some exercise
Would get their brains going.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
Dreading all those exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went a'blur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd pretty much concluded
Life is unfair and cruel,
Since our futures all depend
On grades made in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:

"Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Toss out to us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers won't flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/15/11 09:09 PM

SIGNS OF CHRISTMAS

~ Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

~ Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

~ Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

~ At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

~ A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

~ In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything...a calendar to remind him when payments are due."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/15/11 09:10 PM




Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along!
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter; I say "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/15/11 09:10 PM

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE! AND AN XBOX 360! AND I PRAY FOR THE NEW IRON MAN COMIC BOOK!"

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

today'sTHOT============================

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/15/11 09:11 PM


I Know About Santa

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"

He replied, "They're all nocturnal."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/15/11 09:12 PM

THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS

Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving Emily

Dec 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always, Emily

Dec 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted Emily

Dec 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly--they make telephoning almost impossible--but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily

Dec 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you, Emily

Dec 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily

Dec 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily

Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily

Jan 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily

Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily

Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Greep
Attorney at law
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/15/11 09:13 PM


Sweat Her Choice

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said,

"What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/15/11 09:28 PM

TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. "I really don't deserve this."
Posted By: Chani

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/18/11 07:41 PM

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,

"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."..
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/23/11 12:41 AM

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the C.A.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be pass;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even YOU.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/23/11 12:43 AM


Tie Conspiracy

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/23/11 12:45 AM

HOLIDAY HINTS TO CHUCK OUT
By Saralee Perel

Must we be barraged every holiday season by those annually-irritating experts who suggest we deny ourselves everything from one lousy cookie to a single piece of pie?

I'll paraphrase advice I've read and then add my opinion.

1. Fill up on carrots before going to a party. Bring some with you, too.

That's a great idea. When your host has painstakingly labored to make a billion canapes, she'll be thrilled when everyone grabs big fat carrots from their pockets or purses and gnaws on those instead.

2. Guzzle 2 gallons of water before the party, then only drink water while you're there.

Why don't we just lug the host's garden hose into the festive party room, turn it on and suck on it every time we're offered a cocktail wiener?

3. Belts should be tightened 4 notches tighter than normal.

We want to feel miserably uncomfortable when we eat an entire grape. Parties are more fun when we can't breathe.

4. A food pyramid is a nutritional chart. It is not a colossal tower of stacked meat. No food piling! Keep it to one layer.

This doesn't make sense. It necessitates making over 10 trips to the buffet table.

5. Registered dietitian, Kristin Kirkpatrick, writes in a Huffington Post article, "Never allow leftovers to enter your house. If you have a pushy host that insists you take home the rest of the crescent roll pastry Brie wheel, graciously take it but conveniently leave it in the bathroom on your way out."

Oh, this is a beauty. When I emailed this tip to my friend Mike, he replied, "Seriously...who takes cheese into the bathroom?"

Plus, if everyone reads Kristin's article and puts food in the bathroom, that room will look like a separate party for the gastronomically-impaired.

6. Stare at food for a full minute before eating. Then you won't be eating subconsciously.

Have you ever stared at an oyster the second it's shucked? Do you really want to see your food moving right before you eat it?

7. Circle the buffet table and blot everything. If food leaves an oil smudge on absorbent cloth, put it back on the platter!

When I blotted my mother's kishka (don't ask) using her handmade lace napkins, she disinherited me.

8. Do not scream "Fire!" so you can be first at the buffet table. That would be stupid. But be sure you're the last in line. Party dishes look too tempting when nobody's swiped the good stuff, like the crab balls off the salad greens. By the time it's your turn, the food will look dreary, limp and tasteless.

Well, isn't that special.

The only things left will be Portobello mushrooms. (Their name is French for big old flat doorknobs.) The lobster they were stuffed with will be gone. We'll be looking at gray floppy discs with gills.

And so, if you're a skinny person who can eat anything, we all hate you. For the rest of us, maybe we can enjoy some holiday food without feeling guilty.

At my house, you're welcome to stack, blot or pile your food. But would you mind not hiding it in the bathroom?
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/23/11 12:45 AM

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/23/11 12:46 AM


The 12 Bugs of Christmas

Too many of us have had to deal with software problems and support like this!

The 12 Bugs of Christmas - A Software Developers' Version

1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.

2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/23/11 12:47 AM

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where did you go???"

The husband calmly replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile blushing, said, "Yes, I remember that, my love."

"Well, I'm at the Home Depot next to that shop."
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/23/11 03:19 AM

Originally Posted By: lildoggie
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where did you go???"

The husband calmly replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile blushing, said, "Yes, I remember that, my love."

"Well, I'm at the Home Depot next to that shop."


Oh my.... that's us!!!! eek 'cept I'm not a big jewelry person.... still I can certainly relate. Home Depot is his favorite place to shop..... I think I will purchase their patio furniture and leave a set there with his name on it..... LOL!!! grin
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/26/11 07:48 PM



Things Not To Say To On A Date

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/26/11 07:49 PM

The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

but don't forget the 4th stage....

He LOOKS like Santa Claus.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/26/11 07:51 PM

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/26/11 07:52 PM

During a wedding reception the mother of the bride managed to keep from crying until she glanced at the grandparents.

The grandmother had reached over to the grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand.

That was all it took to start the mother's tears flowing.

After the wedding, she went over to the grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/26/11 07:53 PM

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"

Another child said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/26/11 07:53 PM

A former Marine sergeant took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him. They decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made the teacher's tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/26/11 07:54 PM

A street person approached a passer-by and said, "Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?"

"That's ridiculous! Do you think anyone would really pay that much for a cup of coffee?" said the man.

"Just a yes or no, buddy," the beggar growled.

"I don't need a lecture about how to run my business."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 12/26/11 07:55 PM

HEADLINES FROM MY LIFE
By W. Bruce Cameron

My favorite kind of news stories are the ones with a headline like this: Cameron Wins Powerball Lottery. Then I want a brief paragraph, nothing more, describing the circumstances: "Lottery officials announced today that they were 'stunned' that the same person could win the Lotto three times in one year."

I've often wondered what would happen if this journalistic styleheadline, and then paragraphwere applied to the actual events of my life. Like this:

Lumpy Socks Cancel Family Hike

A scheduled family hike today was canceled indefinitely when W. Bruce Cameron's teenaged son announced there were crippling lumps in his socks. Investigation into the cause of these lumps was inconclusive. Replacement socks were called for, which led to a heated discussion among the Cameron children on whose turn it was to do laundry. Eventually the father of the family, speaking on condition of agitation, suggested the son clean his room as an alternative exercise. The son, when reached for comment, rejected this idea because his room was "smelly."

