Marriage Advocates

So, who'd a think it...

Posted By: whatsupdoc?

So, who'd a think it... - 01/21/16 01:14 AM

After months and months of online "window shopping", there has been nothing, nada - zero, zip zilch of two way interest.
I get plenty of "looks/likes/winks" - 2 to 9 a day to be exact, and I have enjoyed the limited communications, and lets face it - it is flattering to be pursued...(and to help some gents write a better profile is a good feeling, too.)

..but there has been nothing remotely close to mutual pairing. Not even a "one and done coffee date...."

Months ago I "saved" a profile of a guy who I liked. Not only attracted to his education/ degrees - I loves me some nerds - but something about his face... I can't put my finger on it. But he had been off site for weeks, so I favored him and forgot.

Another suitor, another teacher, >> blah, teachers are arrogant. << ..good looking but no on line a lot.. he favored me awhile ago, but never emailed, so I let that sit in the forget pile...

After months of looking, what are the odds, BOTH dudes email me today. ( guy one I saw had been on the site recently, so I did email him inviting him to read my profile..)
Teacher, just sent a friendly message...

What are the odds???

Even if both turn bust, this is the first glimmer of hope my heart has had for truly moving on in the love interest department. I actually get to choose between TWO really nice candidates...
So, it is a good feeling to know that there ARE potential partners out there... something I would have never said a few weeks ago...
dance2
Posted By: Blair

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/21/16 01:57 AM

That's awesome WuD! Hope you have fun dating both of them!
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/21/16 04:05 AM

Do you ever wonder why the dating thread here is so quiet, WUD? There used to be thousands of posts, but almost everyone got hooked up or married within 3 years.
Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/21/16 02:17 PM

WUD,

maybe the universe was waiting until you were READY. Just sayin'
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/21/16 04:57 PM

That is great WUD.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/30/16 04:09 AM

Well, after two weeks of echat, we are finally meeting tomorrow night.
We skipped the coffee date idea - went straight to dinner.
Which is good. If he chews with his mouth open-- deal breaker.

No red flags so far. Seems honest and open. His pictures are cute, but even if he looks like a Yetti, IRL, I'm going to have a blast because..

New story to tell..

i'm out of the house..

found someone who "hits" all the right markers-- gives me hope for other gents if he is a mouth breather.

Keep conversation light - NO x talk - (we did that a little bit already - YIKES for him..) - fun (I always have fun.) and be the first to go - but not too soon.

You guys know me. It will either be:
disappointed/sad: "Damn!"
mis repped himself/annoyed; "Damn!"
or "DDDDaaaaaayyyyyyuuuummmnnnn!"

Sound like a game plan?
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/30/16 04:53 AM

Oh, my WUD. You should have read through the 50,000 posts on old dating thread.

If you meet someone online, it's better to have a meet-up before you spend two weeks e-chatting. And for a first meet-up, you should consider something like going to a street fair (my favorite), art gallery, or anything that you would both enjoy no matter how the meet-up turned out. I don't like a coffee date because it can be uncomfortable because there you are, staring at each other.

With an activity, all of the pressure is off, and you can extend the date or not.

Dinner will be very, very stressful. Now you're staring at each other, but have to eat, too.

But, good luck anyway.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/30/16 05:04 AM

wud, good for you, getting out there smile

Like B said, you'll soon find lots of fun stuff to get out there to do, you're so active anyway!

Do you have your list of what you're looking for yet? I'd love to see it smile
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/30/16 05:18 AM

Yes, NED, I have a list:

a. Education and Gainfully employed
b. Humble/friendly/tolerant
c. Understands balance
d. Age appropriate (Don't want to be another mans mid life crisis, don't want to retire either.)
e. Must like travel/ must like or least to enjoy somethings about art.

Bonus points: interesting hobby,
Apparently these make me very picky. oh well. I also do not believe in square pegs, and round holes, so to speak.

If someones core beliefs or lifestyle do not jive with mine in a significant way, Im out. I certainly don't think I'm going to change anyone at our age.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/30/16 05:30 AM

Originally Posted By: whatsupdoc?
If someones core beliefs or lifestyle do not jive with mine in a significant way, Im out. I certainly don't think I'm going to change anyone at our age.

clapping

So easy, when you start dating after such a horrible experience, to fall for anyone.

You deserve someone wonderful. Hold out for him.

And in the meantime, have fun and good luck!!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/30/16 05:32 AM

Originally Posted By: believer
Oh, my WUD. You should have read through the 50,000 posts on old dating thread.

If you meet someone online, it's better to have a meet-up before you spend two weeks e-chatting. And for a first meet-up, you should consider something like going to a street fair (my favorite), art gallery, or anything that you would both enjoy no matter how the meet-up turned out. I don't like a coffee date because it can be uncomfortable because there you are, staring at each other.

With an activity, all of the pressure is off, and you can extend the date or not.

Dinner will be very, very stressful. Now you're staring at each other, but have to eat, too.

But, good luck anyway.


Thanks!, B!
He was out of town last two weekends, so we chatted longer than I'd rather.
-- I love conversations. I could have one with a koala, (koalas are silent) (knock wood). We both have interesting careers, we both have kids same age, we both seem to like similar things...

coffee dates are more pressure than dinner, in my honest... if you only have 45 min to impress--
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/30/16 05:43 AM

CR: OH! I know.
When your emotional needs go unmet for so long, that its easy to NOT see the real person, but who you want them to be.

This is the guy who's minister wife left him for another woman. Apparently, they went down and filed divorce paperwork together. They get along well, now.
Talk about being knocked for a loop!

We have a lot in common. I am assuming his wife cheated on him, but I may be wrong. and gullible.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/31/16 04:08 AM

What an incredibly good man! Smart as h#ll. I mean leaves most people in the dust kind of intelligence...
............ I cut the date off after three hours. NOT electric shock waves, but certainly enough there to date again...

He wants to meet again. I invited him to the "Detroit Dirty Show" on Feb 13th...
(He can meet my freaky people...)
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/31/16 04:27 AM

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, and good for you for getting out!

It's unusual for things to go so well on the first meet-up.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/31/16 06:16 PM

Well it is nice to know my 6th sense was functioning. He thanked me again, this morning for the "wonderful date", wants to go out again...

WuD? was on full wattage, take it or leave it - and I believe so was he..
I don't know about the nerd thing, anymore.

I thought nerds were some what reliable. Now I believe nerds- often have mild Aspergers, and are very UNReliable.

