Marriage Advocates

The Demand Man

Posted By: NewEveryDay

The Demand Man - 09/29/12 05:53 PM

From Types of Abusive Men

There are many types of abusers and the tactics used varies from person to person.... I am in agreement with Lundy Bancroft who is the author of 'Why Does He Do that?" Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. This book gave me insight into what my ex-husband was thinking and where the feelings of rage were coming from. I better understood his moods and the tactics that he used....

The Demand Man:
  • Has little to no sense of give and take. He feels that his partner owes him. He demands emotional support, sexual attention and favors. He demands attention and care from his partner that he is not willing to return.
  • He exaggerates the conributions that he does make to the relationship or the household. He thinks his partner owes him tremendous gratitude for taking care of his daily responsibilities.
  • When he doesn't get the gratitude he feels he's due, then he punishes his partner for letting him down.
  • He only gives when he's in the mood to give. He's loving when trying to prove he's a good person or he is preparing to make a demand.
  • If what you need or wants conflicts with his, he will be furious.

The Demand Man is sometimes less controlling than other abusers as long as his partners meets all his needs on his terms.

My then-h attitudes and behaviors matched this category. As one example, he told me many times over the years that I "owed" him to move cross-country to a place he thought h would have good employment prospects. When I resigned from my job, we went for two months, he found no permanent work, and we went back home, he berated me for being unwilling to resign and try again.

From Understanding & Breaking Free From Relationship Violence

LundyBancroft: The anger issue is closely related to the previous question. Many people believe that if they can figure out what is making the man so angry, he won't explode. But his anger isn't his problem -- in fact, there are people with huge anger problems who don't get mean or abusive -- they're just angry all the time. (Which isn't good either, but it isn't the same thing as being mean or controlling.)

His problem is that he thinks he has the right to control the woman's life, that he looks down on her as inferior to him, and that he thinks her life should revolve around doing things for him -- that she shouldn't have needs and a life of her own. So making him less angry isn't going to change how he treats his partner, because he'll still have all those terrible attitudes. Some abusers can be extremely cruel without getting angry at all. So the anger is really a red herring.

Another way to think about it is this: If you expect a woman to be a perfect, servile, unquestioning person whose life is completely devoted to meeting your needs, and who has no needs of her own, aren't you going to be angry all the time? Because no woman could live up to that (and no woman should have to).

Louise: Why do you think abuse often starts or worsens around pregnancy/new birth?

LundyBancroft: Because a pregnant woman, and the mother of a newborn, has to focus on her own needs and the needs of the this new growing life. She can't be devoting her life to taking care of her man. He's got to grow up and take care of himself during this stage in life -- but the abuser often refuses to do that, and continues demanding attention and catering. So he becomes worse than no help -- he's actually contributing to the stress and demand of this difficult time.

Folks get upset by stuff - that's part of life. But what does your partner do with that? Express it in a healthy way, or attempt to control your behavior through turning demanding, critical, mean or worse?

Counseling didn't help the problems in my marriage, I got discouraged and left. What works in these cases?
Posted By: Praying4hubby

Re: The Demand Man - 10/02/12 12:09 PM

Mine had an affair, abandoned me and the children, and has become so mean and nasty, I am sure his next lady will have a real piece on her hands. I can only imagine he must have had this pent up rage in him all these years. I was never good enough for him. I turned around and become aggressive towards him as a way to get some of my needs met. It was a bad cycle that needed to be broken, and I can say I am happy the cycle is broke. I am thankful for the gift of clarity. I can see what I needed to fix, and I can understand how the marriage deteriorated.

The more I step away from my marriage, the more I realize my reality in my marriage was far from truthful. I was in denial for years. I am seeing how a man should treat his wife. I recognize what I need to do to ensure I have a partner, not a petulant child. The strength is coming one day at a time.
Posted By: catperson

Re: The Demand Man - 10/02/12 01:49 PM

P4h, that's an awesome update!
Posted By: Praying4hubby

Re: The Demand Man - 10/02/12 10:24 PM

Thank you cat. I have a long way to go. I am triggered because he has removed himself from the kids lives. He rarely sees them. He pops in one day here and never does his weekends. His last weekend was the middle of August. He has every excuse in the book, he is too busy with work travel, his own schoolwork, his friends, his new girlfriend, his life, blah blah blah. It is always something on why he won't do his visitation. I am trying to find news ways to cope and help the children cope with this change. Even when he is around them he is distant. I watched him at one of the kids functions a couple of weeks ago. He just showed up without us knowing he was coming. The kids didn't even run up to him and jump on him. They just looked up and said, "hey dad." This was a five and 2 year old. My sister's mouth hit the floor. She said that is not normal. Normal kids who have a good relationship with their parent run up and jump all over their parent when they haven't seen them for a month. Nope my kids just said, "hey dad." That was it, and then they were off with their life, playing in the sandbox.

I am just numb to it now. The shock and denial are all gone. I fully accept this man has a serious character flaw: selfishness, narcissism, pride, lover of himself, stubborness, hatred towards me, and the list goes on. He is not normal and I think his karma will be his own making. A man that selfish will collapse himself onto himself. You can't be this kind of vile creature and have a good, happy life. It is impossible. He won't need me to bring him to bottom. He will get there soon enough on his own. I just wish my kids didn't have to go down with him. I got a text from him today. He will be on travel with work until the end of the month. What a jerk!!!!
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: The Demand Man - 10/11/12 11:55 AM

Praying, I just saw this. What a tough season to go through. That is so cool to see the strength is coming, a day at a time. Your kids sound resilient.
Posted By: Not2fun

Re: The Demand Man - 10/13/12 03:57 PM

Thanks for posting this NED. In the five years I've been on marriage forums, this is the first time I've seen ANYTHING resembling Mr. Not. The narcissistic stuff never seemed to quite apply. Abusing stuff? Nope.... But when I read this I had one of those "ah ha" moments....
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: The Demand Man - 10/17/12 01:30 PM

I'm glad you found something that resonated, Not. I was half the problem in the marriage, in that I fully bought into that whole dysfunctional line of thinking too. That I was being disrespected and treated poorly because I wasn't getting my job as a girlfriend or wife correctly. And I have awesome women friends, so I knew what healthy relationships of equals felt like.

Even after I saw this spelled out clearly this way, that love wasn't supposed to feel like punishment for being a disappointment, it took me a long time to get myself out of the situation. It makes me sad to see others walk down this path, too. The other part I had wanted to share is how it is only a matter of time that the way this man treats his wife, he will start treating the children, too. I think that was by far the most painful part, having a responsibility to make a nurturing home for my kids, and failing to follow through on that.
Posted By: Lil

Re: The Demand Man - 08/02/21 01:16 AM

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