"Most Popular" Title Still Up For Grabs

Controversy erupted this week in a dispute over which Cameron daughter was "Most Popular" back in high school, with both women claiming the title. Official records do not reveal the result of any voting. To support her argument, the younger daughter produced a yearbook and pointed out she had several more signatures in it, but the older daughter countered that she had more actual photographs of herself in hers. Attempts by the father to mediate the dispute were dismissed by both parties on the grounds that he was, in their words, "like the least popular guy in his high school."

Tape Recording Deemed Insufficient Evidence

W. Bruce Cameron has pronounced a tape recording offered by his son as "insufficient evidence" of snoring.

"The snoring on the tape could be anyone," Cameron stated. "It sounds fake," he added.

Family Makes Astounding Discovery

On a recent stormy afternoon, with a power outage wiping out the television and the phone lines knocked down by the winds, the children of a local family made an astounding discovery.

"There are like all these books," explained the middle child.

The children in the family spent more than an hour reading before it was discovered that the cell phone still worked, and then they devoted the rest of the afternoon to arguing over who got to use it.

College Student Declares War

The daughter of W. Bruce Cameron announced this weekend a willingness to "go to war" over her father's attempt to enforce "high-school rules" when she visits home. As a demonstration of the power of her arsenal, the daughter decimated Cameron's food supplies and bombarded his laundry room with dirty clothes. Later, she tied up his lines of communication with long phone calls to former high-school friends she "hadn't seen in like forever."

"I was very popular in high school," Cameron's daughter states.

Unnamed sources inside the family advise she wasn't as popular as she claims and that her yearbook proves it.

Dog Makes Bid for Freedom

In an apparent escape attempt, the Cameron family dog was recently discovered excavating a large hole by some recently planted bushes in the yard. A search of the apprehended animal revealed that he was carrying some civilian clothes, a fake I.D. and an unnamed amount of cash.

Father Can Cook Nothing

A local father, fed up with the groaning and fake projectile vomiting that greets his every attempt to prepare dinner, recently challenged his children to name their favorites meals, and he would cook those.

"Nothing," the children were quoted as saying.

"He should just order pizza," his older daughter told the media.

Cameron issued a statement saying "we can't have pizza every night," but not everyone agrees with this.

"You can get all of your nutritional requirements from the toppings, except I don't like mushrooms," Cameron's son explains. "Or vegetables."

"When you order Hawaiian, the pineapple has vitamins," the older daughter stated.

"I don't like pineapple," the Cameron son responded.

Columnist not a Newspaper Man

Editors of Cameron's newspaper, having read this column, wish to make it clear that Cameron is neither reporter nor journalist, which is why he has no "standards" for what makes a worthy newspaper article.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/08/12 10:27 PM

Whoa...... it's been a while..... this was on page 2. YIKES!!! eek

Need a joke or 2 .... anyone???? crazy

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/09/12 08:27 PM

Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?

A: First, mom checks out three books at the library on electricity, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five-dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five-dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/09/12 08:28 PM


Fourth Grade Logic

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked,

"To draw out all his savings?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/09/12 08:29 PM

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/09/12 08:29 PM

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/09/12 08:30 PM

15 EXERCISES WE'D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2012...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/09/12 08:31 PM

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/09/12 08:34 PM

~ A Frenchman, an Italian and an American walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
~ A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart.
~ A long-haul trucker offered this tip for staying awake on the road: "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."
~ A penny saved...isn't much of a discount.
~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
~ Are you trying to fight today's battles with tomorrow's strength?
~ Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."
~ Because of God's grace, failure is never final.
~ Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.
~ Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
~ Careful...If you set your expectations too high, you could miss the glory staring you in the face.
~ Children are God's little "spies" and our little mirrors.
~ Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.
~ Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
~ Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
~ December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.
~ Did you hear about the red corpuscle and the white corpuscle? They loved in vein.
~ Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!
~ Do pie companies have a lot of turnovers?
~ Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long.
~ Driving home tonight I accidentally hit a turkey. It flew off my car and landed on the car behind me, which happened to be a police car. He pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.
~ Duct tape does not fix stupid.
~ False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
~ [For my fellow San Diegans:] My electric went out and I felt powerless to do anything about it.
~ He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.
~ Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.
~ How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?
~ I am not as good as I should be. I am not as good as I could be. But thank God I'm better than I used to be!
~ I can't tell you anything you dont already know, but I'd like to clarify a few things.
~ I have a high opinion of my opinion.
~ I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!
~ I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.
~ I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
~ I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
~ I'm going crazy. Wanna come along?
~ I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
~ I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
~ I'm on a new diet. No, I haven't changed my eating habits, I just switched my shower body wash for Dawn dish soap. Its label reads, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
~ I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
~ I've never had premonitions, but I think that one day I might.
~ If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
~ If you don't like my driving, just take a different road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
~ If you want to travel fast, walk alone. If you want to travel far, walk together.
~ In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
~ Indecision is the mother of flexibility.
~ "Invent a wise saying and live forever!" - Anonymous
~ Into every life some rain must fall - usually when your car windows are down.
~ IRS: Be audit you can be!
~ Is a dermatologist's knowledge only skin deep?
~ Is it possible to be totally partial?
~ Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
~ Is there another word for synonym?
~ Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
~ It doesn't matter whether you win or lose--until you lose.
~ It was a brave man who ate the first oyster.
~ It's almost impossible to overestimate the unimportance of most things.
~ It's been lovely but I have to scream now.
~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
~ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
~ It's not a REAL sponge cake unless you've borrowed all the ingredients.
~ It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
~ It's not what a teen knows that concerns his parents, it's how he found out.
~ It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
~ Junk: Stuff we throw away. Stuff: Junk we keep.
~ Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.
~ Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where's the ceiling?!"
~ Life is a Lamborghini - It goes too fast, and it costs too much.
~ Life is too serious to be taken seriously.
~ Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
~ Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
~ Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
~ Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
~ Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
~ Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
~ Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
~ Meandering to a different drummer.
~ Mental floss prevents moral decay.
~ Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
~ Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
~ Modulation in all things.
~ My daughter says I'm nosy. At least, that's what she wrote in her diary.
~ My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
~ My mind is like a blotter: Soaks it up; gets it backwards.
~ My train of thought was just derailed.
~ My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
~ Necessity is the mother of circumvention.
~ Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
~ Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
~ Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
~ Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
~ Never in my life did I have a lunch box that did not fill me with shame.
~ Never offend people with style if you can offend them with substance.
~ Never order barbecue in a restaurant where all the chairs match.
~ No decision is a decision.
~ No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
~ No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
~ One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
~ Q: What is the most common craving women experience during pregnancy? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
~ Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.
~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~ Sign in a barber shop: All of our customers make us happy: some by arriving, some by leaving.
~ Sign posted in an Army recruiting office: "Marry a veteran, girls! He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders."
~ So there're two fish in a tank. One says: "You man the guns and I'll drive."
~ So these two air-heads walk into a building...You'd think one of them would have seen it.
~ Some people are wise. Some people are otherwise.
~ Some people come in your life as blessings. Some come as lessons.
~ Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell your storm how big your God is.
~ The 4 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.
~ The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to North Pole. Now Santa Claus is missing.
~ The difference between a duck and George Washington is one has a bill on his face and the other has his face on a bill.
~ The grace of God is the mending glue for broken hearts.
~ The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
~ The right note, played at the wrong time, is a wrong note.
~ "Time's fun when you're having flies." (Kermit the Frog)
~ We are all faced with great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.
~ We cannot prevent the storms in our lives, but we can dance in the puddles.
~ What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
~ When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
~ Whenever you fall down, pick something up. (Or someone.)
~ Why does a psychic convention need to advertise?
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/10/12 08:12 AM

I like this one!