I guess any trait that reminds me of xh is going to set me off....
Posted By: AllyCat

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 01/31/16 10:58 PM

And all of a sudden.... You're moving again. Happy to see you getting out there for the first time WUD.... I don't think the darkness.... Any DARKNESS can last forever. At some point, you turn a corner. Here we go smile
Posted By: Blair

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/01/16 02:22 AM

I was waiting for an update on your date. What a good first date if you spent three hours with him and still want to see him!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/01/16 02:00 PM

Well, he phoned and we went to see Revenant last night.

He drove to me, so I bought the tickets. This poor bast@rd in the movie, Leo aka "Bear Bait", gets beat, mauled, buried, stabbed, frozen, dumped in the river, watches his son get murdered, after watching his wife get murdered- - chased by Pawnee, starved etc - etc... the entire duration of the film. It is horrible.

At one point, Leo dragging his foot at a 90 degree angle behind him, I whispered; "this is why I don't go camping!" I finally got the better of him...

Still, good time had by all, I think...

Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/01/16 02:26 PM

I've heard enough about that movie to know I don't have any desire to see it. I'm impressed that you managed to make it through the whole thing.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/01/16 02:44 PM

If you have empathy pains (you see someone get hit in the face, your cheek twinges) DO NOT see this movie.

At one point, someone gets fingers chopped off - my had twitched, and - worse gets stabbed in the leg, my entire foot jolted. We finally gave up and were speculating on what was going to attack him next:

Yetti
Rabid Raccoon
Puma
The last scene, baby bears orphaned by Leo finish him off - to bring closure to the bear world.

My favorite: Snow Alligator....
Posted By: EarningIt

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/01/16 07:54 PM

1) I'm trying to talk Grace into going to the Dirty Show

2) I'm laughing imagining the poor guy trying to figure out the subtext of an invitation to Dirty Show and then him processing what he's likely to see there......
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/01/16 08:41 PM

Get your tickets now - they will be $100 + each once sold out.
Its more risque than dirty.

The transvestite host is a SCREAM - (think Divine- > she also hosts drag queen bingo in Royal Oak) It has everything from pin up art - to noir leather - to pictures of normal people - with mastectomies but posed like famous paintings, for example. So they have male review dancers and bondage performances -- meh, a little spanking -- no one will die...

A lot of humor -( 21 gun - dildo sculpture) a lot of serious artists too. It is always interesting... I liked it better at Burt's, but now its out at Russell Bazar - by the old Packard Plant...
go go girls in cages, you know - the norm..

If that bugs her - leave when the people wearing only tape show up...
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/01/16 08:42 PM

Originally Posted By: EarningIt
1) I'm trying to talk Grace into going to the Dirty Show

2) I'm laughing imagining the poor guy trying to figure out the subtext of an invitation to Dirty Show and then him processing what he's likely to see there......


In all seriousness I told him he HAS to provide me with his "safe word" before he gets patted down to get in... laugh1
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/03/16 07:56 PM

He finally got back with me about The Dirty - He wanted to make sure his daughter, who lives in another state, did not want to visit with him that weekend first - I respected that 100%.

I am so out of it and clueless about this Mid life dating thing..
but one thing I will always appreciate about THIS gent -

He gave me hope that age appropriate, educated, good fathers/responsible and available men are "out there", somewhere.

Since both sides provide for themselves, there is no "need" to be with each other. We know how to "feed ourselves", so to speak.
So any communications with him I will consider "cake".

Substantial enough? At this point who gives?
I have eaten sh## sandwiches for 2 years... I deserve some cake... This guy may be hazelnut filling, but I'll remember that "Mr. Lemon Cake" may be around the next corner, too.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/03/16 08:28 PM

That was my dating motto. I've got a great life on my own - I didn't need anyone to help make me happy, but it's nice to have someone to share my happiness with.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/03/16 10:41 PM

smile

and carrot cake, and Hummingbird cake, Coconut cake....
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/03/16 10:58 PM

Mmmmmmmm.....cake.

If someone promised to bring me homemade cake every day for the rest of my life (heck, even once a week) in exchange for a vow to stop dating, I would be happily single (and happily doubling my time at the gym to make up for the cake).
Posted By: Blair

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/04/16 01:07 AM

Wait - what's Hummingbird cake?
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/04/16 02:22 AM

Southern Livings most requested. A pineapple, banana - coconut carrot cake.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/05/16 02:47 AM

"Mr. Hazelnut" (not an insult bachelor #1 - my favorite), is now floundering on next weekend - his daughter flip flops on her desire/ability to see him - she is the priority, lives 6 hours away..

Now he's started worrying about now double commitments, if she changes her mind and wants to see him.. - >at least he's conflicted<< ..I, ever so politely, let him off the hook -- it is his 10th grade daughter, this is their regular visit...

... I met up with "Mr. Raspberry". Ah, cake. Much better way of seeing this, I think. razz

Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/05/16 03:34 AM

Originally Posted By: whatsupdoc?
"Mr. Hazelnut" (not an insult bachelor #1 - my favorite), is now floundering on next weekend - his daughter flip flops on her desire/ability to see him - she is the priority, lives 6 hours away..

Now he's started worrying about now double commitments, if she changes her mind and wants to see him.. - >at least he's conflicted<< ..I, ever so politely, let him off the hook -- it is his 10th grade daughter, this is their regular visit...

... I met up with "Mr. Raspberry". Ah, cake. Much better way of seeing this, I think. razz



Same age as my Ds. not an easy age. Good for him for putting her first.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/05/16 04:20 AM

Quote:
've got a great life on my own - I didn't need anyone to help make me happy, but it's nice to have someone to share my happiness with.


CR, how did you get to that point? My FOO still has lots of issues, so I am trying to make a family of my own, me and the kids. And like Hold describes in his thread, it is EXHAUSTING trying to be the one to hold it all together all the time year after year. Like seriously, if I even take a nap, I wake up to problems. Man I need some help. A partner would help with the housekeeping, cooking, child-rearing, finances, the yard, home repair, paperwork, all of it.

WuD?, where do you get all your energy? I get so overwhelmed and exhausted, and I'm not even in a caring profession.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/05/16 04:27 AM

I'm so proud of you ladies. I'll keep coming back, and maybe one day I can get there too.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/05/16 10:28 AM

Well, NED.
Mine are in college, only one home, so I don't have the same concerns you do.

If you knew me "pre" BD - you would have marked me up as one of the happiest people in the world. Even with the drama lama running around. I can't but help but believe that basic nature will come back. When my head kicks the cr@p out if my heart and gives it the "coming to Jesus" it deserves.

My attitude switched, as yours will, when you realize, fully realize what a raw deal you were handed on a silver platter, and how good looking cake is...
(Like Alice at the Mad Hatters table) smile
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/05/16 10:37 AM

Had to take today off work, I'm not Wonder Woman. Have to get new passport picture, take decree into passport office, change name.

GO to attorney office, sign off on QDRO - Attorney made it set up so he can't collect early on mine, he has to wait until I retire... - He also told me to work until I'm 80.. hehehe..
I believe I can collect on his early.

Pay DTE, Check on DD19 car, Fix the leak in my back tire, oil change, (diesels!).
Then home (got 8 pounds of 4 different kinds of mushrooms out of the clearance bin, mixed mushroom pierogi coming up.)
So, the polish lady is rolling pierogi today. Not telling DD23 - she will get angry if I don't make her potato cheese...

I think Hazelnut cake is sniffing out Raspberry cake. A lady will never tell...




Posted By: Blair

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/05/16 12:56 PM

Today sounds like it will be a fun day for you, after all the other fix-it stuff gets done. Enjoy all the pierogi. I'm kind of jealous that you have so much energy! smile
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/05/16 01:44 PM

We love pierogi, haven't learned how to make it yet. Yum!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/06/16 03:39 AM

Well, no pierogi, yet.....
Hazelnut took me out to dinner and a movie... he really stinks picking out shows,

talked a little bit more about his daily life. Again, I felt a few awkward moments, probably me trying to find out what this is all about..

still fun. I don't know how I feel at this point, I think that is perfectly normal.
Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/06/16 03:50 AM

Maybe you should have invited him over for pierogi making instead!

Of course that's a lot of pressure to make conversation. Maybe a little too much at this point. That's the kind of dates I like, but it's not for everyone.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/06/16 12:22 PM

Well, heres the thing, again. I am an artist that fires on senses. He is a big brain, although nice REALLY nice guy, seems a little, I don't know, hesitant.
BUT understand my 6th sense does not work appropriately.
Or, I scare the living shinola out of him.....
-- He thinks in black, white and grades of grey- I gladly fling paint...

Just cause I'm dressed to the 9's, got the girls cranked up and out for a show, DOES NOT mean anything more than that... (seriously, this dude has not made it to first base... smile .)

Even my mechanic was asking me where I was going yesterday. It has everything to do with your vibe, I guess....

Why? because once in awhile it's FUN. ...I deserve fun...

Mid life dating is awkward. People have lived through just SO MUCH..
(I found out his younger brother fell into a coma for 17 years before passing.) They were not aware of his diagnosis until too late. Can you imagine?

I do sense some chemistry here, but then again, I was never good with my chemistry set.... More like Whyle E. Coyote with that.

Still optimistic, but not sweating the details. Why? I don't know...
Apple Pie, Ice Cream Sundays, Willy Wonkas Living room....








Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/06/16 02:27 PM

Yeah, chemistry is tricky. When I was single I just slept with everyone I was attracted to and didn't worry about anything deeper so....

Yeah, probably NOT a good plan. Lol.

I'm a particularly odd duck when it comes to attraction, sex and love and the differences between them.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/07/16 03:46 AM

I wish I had a gauge. Since life is nonsense, I'm just rolling with it.
At least it gives me something more productive than XH shenanigans to worry about.

refreshing.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/08/16 02:37 PM

So, gent came over for tv, nice to just get to talk.

Since he never got back to me about the show this Saturday, I invited someone else. I fully understand his need for commitment to his daughter, - but now her car will not be ready until after the weekend ( he needs to trade her back cars at some point. I get it. Good dad! )

I certainly hope he was just not assuming that I'd hold onto that ticket, just in case he was going to be around.. (?)

My daughter 23 wants to go, so I got extra (yeah, future son in law too- AWKWARD - but will give us years of holiday conversations..) anyhew, gent one came over for tv/pizza lastnight, and daughter started texting about ticket/availability - apparently a few of her local friends want to go now, too.

Gent seemed shocked that his spot was not still there. (duh)
really, sincerely surprised. Entitlement? Clueless?

I mentioned before I AM NOT a "text me when you feel like meeting" kind of person, I don't know how many people who really are.
Posted By: NewEveryDay

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/08/16 03:48 PM

So true WuD I love how your confidence shows. I'm so glad you are here posting with us because it's contagious :-)

Sorry I was such a lump last week, had a bad cold and was overwhelmed. I got the place tidy over the weekend and feel like myself again thankfully.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/08/16 04:18 PM

Sorry you are feeling under the weather. I must be getting more allergic to dust- I'm sniffeling like a hedgehog after a turnip green. That makes me sleepy (can I just sleep until the dust settles out of the air? SAy. March?)

I cleaned my house up - amazing how much more you can rest if the cleaning is done...
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/09/16 11:31 PM

Let me tell ya, I've heard this before but never had a comparison... (or a reason to)
... nothing like standing up on your tippy toes and stretching to get a kiss...

besides that, life stank today. puppy ate my new glasses...
...maybe I will survive this divorce stuff...
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/10/16 01:56 PM

A kiss?
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/10/16 02:26 PM

clapping
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/10/16 02:30 PM

a very good kiss.

Here is a new one. Hazelnut and I were talking about life in general, and he was mentioning a phrase or code he used to indicate a topic was pushing buttons. I am very familiar with using other terms to indicate you are getting overly frustrated with a conversation.

I have heard of "tabling" a topic if it gets too heated, but in tabling, you have the option to come back to the issues when heads have cooled.

but in his world, from what I could gather, the topic is to be retreated from - dropped, and not referenced to, brought up or teased about - ever again.
No, we were not talking about anything specific,

is that weird? I really can't say I know enough info about this guy to judge..

Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/10/16 05:39 PM

I guess it just depends on how many such topics there were like that.

So how many dates have you been on with him?

Did I ever tell you Dh kissed me the first night he met me?
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/10/16 06:25 PM

Ha!
I don't know about this one. He seems to say one thing and behave another.

I'm really, glad to have met him, that there are really nice men, that are potential partners for me out there, - but he and I have a big disconnect on communication, apparently.

Probably because he text emails, I find those really easy to misinterpret. --
When I say "Is this what you mean?" - he acts a bit put out.
(I have said I'd rather talk on the phone, instead he will text all night - why don't you just call???)

- anyhew....

We'll see how he actually responds, I put very little faith in what people say, anymore - it's how they act that gets me..

But even if this is "one of the ones who get away", he it was a big forward movement for me, and I will always be happy we went out.
smile


Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/10/16 07:34 PM

AW shoot! smile

He sent an email, basically cutting things off, (I refuse to try to argue or contradict his assertions - all very polite and friendly toned..)
It seems really a 180 from his demeanor of yesterday, but
I don't know what I'm doing -- so, maybe I missed something big?