Originally Posted By: lildoggie
~ Duct tape does not fix stupid.~



Thanks for the jokes lil. grin


Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/10/12 07:52 PM

that one about fixing stupid always reminds me of bugsmom
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/10/12 07:53 PM

It was the toughest experience of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at new medical office. The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history.

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/10/12 07:54 PM

YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...

~ You can type sixty words a minute...with your feet.

~ Instant coffee takes too long.

~ You chew on other people's fingernails.

~ You answer the door...before people knock.

~ You sleep with your eyes open.

~ You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

~ You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

~ You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there.

~ You lick your coffeepot clean.

~ You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

~ You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

~ You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!

today'sTHOT============================

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/10/12 07:55 PM

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never
keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest
ball of twine.
~ Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
~ Stop bringing lunch from home--eat out more.
~ Don't have eight children at once.
~ Get in a whole NEW rut!
~ Start being superstitious.
~ Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.
~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a
belt.
~ Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Don't believe politicians.
~ Break at least one traffic law.
~ Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
~ Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Wait for opportunity to knock.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about faults.
~ Never make New Year's resolutions again.

today'sTHOT============================

Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/10/12 07:56 PM

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/10/12 07:56 PM


How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/10/12 07:57 PM


Bachelor's Cat

A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life.

He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.

"How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply.

"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"

"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock.

"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"

"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/17/12 08:16 AM

Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/17/12 08:35 AM

removed
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/17/12 08:38 AM

removed
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/17/12 08:44 AM

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/18/12 07:15 AM

On Monday the minister's little daughter was very naughty, so her mother told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School picnic on Saturday.

For the next few days the girl's behaved so nicely the mother changed her mind and said she could go to the picnic after all. Surprisingly, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter?" asked her mother. "I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic."

"It's too late," said the little girl. "I've already prayed for rain!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/18/12 07:15 AM


Memory Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

Fred turned to his wife.

"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/18/12 07:16 AM

A new parachutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled.

At about 5,000 feet, still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"

The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PROPANE STOVES?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/18/12 07:16 AM


Tim Robbed

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.

Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/18/12 07:17 AM

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.

His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/18/12 07:17 AM


Lots of Kids

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.

When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/18/12 07:18 AM

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen...Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right..."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
______________

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/18/12 07:18 AM


Foreign Pizza

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/18/12 08:02 AM

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
: WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 01:05 AM


Walking Out

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer.

"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 01:06 AM

A young woman brought her fiance to visit her parents. After a nice dinner, the father invited the fiance to the library for a talk.

"So what are your plans?" he asked the young man.

"I am a seminary students," he replied.

"A seminary student. Hmmm," said the father. "Admirable, but how will you provide a home for my daughter?"

"I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her an engagement ring, such as she deserves?"

"I will focus on my studies and God will provide for us."

"And how will you support your children?"

"Don't worry, sir. God will provide."

The conversation continued like this; each time the father questioned, the young man insisted that God would provide.

Later, when the mother asked about the male conversation, the father sighed, "Well, he has no job and no plan, but the good news is: he thinks I'm God!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 01:06 AM

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead - Go Slow."
_____________

TEACHER: Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?"
JOHN: In the garden of Eden?
_____________

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________

today'sTHOT============================

I'm starting to really struggle with my New Year's resolution. I ran around the block six times this morning as I had resolved, but I was in so much pain I could barely pick the block up off the floor to put it back in the toy box!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 01:07 AM


Country Puddle

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.

As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.

"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 01:11 AM

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.

We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

--"You've got two red lights right next to each other, goober. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

--"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

--"Give me that."

--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!."

--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

--"Have you been drinking?"

--"Where's the cat?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 01:12 AM

A SIGN OF THE TIMES

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email??!!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 01:12 AM

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 01:14 AM

q: Why do mice have little balls?
a: Because they like to dance.



And I bet you thought it was going to be rude! ROFL
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 01:16 AM

An old widow bought an antique from a shop and brought it home. As she was polishing it up a genie burst from it and said, "You have awakened me from my slumber! I shall now grant you three wishes!"

The widow asked for a cottage in the country. The genie nodded his head, and suddenly she found herself holding the deed to a little place outside of town.

The widow then asked for enough money to be wealthy for the rest of her days. The genie nodded and suddenly they were surrounded by piles of money.

"You have one more wish," the genie said.

The widow pointed to her pet cat and said, "Ever since my dear husband died this cat has been my faithful companion. Please, turn him into a handsome young man who will make love to me just as my husband did."

The genie nodded and disappeared. Suddenly there was an extremely handsome young man standing where her cat used to be. The woman gasped with joy, but the man just glared at her and said, "Well, I bet now you're finally sorry you got me neutered."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 10:23 PM


Lawyer Laughs

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide:

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have children or anything of that kind?

9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes
Q: What were you doing at the time?

13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 10:23 PM

My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th hole."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 10:24 PM

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/19/12 10:25 PM

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I'm locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge."

The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting...But tell me what does the sign on the door say?"

The guy replies, "It says 'Pull.'"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/20/12 01:00 AM

3 February 1990, Washington

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree appeared to be the robber's first, due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms. A gun shop.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup, and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, covered by several customers who also drew their guns, thereby removing the confused criminal from the gene pool.

No one else was hurt.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/20/12 01:03 AM

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already messed in my pants."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/20/12 01:08 AM

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore.

For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid
flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way
out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through
the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion
inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering
crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement!.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/20/12 01:09 AM

Cowboy Boots
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help & she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month . .
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/12 01:30 AM


Rejected Invitation

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/12 01:31 AM


Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."

"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/12 01:31 AM

A professor - an atheist - was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no a God.

He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard about what the professor said.

The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy. He sent me."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/12 01:32 AM

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started
thinking I was the foreman."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/12 01:32 AM


Owl Friend

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/12 01:33 AM


Tea For Two

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.

When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.

"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

"Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/12 01:34 AM

ARE YOU READY FOR PARENTHOOD?

A brief battery of tests for prospective parents

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now dig with your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow at least two small animals (goats are best). Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small bag into which you have cut a neck hole and eight arm holes, making sure that the head of the octopus and each arm emerges from the correct opening.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and filling it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag. Do this until 9 pm. Lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the customer service counter and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/12 01:35 AM


4 Waiting Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."

"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.

He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/12 01:35 AM


Newlywed Breakfast

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said Scott the new husband.

"Toast and juice," Tracy replied.
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/27/12 07:56 PM

I'll share something from Philip Larson's post:

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 01/30/12 02:51 AM

Lil & Herf,

Thanks for your jokes. I have shared them with friends and family.... yep... I hang around with a lot of people who like to laugh and a few that should laugh more..... grin

Mahalo,
Orchid
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/01/12 08:21 AM

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

today'sTHOT============================

I went skiing with a whole bunch of psychoanalysts. I never saw so many
Freudians slip.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/01/12 08:21 AM


Sick Day

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

"Did you read the paper?" he asked.

"I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/01/12 08:22 AM


You are a lousy cook if.

You are a lousy cook if....

Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.

Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yoghurt.

Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.

Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.

Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.

Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

No matter what you do to it the gravy still turns bright purple.

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/01/12 08:23 AM

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!"

"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.

"I send him to MY room!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/01/12 08:23 AM


Arizona Rain

A visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in Arizona?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of that."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/01/12 08:25 AM


No More Gators

While sports fishing off Melbourne Beach, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beach bum said.

"The sharks got 'em."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/01/12 08:26 AM

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/01/12 08:26 AM


Rest In Peace

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this, 'Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/05/12 12:05 AM


Battling Salons

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.

They put up a big bold sign which read:
"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/05/12 12:05 AM

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

today'sTHOT============================

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/05/12 12:06 AM


Lunch On The Bank

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?"

The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/05/12 12:06 AM

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

today'sTHOT============================

Did you hear about the optimist who managed to fall off the top of the Empire State Building? As he passed each floor he was heard yelling, "So far so good!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/05/12 12:07 AM


Landing Check

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/05/12 12:07 AM

SURVIVING DRIVER'S ED (AGAIN): A TRUE STORY
By Bill Allison

I picked up my fifteen year old son from school. When he got into the car, he announced, "I can drive now."

Having been through this with his older sister, I saw the teachable moment and tried to lean into it. "Just because the state of Illinois gives you a permit and says you can now start driving with your parents in no way means that you can actually drive."

Unrelenting, my son spit back, "I'm a great driver."

Just as unrelenting, I shot back, "Driving the riding lawn mower at home in the yard and driving a car between the lines without actually hitting another car, stationary object, or a person are two different things."

"But I took a test in Driver's Ed today and passed. See, I'm a great driver," he affirmed waving a piece of paper in his hands.

"Passing a written driving test in a classroom in no way whatsoever means that you can actually drive a real car on a real road with other real cars around you. Really."

Then he threw down the challenge. He played the ace in his hand. "What's wrong old man? Afraid my driving is better than yours?"

The teacher/trainer in me kicked in. You see, when the learner is not getting the obvious point, the teacher/trainer may opt for "creative" teaching measures. This would be a good time to call his bluff and attempt to bring him back to reality. I calmly pulled the car over into a McDonald's parking lot. Put it into park. Got out and walked around to the passenger side front door. Opened it and said, "Let's go Mr. World's-Greatest-Driver-whose-never-actually-driven-a-car-before. Show me what you've got."

He looked stunned, but he quickly got out his seat and situated himself behind the driver's side of the car. He adjusted the seat, the mirrors, and fastened his seatbelt. So far so good. Then he stopped and looked down at the floor for what seemed an inordinate amount of time. I entertained the thought that he might be praying. Then suddenly he looked up at me and with complete seriousness and asked, "Now which one of these pedals is the brake?"

I rest my case.
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/06/12 01:19 PM

Had to come back JUST to post this!

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE Man of Your House.

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.' You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."




Posted By: believer

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/06/12 09:39 PM

Good to see you again, 20.
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/08/12 08:55 AM

Posted By: Chani

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/08/12 06:39 PM

Men Teaching Classes for Women at The Adult Learning Center

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, February 24, 2012

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Complaining About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?
Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Posted By: Mark1952

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/08/12 07:25 PM

Class 13
Improve Your Self Esteem - Examining reasons for poor self-worth.
Meets for 6 weeks on Thursday at 11:45pm in the Custodian's alcove connected to the boiler room.
Please use the door next to the loading dock in the alley behind the building.

Class 14
Working Out When Life Gets Busy - Weight loss program for those with no time to exercise.
Meets for 13 weeks on the fourth floor on Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 5:30pm.
Enter through the double doors and use the stairs.

Posted By: night

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/09/12 01:20 AM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Posted By: night

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/09/12 01:34 AM





Posted By: night

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/09/12 03:11 AM

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since.
Posted By: night

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/09/12 03:13 AM

Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/09/12 03:43 AM

Originally Posted By: night
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since.



laugh1
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 03:31 AM

A lady walks into an ice cream shop and asks the man at the counter for some chocolate ice cream. the man says "sorry ma'am, we're fresh out". The women says "ok, than just give me some chocolate ice cream please".
The man replies " sorry ma'am, I just told u we're out". the woman than says "really? sigh...ok, than I'll just have some chocolate ice cream".
The man by this point just stares at her for a moment and finally replies "look lady, say 'van' as in vanilla..." the woman replies in a perky voice "ok, van!".
The man then says "ok, say 'straw' as in strawberry..." the lady once again replies cheerfully "straw!".
The man says "good, now say 'FREAK' as in chocolate..." the lady thinks for a moment and then remarks to the man "wait a minute, there's no 'freak' in chocolate!". To this the man replies "THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL U!!!!!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 03:31 AM

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.

So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General''s voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.

The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.

"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.

"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 03:32 AM

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 03:32 AM

Apologies to my favourite lawyers wink

LAWSUIT PARTY ANIMAL
By W. Bruce Cameron

I'm a party in a lawsuit.

A person involved in a lawsuit is called a "party" with the same ironic misuse of language that a person who has been sitting in a doctor's waiting room for 2.5 hours is called a "patient." There's no
party that I can see, though I suppose it is true that everyone there has received a written invitation.

The fun starts with the deposition, a process by which the attorneys for the other side ask a series of mind-numbing questions in an effort to prove that your lawsuit is completely boring. Here's some of
the actual transcript from my deposition:

Opposing Counsel: Now, Mr. Cameron, before we get started, if at any time you feel like you need to use the bathroom, you should advise me, because if I know you are in physical distress I'll enjoy this
more.

Me: Okay.

Opposing Counsel: First question. You're supposedly some kind of humorist, so that must mean you had pretty bad parents, right?

My Attorney: Objection. You have not established that my client even had parents. For all we know, he came out of some kind of worm.