Do I send him a note back, saying "nice to know you?" or just ghost off? My inclination is to simply not respond, but like I said 5,000 times before, my 6th sense is way, way off.

This was a lot of fun, hopefully next gent is an easier match, but I don't think ANYTHING is easy anymore....

Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/10/16 07:42 PM

Sorry that happened - maybe he was seeing the same red flags you were, just in a different way.

Be tender with yourself for a few days. The first rejection after divorce - even if it's from a guy you don't know all that well and who you aren't sure you like - still stings a bit, with the potential to bring back a flood of other crappy memories.

I love your attitude about this, in general.
Posted By: holdingontoit

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/10/16 09:33 PM

My take: You are too fabulous. He realized that, and realized he is not ready for the level of commitment he knows he would rapidly fall into if hew allowed the relationship to continue. Next time, try to tone down your awesomeness!
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/10/16 09:39 PM

Sorry it didn't work out with guy #1. You'll want to number them, BTW. Al Turtle says you should plan to meet 100 potential matches. I believe he married #11.

I met or dated 53 guys from OkCupid. It was lots of fun. Then I met a guy when I bought his dining room table off Craigslist and we've been together for 3 years.

I always tried to be encouraging and friendly when things didn't work out. You can thank him for his honesty and the nice introduction to dating again. Wish him well, then next him.

I'm still in touch with several men I met and it's been 5 years.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/10/16 11:02 PM

I went out with 4 different men. Only did a second date with 1, and I married him smile (He was date #2...then didn't want to go out again...until 3 months later, when he did.) I was a little picky.

believer, I didn't realize you'd been dating someone for 3 years! Good for you.
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/10/16 11:08 PM

Originally Posted By: CajunRose
I went out with 4 different men. Only did a second date with 1, and I married him smile (He was date #2...then didn't want to go out again...until 3 months later, when he did.) I was a little picky.

believer, I didn't realize you'd been dating someone for 3 years! Good for you.



I didn't realize that either B. You need to keep us updated. wink

WUD, I would text a short th for your honesty.

Keep swimming. smile
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 12:04 AM

I mentioned him when I met him. He had a trestle table that expands to seat 12, or compacts to seat 4. He was telling me he was going to miss the table because of all of the memories of family meals and his kids doing their homework on it. He'd been divorced for 5 years.

He and a friend loaded the table into my truck and I had my dogs along for the ride. He told me there was a really cool place to walk dogs around the lake and asked if I wanted to walk my dogs with him and his pooch.

We became dog walking friends at first, then expanded to going out to listen to music, etc.

So, I never made it to #55.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 12:17 AM

Amazing-- We had been texting for weeks, met for four solid, good dates, - even yesterday he told me to pick out a Valentine Date plan...

I sent an email talking about my view of how he handles getting back to me.
I was not mean, nor demanding -- just giving my view - I really thought we would be past that point by now.
My bad! smile
He immediately sent an email back about "not wanting to argue".
(Really, this is a guy who says he wants the "truth")
- Just like George Carlin used to say, "People say they want the truth, until you TELL it to them. Then it's *uck You!"
haha.

HOTI - do you think I was coming on too strong? Well---

"I've got to be myself, I can't be no one else.....

I'm feeling supersonic
Give me gin and tonic
You can have it all
But how much do you want it?

You make me laugh
Give me your autograph....."
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 12:24 AM

Actually, the most insulting thing was that he didn't want to bother to debate..
>>> - I was not looking for a debate, Turdeo.....

PPPbbbssshttt..
Actually, I sent him a quick note back (did anyone here REALLY think I was going to ghost? I do not have that kind of self control.)

without apologizing, I quickly stated debating was not my intention, and thanked him for the dates, knowing it was my first "run out of the gates", (relax people, he never made it to first.)
and I told him I had a great time.... smile

...because I did!
Posted By: Blair

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 12:26 AM

Originally Posted By: whatsupdoc?
He seems to say one thing and behave another.


This is a huge red flag to me, because my STBX would do this. I guess the guy wanted only what HE wanted in the relationship and didn't care about the real you.

Keep working at dating, WuD. So proud of you going on these life adventures!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 12:34 AM

It was an orange flag at best. It really was fun, fun and fun.

Cranked the girls out and went full steam ahead.....
Problem is I LOVE nerdy guys.... I'm 100% right brained - Causes general confusion...
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 01:00 AM

believer, I'd never make it to #55. H*oly S#@t.
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 01:24 AM

Well, WUD, you don't have to make it to #55, just set 100 encounters as a goal. That way, the first 20 breakups won't discourage you!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 02:05 AM

yikes...
We seemed very compatible, thats all. >> His wife was a serial cheater... I really don't think the WS here have a clue about long term --
his xw had an affair, he forgave, then 3 years later left with a different gay lover.
(fwiw - I don't care what sex your partner is, cheating is cheating.)

He still seemed- 5 years later, affected by the affair - and they got along well for the divorce - during and after... He had a bit of anxiety about things he could not control = his mother aging, his friend drinking himself to death by bleeding out - fear of loosing your mind when you are older -- none of these things he could control - why he wasted any time obsessing - i don't know... poor guy..

I understand it - but reject it, too.

He was very, very guarded about those things... maybe I missed another mid life crises by an inch...

Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 12:17 PM

Both DD's think he's going to change his mind and contact again - but IDK - nice vote of confidence from the girls.

They both HATE online introductions - in any form. But they are running around campus with 10,000 single age appropriate men all around them. How else am I going to locate a dude? I'm as picky as heck.

Surprisingly, I feel really good today, thought I'd be a bit more down. I had a great experience, - I'll take it!

(But it did take about 3 weeks for my despair over David Bowie passing to hit. My generational hero, artist, gender bending acceptance model and human rights advocate....
Bawled like a baby during/playing "Starman" about a week ago....)

Posted By: Blair

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 01:40 PM

David Bowie was such a fantastic artist. I listened to only his music for a week straight to cope with his passing.

The guy may contact you later on, who knows? B has a great suggestion to keep going for 100 encounters. And enjoy the process as you meet them! It is an adventure!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 02:43 PM

OK. French twist, makeup on, eyes forward - sit up straight.

Deleted texts, (notice I did not block his number, tho- since I never saved him, there is no way for me to check)
Deleted all email communication - to prevent going back over -

blocked his profile on the online website, >> hopefully that means he can not see my profile. Fink! -- deleted all this emails on there, too, so I am not tempted to send any communication?

Vets, anything else I should do?
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 07:25 PM

You might want to try Meetup.com, depending on the size of your town. I still go to some groups. The nice thing is you can go by yourself and meet others with similar interests, but if you don't feel like going one evening, it doesn't matter.