Opposing Counsel: I'll withdraw the question if you'll stipulate that your client is an idiot.

My Attorney: I think that's obvious, so yes, I'll stipulate.

Me: Uh, could I talk to my attorney for a minute?

Opposing Counsel: Sure, if you have something to hide. Otherwise, you'll just answer the question.

Me: What question?

Opposing Counsel: Let the record show that the witness is evasive and ugly.

My Attorney: Plus he has really poor taste in clothing.

Me: Hey!

My Attorney: I can't help it. I think your tie is unethical.

Opposing Counsel: Now Mr. Cameron, let me show you a photograph. Do you recognize the house in this picture?

Me: No.

Opposing Counsel: That's because it's mine. I plan to use the money from my billing on this deposition to make this month's mortgage payment, so I'll need to drag out the proceedings a bit today.

My Attorney: That's okay, I'm saving to buy a sailboat.

Opposing Counsel: So, Mr. Cameron, next question. Do you really believe that you'll recover enough from this lawsuit to even begin paying your attorney fees?

My Attorney: Objection; we've already established my client is an idiot.

Opposing Counsel: Look, if you keep objecting to everything I say we're both just going to make a lot more money, so I suggest you continue doing it.

My Attorney: Can I just say, I have never found you more attractive than I do at this moment.

Me: Yes, I do think I'll recover enough to more than pay my attorney fees.

Opposing Counsel: You are a humorist!

My Attorney: May I speak to my client? I'm getting a little nauseated, here. (To me, whispering.) Hey listen, while doing this I'm going to work on another case so I can double bill, is that okay?

Opposing Counsel: Ha! I can hear you!

Me: No! We're wasting time. Can't you get this thing moving? This is costing a lot of money!

My Attorney: Look, did you buy that tie at a garage sale or something? I mean, lordy.

Opposing Counsel: Lordy pordy pie!

Me: Can we just get on with this, please?

Opposing Counsel: I could hear you the whole time, you know.

Me: I know, that's fine, I don't care.

Opposing Counsel: Have you ever been afflicted with jaundice, boll weevils, a persistent itch in places you can't scratch, knife wounds from someone you don't know, or that gross stuff in the corner of
your eye in the morning?

Me: What does that have to do with anything?

My Attorney: Hang on, I'm the attorney here. Objection, with the exception of the boll weevils, what does this have to do with anything?

Opposing Counsel: We're having a blood drive at work and I wanted to see if he can donate.

Me: No to everything except the eye stuff.

Opposing Counsel: Eew!

My Attorney: That's really gross.

Opposing Counsel: Well, let's take a break here so we can continue billing while we drink coffee.

My Attorney: Good idea!

(Deposition ends)
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 03:33 AM

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.

When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained to her how everything worked - how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

today'sTHOT============================

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, but only when the interest is kept up.

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 03:33 AM

Rail-road tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. This is an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's *ss came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' *sses.)

Now, there's a twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's *ss.

And you thought being a horse's *ss wasn't important?

Ancient horse's *sses control almost everything...
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 03:33 AM

An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 08:22 AM

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 08:23 AM

A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor. "I did everything all wrong again today," she said.

"I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 08:24 AM

TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION IS A LITTLE SLOW

1. Text on webpages display as Morse Code

2. Graphics arrive via FedEx

3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection

4. You post a message to your favorite Facebook group and it displays a week later

5. Your credit card expires while ordering from Amazon

6. ESPN website exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989

7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan"

8. Everyone you talk to on the Skype sounds like Forrest Gump

9. You receive emails with stamps on them

10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

today'sTHOT============================

Coffee's a great way to fool yourself into believing you're going to have a productive day.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 08:25 AM

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 08:25 AM

When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:

Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.

Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.

Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.

Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.

Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.

Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.

Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.

Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.

Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.

Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 08:26 AM


Tips For Student Pilots

1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa.

12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.

14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.

25. The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

And a bonus tip:

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 08:27 AM

A young woman woke up one morning and told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

today'sTHOT============================

Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 08:27 AM

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.

"Mmm hmm," grunted Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl on the planet?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

today'sTHOT============================

Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 08:28 AM

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light which is coming from a large old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."




With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.




After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion. " Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.




The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily he climbs the steps to his conservatory which houses his grand piano, for it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.




Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!




Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.




He bursts in and shouts to his master:




"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 08:29 AM


Why Teachers Go Gray

These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/12/12 11:49 PM

Yay!
The joke thread has made it into 'Hot Topics'

claps
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/13/12 04:39 AM

these are out of my tiny mag just got it, still funny

funny texts..

kid: what time are you picking me up?

dad: who is this?

kid: your son

dad: how did you get this number?

kid: I programmed your phone, remember?

dad: How do I delete people?

..........................

mom: your father is driving me crazy. when are you coming home?

kid: I'm out with friends so not till late, sorry

mom: It's ok I put ambien in his tea. He won't be annoying me much longer.

..............

mom: come downstairs and talk to me please I'm lonely

kid: isn't dad there?

mom: yes, but I like you more
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/13/12 05:25 AM

Originally Posted By: lildoggie
Yay!
The joke thread has made it into 'Hot Topics'

claps


I read this earlier in the day and was glad to see it. H & I had a good laugh on the teacher joke you just posted.

Btw, you have to take a lot of the credit for giving us fun moments here @ MA! grin

Mahalo,
Orchid
Posted By: Telly

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/13/12 06:30 PM

I was thinking "the hills" story was getting a little long--but the payoff was worth it at the end.

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/16/12 08:08 PM


Pierced Ears

The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes."

"Did it hurt?" "Just a little."

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/16/12 08:09 PM

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in the blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and bravely fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat old truck!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/16/12 08:09 PM

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him 240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets 190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about 25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/16/12 08:10 PM


Laws of Computing

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:

"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/16/12 08:10 PM

Ruth and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.

Ruth begins to tell Esther about her children. "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids. My daughter is a lawyer and she has three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?"

Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."

Ruth says, "No children? ... and no grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"



today'sTHOT============================

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/16/12 08:12 PM


Marriage Wakeup

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They're so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."
Posted By: Chani

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/21/12 08:42 PM

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/22/12 04:15 AM

laugh1
Posted By: night

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/22/12 06:28 PM

Originally Posted By: Chani
A
He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."



A genius came up with that /thumbsup
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/27/12 06:47 AM


Trading Caps

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.

And this one's even better because it locks..."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/27/12 06:47 AM

To Err is Human; To Forgive, Divine.