Other than that, if you are on OKCupid, refresh or change your profile several times a week and make different searches. It brings new people to your profile.
Posted By: strongerone

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 08:06 PM

I hope you don't mind me jumping in....I've read along some....I say....never tone down your awesomeness! The right one will appreciate it.

That said....I've been with #9 for a year. The other 8 were a range of time frames. ...from 1 date to 1 year.
Posted By: holdingontoit

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 08:48 PM

Relationships that end are not failures. They are data points. They weren't mistakes. They were experiments. There are no failed experiments. All experiments produce data. If you don't keep experimenting, you won't generate any new data. Keep experimenting!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 11:17 PM

My 6th sense was wonky. How do you go from "what's the Valentines plan?" to
dump truck in a few hours?
short wine, long bath.....

Thanks for the input. I have no idea how someone could/would throw away an incredibly positive start (his words) in one email....
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 11:17 PM

Data input #1. I like kissing really tall men....
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/11/16 11:20 PM

Stronger:
like the graphic. Welcome. Help the clueless.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/12/16 02:02 AM

Yikes. Too much information is available on dating sites. Early today I deleted all prior Hazelnut cake messages, from my inbox- to resist temptation to ruminate, and "blocked" contact from this user.

Just felt creepy being able to see photo/profile.
Don't really care for him to see mine, either....
Went on, for giggles, guess who shows up, first thing, in my "top 10"? Yup - him
smirk

Apparently. blocking contact does nothing to stop profile info from coming up in my feed. Great. Also shows he was just online!!! too much info -- this is not helping me....

Felt so positive about the connection even happening, for my own hearts sake - I was not really "sad" about it ending. Glad to know Frankenheart can still flutter...
Now I'm feeling a little upset, (we texted about this time at night....)
It was not very long - 5 or so weeks...but - how long does THIS moodiness last????

sheesh, a lady can't catch a break with an outfielders glove around here!! smile
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/12/16 02:37 AM

The only mistake you made was too much communication by text and email before you met. Online dating requires a thick skin and doing it by the numbers. Just think of him as #1 and on to the next one.

I did the same thing and got extremely attached to unsuitable men. One was a ferry boat driver in Estonia of all places. He drove the boat across the Baltic Sea and was online the whole time. He was wicked-smart and I never met him, though he did invite me to the music festival there.

Another one was Joe, who was a web designer in San Diego. His job
involved lots of sitting around and running whatever. He PMd and texted me constantly. However, he had the habit of not asking me out until the last minute, which didn't work for me. I had a very hard time letting him go. It took me almost a year.

The good news is that he married the next woman he found on OkCupid. My complaints, which he called ridiculous, made him decide to change his ways, and he's happily married.

My best advice is to chat a bit, then meet up. You'll meet a lot of unsuitable men that way, but at least won't get attached too early.

Be yourself on your profile, and it helps to heavily hint about your interests. Instead of saying you love sushi or enjoy films, be very specific. Tell them you're dying to see The Revenant, and have the chronic rolls at that little hole in the wall at 5th and Pine.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/12/16 12:05 PM

Thank you! Solid advice!

I think it was an outstanding first round of dates, comparred to the horror stories I have heard, with a very appropriate gent for me, it just simply did not work out, on his side, for a long run...

But I did get to have the feelins associated with the beginnings of a crush....


Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/12/16 04:36 PM

I have been thinking about the "tuning back my natural fabulosity" part. Maybe I should....

I teach every day. I animatedly talk to 150 people daily. If there is not a group laugh at some point in my lecture, I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I'm just a performer, after all...

ON one hand, I love that I don't seem to be dragging past horrible experience with the divorce into other relationships.
I thought it would be harder than that. But I've not been INVOLVED yet.

For what I can tell, I'm content to let XH stunts start and stay with his carcass, I don't expect other dudes to be repeat offenders. I hope I don't learn otherwise the hard way.

- even the ones I only talk to friendly like -

I was pleasantly surprised to have such a positive, natural reaction going out on the dates with cake contender #1.

Nervous, giddy, no dread at all... - No, I was NOT thinking long term, a woman can not LIVE on CAKE alone - but I'd sure like to try for awhile.... smile

but I WAS really enjoying the company, and growing "crushing"...
In fact, so much that I do not mind being "thrown back into the sea", so much ....
> "It was fun, Chump! See ya later, Schnozzle!" < smile

Apparently, I'm very good at living in the moment, for the moment.

Does that make me abnormal? ALL men seem to say they want honesty, and don't want games, drama, not being over your x," but, surprisingly, when they are faced with it, they don't know how to react, I'm finding...

I've always known there is no one Mr. Right. There are 50,000 potential Mr. Rights, it's just your ability to find one, and your dedication to that relationship that matters.

I bought the old dog lock, stock and barrel. Winds up, I made a bad bet... does not mean that other bets will turn out the same way...
Onward and upward.
Posted By: strongerone

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/12/16 04:49 PM

I still say....don't tone yourself down. &#128522;

The problem I had with anyone saying they don't like drama....This people generally caused drama! And thrived on it. Maybe what I saw as drama wasn't drama to them??
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/12/16 05:25 PM

They are slightly judging you AND putting you in your place when they say "no drama!"
LIFE is drama, if you are lucky and not a vegetable.. It's how you react to drama that makes or breaks your character.

I find people are really weird. When you first meet them, pay attention to what they say - they are usually 180 from that opinion.
I'm drama free = Oh, please! turns out they are queens.
I'm pretty open to anything = they talk about themselves 24/7
It's really, really weird, but fun to note.

So, what is it that I tell people about me? The stuff that I'm probably a 180 on? Not telling! But very insightful.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/13/16 01:01 PM

Meeting a new one for quick breakfast. Roll out name ... coffeecake.

Don't know too much bout him, but in conjunction with the the keep swimming advice - here I go.... smile Cinnabons away! >yuck, yuck, yuck.<

Will test my new theory (that people are really the opposite of how they describe themselves- ) after checking out his data... Like Jane Goodall and the chimps, I will go collect data.....
Posted By: Blair

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/13/16 01:49 PM

Good for you collecting data with CoffeeCake!

Don't dilute the real you when you are meeting other people. Your brillance needs to shine. Keep working until you find a man who is confident and comfortable in his own skin that he will want a hot babe like you who is also crazy smart about so many other things. Be You!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/13/16 05:04 PM

Well, that was... interesting..
He shows up with a hershey kiss, Valentines Day Card and a Birthday Card (He saw from my sign my birthday was close!) Geez!
All in good intent - got to give the guy props for trying...

As my eyes slide carefully toward the door...