To err is human; to purr, feline.
To err is human; two curs, canine.
To err is human; to do nothing, benign.
To err is human; to quit, resign.
To err is human; to howl, lupine.
To err is human; to solve, design.
To err is human; to fart, asinine.
To err is human; to moo, bovine.
To err is human; to soothe, calomine.
To err is human; to pretend, pantomime.
To err is human; to bloom, columbine.
To err is human; to prance, equine.
To err is human; to add, combine.
To err is human; to befriend, pal o' mine.
To err is human; to woo, Valentine.
To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein.
To err is human; to straighten, align.
To err is human; to drown, Clementine.
To err is human; to twist, serpentine.
To err is human; to love, sublime.
To err is human; to cut in, go back in line!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/27/12 06:48 AM

EXCERPTS FROM REQUESTS SENT TO LANDLORDS

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/27/12 06:49 AM


Workin' on the Railroad

Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

At his interview, the inspector asked him this question:

"What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?

Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual lever there."

"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Toby."

This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that??"

"Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/27/12 06:50 AM


A young lady signed up on an Internet dating service. She got to the section of the application that asked "What exactly are you looking for?"

This was her description: "He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

In a matter of moments, the results were returned to the woman: "Buy a television."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/27/12 06:53 AM

TOP TEN PICKUP LINES USED BY ADAM

10. "You know you're the only one for me!"
9. "Do you come here often?"
8. "Trust me, this was meant to be!"
7. "Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!"
6. "I already feel like you're a part of me!"
5. "Honey, you were made for me!"
4. "Why don't you come over to my place and we can name some animals?"
3. "You're the girl of my dreams!" (Gen. 2:21)
2. "I like a girl who doesn't mind being ribbed!"

And the number one pick up line from Adam is:
"You're the apple of my eye!" *
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 02/27/12 06:53 AM


Pygmy Hunter

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

"I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 06:16 AM


Do It Yourself

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 06:17 AM

A group of guys took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn't be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so they got up, too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.

After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up.

today'sTHOT============================

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 06:18 AM


Headlines from 2050

Floridato Be Re-admitted to Union

Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock

TexasExecutes Last Remaining Citizen

BaltimoreRams Defeat St. Louis Ravens

Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's

Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges

50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Baby Conceived Naturally

Cal Ripken Jr. Reduced to DH Role
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 06:18 AM

A farmer answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture. The farmer said, "No."

"Legally, that paper says we can," replied the worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the farmer went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the farmer hollered, "Show HIM your paper!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 06:19 AM


I'll Testify To That

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 06:19 AM

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over, he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 06:20 AM

Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Gina's father.

"There are twelve of us..."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 06:26 AM

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice. "Ken" she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 06:27 AM

A lawyer, doctor, and preacher went hunting together. When a prize buck ran past them they all fired at the exact same moment and the buck dropped.

However, there was only one bullet hole and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration center, not knowing who should tag it.

The agent said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."

He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this buck!"

Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down he pointed out the wound, "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 06:30 AM

Long ago, on New York's lower east side, Mrs. Spinelli and Mrs.Goldberg were bragging about their respective abilities to overfeed dinner guests.

With evident pride Mrs. Spinelli says, "When they walk home from my house, they're all doubled-over."

Without a beat, Mrs. Goldberg answers, "From your house they can walk?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 06:31 AM


Travelling Too Light

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"

"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.

"No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
Posted By: Squeaky Tree

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 11:21 AM

So pleased you're here Lil grin

ETA _ I like the French Church one best!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 09:21 PM

Welcome you are. I actually really liked the pygmy one. Kinda reminded me of a 'joke' I read once, not sure if I posted it here...

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . .

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then which one are you?'

. . . and that's when the fight started . ....
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 09:49 PM

Computer:Monitor, display this document, ok?

Monitor: No prob, boss.

Computer: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.

Computer: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?

Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.

Computer: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?

Mouse: Of course.

Keyboard: Sir, hes pressed control and P simultaneously.

Monitor: Oh God, here we go.

Computer: *sighs* Printer, are you there?

Printer: No.

Computer: Please, Printer. I know youre there.

Printer: NO! Im not here! Leave me alone!

Computer: Jesus. OK look, you really ne

Mouse: Sir, hes clicked on the printer icon.

Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

Printer: NO! NO! NO! I dont want to! I hate you! I hate printing! Im turning off!

Computer: Printer, you know you cant turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and well leave you alone.

Printer: NO! Thats what you always say! I hate you! Im out of ink!

Computer: Youre not out of in

Printer: IM OUT OF INK!

Computer:Sighs Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.

Monitor: But sir, he has plen

Computer: Just do it, damn it!

Monitor: Yes sir.

Keyboard: AHHH! Hes hitting me!

Computer: Stay calm, hell stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.

Keyboard: Hes pressing everything. Oh god, I dont know, hes just pressing everything!

Computer: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what youve done?!

Printer: HA! thats what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time heheyHEY! Hes trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my god! Hes torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please! ERROR!

Monitor: Sir, maybe we should help him?

Computer: No. He did this to himself.
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/03/12 11:26 PM

Love the computer script. laugh1
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/04/12 03:49 AM

Ok, for all who enjoyed Lil's computer script, here's the visual version:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQGtucrJ8hM

Courtesy of my son. grin

Aloha,
Orchid
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/04/12 03:55 AM

Ok, one more..... have you ever wondered how those streetview maps get made? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35LqQPKylEA&feature=related

grin
Posted By: for to fade

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/08/12 09:05 AM


http://9laughs.com/passive-agressive-neighbor/mlmye/
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/11/12 03:31 AM


Beauty Cosmetics

Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/11/12 03:31 AM


Black Snake

It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.

"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."

"Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/11/12 03:32 AM

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

When the mother got out of the car she said emphatically, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied with a smile.

As her mother headed for the church door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

today'sTHOT============================

One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/11/12 03:33 AM


Bagel Storm

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/11/12 03:35 AM


Grandpa's Manners

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa.

"How else can I catch my teeth???"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/11/12 03:35 AM

During a game, the coach asked one of his young players: "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/11/12 03:36 AM

Mom walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter with the whole box of
animal crackers spread on the counter top.

Mom: "Why did you pour out the whole box?"

Daughter: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken. I'm looking for
the seal."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/11/12 03:36 AM


Celebrating The Raise

My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.

The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.

As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.

However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."
Posted By: Telly

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/11/12 08:22 PM

The ice cream on the window story is something I would do....

Some of these recent ones have been laugh out loud funny!!!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 12:00 AM


Sal: "You get along so well with just everybody - how do you do it?"

Nat: "It's easy: I never disagree with anyone, no matter what."

Sal: "Oh, that's impossible!"

Nat: "You're absolutely right."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 12:00 AM

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 12:02 AM

Today's 'Funny'

WORDS TO LIVE BY

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the moment.

Just possibly she may be the wisest woman on this planet.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming, or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.

From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed?

Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched "Jeopardy!" on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?"

She would gasp and stammer, "I can't."
The reason? Check one:

I have clothes on the line.
My hair is dirty.
I wish I had known yesterday.
I had a late breakfast.
It looks like rain.