Still a lot of fun, one and done, don't know how I'll extricate myself from this one..
He may think were talking again...

UUUUUUgh. I said "thanks for meeting!" as I left... I don't think I'm interested - I don't know if he is... do I just delete the email?

Of course, Hazelnut pops up again in my feed - does the guy ever get offline? laugh1

- I wish I could delete both these gents ( or at least hide myself from both - ) I can block contact, but not profile from showing up... baad juju -- I'f I'm to set a goal of meeting 100 -- yuck/yikes - I imagine there will be a lot of this, huh????
Data collection: Coffeecake; Don't bring gifts to a first meeting - really embarrasses and creeps people out...
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/13/16 05:38 PM

Oh wow.

That made me cringe.

Keep swimming.
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/13/16 07:17 PM

On to number three. At least he didn't show up drunk. Count your blessings.

You can let him know that he's not a match and wish him well.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/14/16 12:07 PM

Had a really good time at the Dirty Show.
People are CRAZY...

I mean, crazy. What happens there, stays there..

..But this pieces of this poor gals dress just kept falling off all night!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/15/16 11:11 AM

Well, I basically didn't leave the house yesterday. I was trying to not trigger with all the Valentines stuff going on -- hey, I don't mind it, more power to you...but just don't want to fall down memory lane, which I was.

Both daughters gave flowers. both boys dating my daughters brought gifts, very big haul for all around...

Staying out of the stores today too...hope everyone survived! smile
Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/15/16 02:15 PM

could have been worse, I suppose for me.

I think it's a difficult holiday for so many people. I really loathe it. I don't even like it that much when I'm NOT having relationship difficulties. It just sets people who are IN a relationship up for disaster if they can't attain "perfection", and shines a bright light on people who don't have.

What a nightmare! It should be abolished really...

I'm glad you were able to avoid the pit of despair.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/15/16 04:17 PM

I like Valentines Day, really. Over the top gooey, cheap candies, tacky decorations, as long as you keep it in its "mental place and perspective" it's a lot of fun!

I have the next few days off school. So I have to leave the house sometime, just don't want the Valentine clearance avalanche to overtake me... maybe home depot!
Whoever gave me the heads up about the first dating/rejection after a divorce, thanks.. It did hit me more melancholy than it needed to, I think, - and I remembered that piece of advice and it helped make sense of it all.

It will certainly make me more guarded, but I certainly don't want to be like these burnt divorcees men I've met. I'm not that guarded a person... even after my pathetic divorce... will have to wait and see..

WuD.
Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/15/16 04:35 PM

I think if you don't have a bitter heart, you won't get one.

Some people just don't HAVE that in them. You don't. I don't either. I mean I got really REALLY shut down when my first fiancée died. But I wasn't bitter. I was just... I don't know how to describe it, broken, I guess.

But I wasn't bitter. I don't have that. No matter what bullshinola my husband does, I keep bouncing back up. Some of us float... or bounce, or whatever.

That's just how we're made. I think that's you, WUD. You bounce.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/15/16 07:39 PM

I love that, Miranda - some people get bitter, and some people bounce.

I'm a bouncer too. (Not the scary kind. Ok, sometimes the scary kind.)

Sometimes I get down, sometimes I have trouble seeing the light, but I always swim my way back there.

You're going to be fine, WUD.

Really smile
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/15/16 07:52 PM

So many flowers it looks like a hookers parlor in here..(not that I've ever been to one).
but I've seen movies!

6 bouquets, wine, candies, cards and "kisses"...that does not include what DD19 hauled in... like I said before, tacky, but fun!!!!
Even the puppy got a pink stuffed thing, now torn up and degutted in living room... so much for that. So what she thinks about Valentines..

Future son in law, "Mr. Love", made his first batch of beer - (I gave him brew kit a year ago.) Name of concoction he gave me? (Love potion #1)

We are all surviving... bouncing like a third party checks... yup.
Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/15/16 08:48 PM




^^^^^^

Posted By: FashionBarbie

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/15/16 10:20 PM

I love Valentine's Day!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/17/16 12:29 PM

Well, made it through another milestone relatively unscathed.

Glad I had a few days extra off (winter break), basically bummed around, I should have straightened something more up. BUT I had three "missions", accomplished all. (get back with garage on diesel fuel tank, learn to fill myself, reset gage, get back with AAA about mini torte they owe me.(I will NEVER have anything to do with AAA - they are horrible at customer service!)
taxes, pay a few bills and some house errands.

I thought something bad had happened to out family dog, I freaked out, because I USED to have a husband/partner to freak out to... looked around, only me... had to step up and handle it before my DD19 came home... << THAT thought sent me off the deep blue...
But dumb doggie woke himself up, just fine, and rolled over went back to sleep...

But I handled it, and I knew with great relief, that I was 100% up to the challenge if I need to.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/18/16 11:32 PM

So, shortcake emails. hehehe. Not my ideal, we are approximately the same height...
IDK - his other attributes are attractive, so-- why not?
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/19/16 12:18 AM

Eh, my ex was 6 inches taller than me, and I liked having a guy taller than I was.

My current H is .5 inch taller than I am (on a good day)...and I like being able to look in his eyes without getting a crick in my neck. (Luckily he doesn't care if I wear heels - but dating him gave me an excuse to buy more flats!)

I ruled out the guys who lied about their height.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/19/16 01:46 AM

I think it would stink to be a short male in out society. I don't think I'm going to like it, BUT who really knows?

emailing a little bit this eve. The guy works some scary huge long hours.
That for me is probably going to be the real deal breaker, more so than a physical attribute. He seems to think he has time for dating, but working 60 hours a week, I hardly see how.... yikes/

I've been a union thug way too long, I guess...
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/19/16 04:25 AM

I'll never understand the crazy attraction to height. I used to have it. Now, I don't.

I'm 5'7", and my sons' father is 6'2". Both sons are tall. My second husband was 6'2" and he left me for the OW who was under 5 ft.

Nick, whom I met online was 5'5" and wicked smart. My ex-fiance was 5' 4" and probably the love of my life.

My 30-year-old roommate is 5 ft tall and has a thing for very tall dolts. She's accomplished and smart. They aren't. It's very painful to watch.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/19/16 12:41 PM

Hmm. Red flag city. We were emailing back/forth I still can't get over the amount of hours he works, with two teenage kids.
He can work up to 14 hour shifts. 5 or 6 days a week, depending.

Truth came out. He only sees them about once a month.. (they live about 3 hours away.) He and his XW were "mad hatters" - both cheated in the marriage, his was a revenge affair, or so he claims.

They do not get along now - at all. AMAZING how you can sniff this stuff out after you have been the BS.

Worse is he seems to accept this (seeing his 14 year old son and daughter 2 days a month) as not a problem or even an issue, and thinks he has a lot of free time for a date... :?

I agreed to meet him at the Art Museum on Sunday. Don't think I can back out now...



Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/19/16 02:16 PM

Originally Posted By: whatsupdoc?
Hmm. Red flag city. We were emailing back/forth I still can't get over the amount of hours he works, with two teenage kids.
He can work up to 14 hour shifts. 5 or 6 days a week, depending.

Truth came out. He only sees them about once a month.. (they live about 3 hours away.) He and his XW were "mad hatters" - both cheated in the marriage, his was a revenge affair, or so he claims.

They do not get along now - at all. AMAZING how you can sniff this stuff out after you have been the BS.

Worse is he seems to accept this (seeing his 14 year old son and daughter 2 days a month) as not a problem or even an issue, and thinks he has a lot of free time for a date... :?

I agreed to meet him at the Art Museum on Sunday. Don't think I can back out now...





Sure you can. Sounds like my Xh. He is fine with seeing his son twice a month.

A very different situation from my husband who is devastated by not being able to see his older son.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/19/16 02:45 PM

Yeah, he sounds like someone whose values aren't going to line up with yours.

One of my non-negotiables was that the person I dated would have a commitment to family. They all SAY that their families are their number 1 priority, but actions often say differently.
Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/19/16 02:49 PM

I'm 5'0" I used to EXCLUSIVELY date guys who were 6'0" or more. I mean not like I had a rule, it's just how it worked out. That's where my attraction was. Then I started deliberately dating against type (maybe should NOT have done it, looking back there were a lot of mistakes made right about there, idk)

Now I'm over it. My attraction triggers are all over the place. Tall and lanky can do it, but so can Robert Downey Jr. It's situational. For me it's a lot more to do with the entire person than the parts at this stage of the game. How well do all the elements combine to make the meal, ya know?
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/19/16 02:51 PM

To me it's math. There are 24 hours in a day. You work 10 - 12, commute, decompress, get your household chores done....
That leaves you about , hmmm. 30 minutes for a "siggy"

I'm worth more than that...

I'm upset that I only see my 23 y/o about once every 4 to 5 weeks..- but she's in medical school and engaged now... smile

Your KIDS should not be an afterthought...
Posted By: holdingontoit

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/19/16 02:56 PM

WuD: Your kids are important to you. You want to date a guy whose kids are important to him. That makes a lot of sense.

Heck, what about whether you are willing to date a guy who does not have any kids? Probably won't end up to be a good match for you but who knows? Maybe he is infertile but loves kids? Lots of fish in the sea and not always clear in advance which ones are right for you.

Data points. All these e-mails and dates are data points. None are failures. The ones that don't work out merely confirm the kinds of guys you do NOT want to date.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/21/16 08:21 PM

AAAAnd I blew it. Left my phone at home, running late - according to hostess he left as I walked in.. I felt like a huge lump.

Since I still had no phone, I had lunch, hoping he'd turn up - then drove all the way home - to email my apology. I NEVER do such a thing....

Datapoints: Don't agree to meet gents you are not really interested in meeting. (I kind of think my mind sort of tricked me. I never do this.....)
ALWAYS remember your phone - for safety and other reasons.
Apologize ( I sent two quick apologies, taking 100% of the blame. -- explained - ) then forget it.....

Shortcake, a swing and a miss! (believer - do I count him in my #'s?)
Posted By: ohmy_marie

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/21/16 08:53 PM

Aaaahhhh.... bonus!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/21/16 09:36 PM

?
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/21/16 10:24 PM

I still feel shady about that. I'm being too hard on myself.

Whoops.... Apparently next in line (what is it with all the attention lately?) -- I believe is an attorney ('dems da worst kind! ) -Little help with the type of cake????
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/22/16 04:06 AM

You can't count someone you haven't met, so scratch the short guy.
BTW, you do need to do better and treat those you are meeting like you would want to be treated. Don't get in so much of a hurry to get through the first 100 this month.

As for the attorney, I suppose it depends on what kind. I crossed them all out because my sister is a litigator and now partner in a law firm. She has no life.

She makes good money and does get time off, but on the firm's schedule, usually November and December.

Eight years ago, she bought a house. When it came time to pack and move, she was on a court case and worked 16 hours a day. I flew up to Seattle and did her packing, moving and setting up the new house.

When my father and mother were dying, she was on court cases and only visited an hour every couple of weeks. She never met any of the hospice workers, wasn't around when my parents died.

So, if you want a partner who is available for the important things in life, skip some attorneys.

As an aside, my sister found out she won a huge appeal she had been working on for 5 years the morning after my mother died. It was over 20 million dollars. In fact, she found out about her victory before she found out our mother had died.

It was very bittersweet.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/22/16 12:27 PM

One positive thing about the divorce/being BS is you learn (after doing the pick me dance and all of the personal responsibility/reflection inventories) you learn to take your lumps when they are deserved. Take them, apologize if needed and leave it at that. Data points, all.

I did put all the effort in for the meeting, I checked for email that morning - nothing, I got ready, drove 30 minutes, waited, went to the next meeting spot - waited, then went home to get to the internet to apologize.
It was not like I just blew the meeting off.....

Cosmic screw up. 100% my fault. oooofff.

About the flurry of attention -- I don't know - I have been window shopping for months with absolutely ZERO prospects, recently, there are a flurry, I don't get it. I imagine it will go back to all quiet soon.
I had a friend describe her experience as such....

When it's not fun anymore, I'll stop for awhile..

That's terrible about your sister's job sucking the air out of her life. Long work hours were a huge issue in my marriage, - (probably why OW was attractive, co- worker he saw all the time.)

So workaholics are always a red flag on my radar. Blue collars are just as susceptible to this as white...
Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/22/16 01:48 PM

You have to look for someone with a healthy commitment to work/life balance, imo.

I have a tendency towards workaholism. I am very aware of it. It gets much worse when my relationship is struggling. The cure? Strong commitment to work/life balance. Never, EVER letting the workaholism getting the upper hand, even when I'm tempted to do so, because when I'm most tempted to do so, it's a sign that something else is going on...
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/22/16 07:50 PM

I agree that I should have been a bit more cautious before meeting, heck, on one hand, it's only coffee, but on the other, there was absolutely 0% chance I'd give this guy a chance..

The work thing, the kid thing, and he is a non compliant diabetic.
My sister is a non compliant diabetic, what I mean by that is she refuses to follow a diet, exercise, stop smoking or take proper care of herself. IT IS A terrible condition that only worsens...
Especially with the attitude of the person with it. This gent works god horrible hours, and stress is a major factor in diabetic health care.... maybe he has some magic medicine, but if it is the diabetes I know, it gets horrible unmanaged.