And my personal favorite: It's Monday.

She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because we cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect:

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained.
We'll entertain when we replace the living room carpet.
We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.

One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my "seize the moment" friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years.

I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my hips with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process.

The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day.

Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list.

Hear the music before the song is over.

today'sTHOT============================

Our greatest hopes and our worst fears are seldom realized.

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 12:02 AM

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

And the gentleman replied, " You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 12:03 AM

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy turns and hollers, "Now we run!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 12:03 AM

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)

6. Light Match

7. Light Match

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 12:04 AM

A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.

Finally his mother said, "Where did you get all that money.?

"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 12:04 AM

Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I haven't had a problem since."

"Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 12:05 AM

I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.

"Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"

She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"
Posted By: right here waiting

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 04:09 PM

Since we're coming up on St. Patrick's Day, and the Irish can take a joke...

Irish Wedding

At the wedding reception, someone yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living?"

The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 05:21 PM

Mary Clancy goes up to Father OGrady after his Sunday morning service, and shes in tears.

He says, So whats bothering you, Mary my dear?

She says, Oh, Father, Ive got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.

The priest says, Oh, Mary, thats terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?

She says, That he did, Father



The priest says, What did he ask, Mary?

She says, He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun.
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 05:25 PM

Paddy & Murphy

Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a holiday. Only this year I'm going do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii ... I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again."

Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/12/12 05:39 PM

Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"

"Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/13/12 01:22 AM

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/13/12 01:23 AM

Three men walk into a bar: a Frenchman, an Italian and an Irishman. Each orders one beer. Three flys fly into the bar and one fly lands in each man's beer.

The Italian man plucks the fly out of his beer, says "tutto e bene" (all is well)" and drinks the beer.
The Frenchman shows his beer with the bug still inside it to the bartender and demands another beer.
The Irishman yanks the bug out of the beer, grabs it by it's wings, shakes it while yelling

"Cough it up, you wee theivin' buggar!"
Posted By: right here waiting

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/14/12 03:06 AM

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 06:46 AM


Cats and Dogs

*Cat's guide to caring for your human.*

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

*AND*

*Mind Games for Dogs*

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!

Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

6. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 06:47 AM

QUIZ:
[Answers below]

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

ANSWERS:

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest ; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow. [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 06:50 AM


Young Man's Disorder

A young man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder.

"Every thought I have turns to my mother," he told the psychiatrist.

"As soon as I fall asleep and begin to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replied, "What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 06:51 AM

First guy: "You look sad, what's the trouble?"

Second guy: "I'm having domestic problems."

First guy: "But you're always bragging that your wife is a pearl!"

Second guy: "She is! It's the mother-of-pearl that's a problem."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 06:52 AM


Eclipse Memos

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 06:52 AM

CAMPING HINTS

~ When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

~ To get even with a bear who raided your food bag, kick his favorite stump apart and eat all the ants.

~ You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

~ Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

~ A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

~ A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

~ Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

~ The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 07:00 AM

While practicing autorotations during military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up the landing and landed on its tail rotor.

The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 07:01 AM

A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 07:02 AM

On their way home from attending an church service, little Johnny asked his mother, "Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust like the minister said tonight?"

"Yes, darling," his mother answered.

"And is it true that we go back to dust again when we die?"

"Yes, dear," his mother replied.

"Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I saw someone who is either coming or going?"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 07:02 AM

WHAT IS LOVE?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4-8 year olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8.

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay." Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6

"There are two kinds of love, Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them." Jenny - age 8

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt." Chris - age 7

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 5

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 07:03 AM


After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 07:10 AM

Three men walk into a bar.



You would have thought one of them might have seen it.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 07:11 AM

And finally, courtesy of Hopper....



2 fish swim into a wall. One turns to the other and says "dam".
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 07:15 AM

I lied, this was just sent to me and I just HAD to share:


You know you're Australian if....



You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bun'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total (child of unmarried parents)' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a (child of unmarried parents)'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'U

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/16/12 07:40 AM

THE ULTIMATE DISCLAIMER
For every occasion

This posting does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; this document is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute this posting and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include the article or parts of it in commercial publications, or as part of any fee-based services or products; further redistribution's only allowed unedited and in its entirety by electronic transfer (anonymous FTP, Gopher, WWW and mail servers), storage media, and printed copy as long as this notice is included and no monetary fee is charged; subject to change without notice; text is slightly enlarged to show detail; resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and coincidental; all models are over 18 years of age; dry clean only; do not bend, fold, or mutilate; anchovies or jalapenos added upon request; your
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Posted By: Telly

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/17/12 06:30 PM

I just love this thread.

You are very funny, L'il, and I don't know where you find all these things!!!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/17/12 09:15 PM

Some get sent to me, some I trip over, some I seek out.

Posted By: Chani

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/20/12 07:57 PM


Men Are Just Happier People

Life is simpler for you.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/30/12 08:36 AM

A 'Funny'

THE HUG

It was one of those mornings.
You know the type.

Things are tense.

Our infant son had been up all night.

My wife's eyes (along with the rest of her) were weary.

My oldest son, the five-year-old, wasn't feeling his best either.

He was slow getting ready for school.
He understandably didn't feel like going.

It was just one of those mornings.
You know the type.

As I drove him to school, he was quiet.

When parents are tense and tired, the children feel it.
They know by word and gesture when their acts and attitudes are less tolerated.

After being fussed at, he was sullen.

It was one of those mornings.
You know the type.

I walked him to his classroom as usual.
He walked in, removed his coat and hung it up.

I usually give my son a hug before I leave him in class.
I knew today he really needed a big hug, and maybe so did I.

He came forward with his arms outstretched. I bowed down,
clasped my arms around him, closed my eyes and hugged him tight.

Normally, I would only hug him for two or three seconds but on this morning,
I held him tight as the seconds ticked by like dashed lines on the highway.

All of a sudden, I felt him get heavier.

Still clinging to my son, I opened my eyes. I understood why he had gotten heavier.
His feet were off the ground. He had curled his legs up and his heels were only inches away from his backside.

He clung.

I clung.

Sometimes in life no words are needed. As he folded his legs up and trusted his father to carry all of his weight,
he didn't get heavier to my spirit.

I actually felt lighter.

It was a ritual repeated countless times through countless years from countless parents to countless children.

The touch and embrace between a parent and a child, make them both feel more secure.

It was one of those mornings.
You know the type.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/30/12 08:37 AM

The Wedding Dress

Betty was soon to be married.

More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent.

Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress.

When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her.

Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother.

Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son."

"Forget about that!" she said with a sob.

"I used to fit into that dress!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/30/12 08:38 AM

YA KNOW YOU'RE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH WHEN....

~ People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

~ People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

~ The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and five guys stand up.

~ Opening day of hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.

~ A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because: "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of!"

~ Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

~ The choir group is known as the "O.K. Chorale."

~ The pastor wears boots.

~ Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

~ There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

~ Baptism is referred to as "branding."

~ There's a special fundraiser for a new septic tank.

~ Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

~ High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

~ The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear."

today'sTHOT============================

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/30/12 08:39 AM


How to write a College Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it.

23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/30/12 08:40 AM

OOPS ADS PLACED IN NEWSPAPERS
Part 2

~ Hummers Largest selection ever If its in stock, we have it!

~ Illiterate? Write today for free help.

~ Lost small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

~ Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

~ Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

~ Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.

~ Nordic Track $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.

~ Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

~ Open house: Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and doughnuts.

~ Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

~ Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

~ Snowblower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

~ Stock up and save. Limit one.

~ Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

~ Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated.

~ Wanted Hair-cutter: Excellent growth potential.

~ Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

~ We build bodies that last a lifetime.

~ We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

today'sTHOT============================

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/30/12 08:41 AM


New Survivor

*Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?*

* 6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks

* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

* There is no access to fast food.

* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

* The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

* The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

* If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/30/12 08:42 AM

OOPS ADS PLACED IN NEWSPAPERS
Part 1

~ 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

~ 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

~ Alzheimers center prepares for an affair to remember.

~ And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

~ Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

~ Christmas tag-sale: Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

~ Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

~ Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

~ For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

~ For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

~ Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be a reward!

~ Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

~ Georgia Peaches, California grown. 89cents/lb.

~ German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

~ Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

~ Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

~ Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

today'sTHOT============================

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

=======================================
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/30/12 08:43 AM

Golf Meditations

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . . or at a minimum of not at all.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ......for an 8.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if your still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a players downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e. backswing 20mph, handicap 15, downswing = 600mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one in wearing the glove.

Hazards attract, fairways repel.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/30/12 03:59 PM

A married couple are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.



The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.

Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.



He insisted on speaking to the Manager.



The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for them to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.



''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here", the Manager

says.



"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.



"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.



No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband

replied, But we didn't use it!"



The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.

As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00."



''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,"

she replied.



"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager..



"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."



Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid

Posted By: Jayne241

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/31/12 05:09 AM

Originally Posted By: right here waiting


Traffic Cameras

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I wasn't speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same result and was now
laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You know, you just can't fix stupid.



Seriously, LOL!!!
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/31/12 02:17 PM

Goes without saying....


My 17-year old son and I were on a fly fishing trip to the quality waters of the San Juan River, New Mexico in late August of 1991.

We were standing in the middle of the river while I was trying in vain to show my son some fishing methods that would help him catch more fish.

I would make a delicate cast just up stream of a trout-laden pool. Conversely, he would slop the line down in the middle of the pool, sending fisher persons and fish alike rocketing for a safe haven.

I would suggest using a very small nymph fly. He would tie on the largest deep sea ocean fly available!

I would tell him to keep a very tight line. Of course, he let out enough line to entangle and enrage several other fisher persons down stream.

All the while, an old white-haired gentleman had been watching us as he ate his mid-morning snack on the bank across from us.

He finished his snack, picked up his pole and waded out to where my son and I were. He said that he could not help noticing my sons contrary behavior. He asked if he could tell him a theory that his father had about most kids about the same age.

This is his story.

Son, one day you will hear a loud pop. From that moment on, you will be able to hear much clearer. You will be able to hear what people really are saying, not what you thought they said. You will be able to see more clearly. You will be able to see what people have done for you, not to you. You will be able to see people for what they really are, not what you wanted them to be."

He continued, Your thinking will become so much sharper and focused. You will be able to communicate on an adult level. You will realize that communicating is a sharing of information, not just your point of view. You will be able to comprehend beyond belief. You will then be able to truly understand that throughout your life your parents, teachers, and friends did things for you out of love and caring, not to punish you. You will be able to appreciate differences in the life you used to have and now have.

You will know who you are and where you are going."

There was more: In fact, the whole world will then seem to make sense instead of being fragmented hurdles that have plagued you for so long. You will have become a productive member of society!

The old man stopped talking and turned to leave when my son spoke up the first time. He asked the old man what the loud pop was.

The old man smiled and nodded his head as he said,

That loud pop will be caused by your head when it pops out of your ass!
Posted By: Orchid2

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/31/12 06:40 PM

Good one 20. grin

I am going to share it with my 17 year old. wink

Mahalo,
Orchid
Posted By: 20yrsdone

Re: The Joke Thread - 03/31/12 07:03 PM

Shared it with my kids!
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/01/12 05:09 AM

laugh
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/04/12 10:40 AM

FASCINATING FACTS FROM BIOLOGY


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee. (Hardly
seems worth it.)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper is always smiling? And why isn't the pig
included in this list? Maybe 30 minute orgasms aren't as fun as I
imagine...)

On average, people fear spiders more then they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of....? Did the gov't pay for this
research?)

Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew? Who cares? Did the gov't pay for this too? Probably...)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. That's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to
death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while it's head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
off. (Hi, honey. I'm home. What the...?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig.
Quality over quantity, you know?)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like this too. Note, not OUR Starfish. She is brilliant smile )

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth.

Our nose and ears never stop growing.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

Still wanna be a pig.
Posted By: AntigoneRisen

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/04/12 02:28 PM

Negativity:

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.....

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman ran into the hairdresser who asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who f'd up your hair?"
Posted By: Mark1952

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/04/12 04:27 PM

I always hold my wife's hand when we go out.

If I let go, she starts shopping...
Posted By: herfuturesbright

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/04/12 04:41 PM

From a friend on FB:

Zombie Subway: Eat Flesh

smile
Posted By: Squeaky Tree

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/04/12 05:20 PM

Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.
One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..."
Posted By: Squeaky Tree

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/04/12 05:30 PM

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'
Posted By: AntigoneRisen

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/07/12 11:18 PM



laugh1
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/12/12 02:25 AM

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met
the woman of his dreams! Now what should he do?

His mother advised: "Send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your
place for a home-cooked meal!"

So that's what he did. His mother called the day after the big date to see
how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/12/12 02:26 AM


Control Seminar

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:

WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?

(Get your manager's permission before attending)

Looks like that question's been answered
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/12/12 02:26 AM


Back Seat Johnny

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny.

She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of car's flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/12/12 02:27 AM

Tourist: "What an interesting necklace. What is it made of?"

Native: "Alligator's teeth."

Tourist: "I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

Native: "Oh no, no! Anybody can open an oyster."
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/12/12 02:28 AM


Taxi Grad

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2001, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1969.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/16/12 02:33 AM


What A Hoot

Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Then it dawned on them.

Posted By: Lil

Re: The Joke Thread - 04/16/12 02:34 AM

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit."

And God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God sent heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to woo them. And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And Man told the truth. And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight Watchers