Next.... smile
Posted By: Blair

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/22/16 11:45 PM

A big fat NO to anyone who refuses to take care of their health. Because really, that's how much they care about themselves and care about being someone's partner in life.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/24/16 06:20 PM

I agree to the health issue. Amazing that when we were "kids" dating, no one really even knew about our health issues, so it didn't even enter into the spectrum. Now it's like a checklist of ailments! ROFL

(Can you see like going on a date is like forms in as a new patient at a doctors office? "Please fill out these forms and health survey. Leave the pen on the clipboard and bring it back to the desk when you are done!")

[i]Shortcake sent another email, I explained again then removed myself from his search. [i]

Supposed to be meeting another gent, but we have a miserable storm warning in my area for today and tomorrow. Since he offered to drive to my town, I sent an email yesterday offering a "no penalty no foul" postponement due to the weather. Since my car just had $3,600 in slip sliding fender bender damage, I'm more respectful of mother nature, lately. smile

I'm surprised they held school today...

So far he's adamant that he will be there.... (ha! lived in Michigan long? We are the bi polar weather state....)

I'm holding off on responding until he confirms his intention or departure. I would not blame anyone for not wanting to go out in this mess...


Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/25/16 02:49 AM

Had a good time tonight... not for the reasons you would normally expect. Everything was going great until he started talking about his personal relationships.... then I couldn't get my jaw out of my lap.
Like watching a Netflicks movie...

At one point, he kept saying "You're such a good listener! I'm sorry I'm babbling, but you are such a good listener!" .... because I couldn't think of anything constructive to say! Wow... I've live a sheltered life, folks...

He was very complimentary, it was nice to hear he thought I looked better in person than my profile pics..(who else would I look like?).

Extremely well connected, educated successful man. Good conversationalist. Crazy off the board in personal relationships... but quite entertaining to listen to.

wow... just wow.
Data: Never talk about your divorce on first date... but if other guy will, you can learn a whole lot about them, quickly!

Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/25/16 04:30 PM

Some people don't seem to have much self-awareness.

I met a guy that had just broken up with a long-time girlfriend. On the phone I cautioned him that maybe he wasn't ready to date just yet. He insisted he was completely over "Jenny".

We met for coffee and the street fair. He proceeded to let me know that Jenny liked lots of cream in her coffee, too. Jenny was my height and size, but Jenny's hair was shorter. Jenny loved the street fair, and he bought her a dress at that stall, a picture of the ocean like that one, oh, and she loved the fresh fish sold on the corner...

It was HORRIBLE.

I have a new male roommate who told me he reads a lot, doesn't watch TV, would exchange pleasantries, but kept to himself.

Well, I haven't seen him with a book yet, he watches about 6 hours of TV daily, and he's very sociable, often seeking me out to talk. He is the complete opposite of how he sees himself.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/25/16 06:20 PM

Hehehe. I think people present opposite. I don't know if they realize they are fooling themselves.

I didn't talk about my situation, except positive/future, after dinner, I almost expected him to say; "You want me to have your xh ticketed and audited for the next 20 years?"

He knows people I'd like to punch in the face (Big chief lead water), so I got to have a conversation about the politics of city managers, and the bankruptcy issues concerning cities in my state. So, it was fun for the union thug to have a friendly debate with the corporate counsel. Not a fit. But an interesting dinner.

I don't think he realizes how absolutely odd his situation is...
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/27/16 05:20 PM

Whoop. Just got another "hello" email that was basically a complaint...

My profile is too long to read.
(consider it a literacy test.)
This guy is sick of "games".
(put away the Parcheesi)
This guy is sick of "drama".
(you mean "giving you a hard time", or have other opinions?0


Smart women, I imagine ARE more "difficult" to deal with... why would someone even bother to send such a message? ????
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/27/16 05:54 PM

Originally Posted By: whatsupdoc?
Whoop. Just got another "hello" email that was basically a complaint...

My profile is too long to read.
(consider it a literacy test.)
This guy is sick of "games".
(put away the Parcheesi)
This guy is sick of "drama".
(you mean "giving you a hard time", or have other opinions?0


Smart women, I imagine ARE more "difficult" to deal with... why would someone even bother to send such a message? ????


So weird.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 02/27/16 07:44 PM

I'm sure he does not realize what it sounds like. He really was trying to say "hi".

Data: Be positive.. when you state a criticism, people tend to think you are criticizing them.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/02/16 07:32 PM

Just when I decided to "reel it back in" a bit, a speed dating event I checked into (a few months ago at the behest of a friend) contacted me and has spots for ladies at an event tomorrow. I imagine trying to equalize.

What kind of men sign up for this? (they must be thinking what kind of women do - haha.)

"friend" (hopefully not a soon former friend) says it is a good way to start talking to potential dating partners.

I tend to do 1000 watts or stunned silence... maybe in need to figure what medium is... ?

She also liked that there was feedback (I don't know what kind) that she found very helpful.

Looked into it months ago, wait listed, then forgot the entire thing. 8 weeks later --

hhhhhmmm. hhhmmmm. Probably not. Oh, why not? Probably not. Oh, why not?

Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/02/16 07:55 PM

I tend to think "why not?"

Really what's the harm? Could be fun. Nothing ventured...
Posted By: DBeedone

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/03/16 12:42 AM

I for one will be interested to hear how it goes. I'm living vicariously thru you WUD. I'm still in the midst of my sh#t storm.
It's the terrible limbo between abandonment and divorce. Nervously wondering how much more terrible my old best friend can get and dreaming of the bitter sweet relief it will be to have this divorce over.
I check daily for updates from you and AllyCat, Roxanne and a few others that signed up around the same time frame. The stories and advice get me thru my days. Thanks for that!!
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/03/16 02:29 AM

I am sorry you are still in limbo. I think this stage is terrible. I should know, I'm still in it... (well, my head is out and in the game, but my emotions are still tied.)

Monstering strips the dignity out of a once decent person, and devastates any and everything it touches. I completely rescripts your very memories of the person you knew... >sigh<.

I hope your stbxh stays somewhat reasonable to you. I really do.

The only good thing, in this trial by blowtorch, is LBS do tend to reinvent themselves quicker, or so I'm told because you have little choice...

speed dating...
I will go and report back, (did any of you think I would not?)... like Jane Goodall of Detroit observing urban Bonobos chimp behavior in a forced social setting. I shall leave my binoculars and field kit at home, though....

Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/03/16 02:55 PM

lol, you're such a hoot, WUD.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/03/16 03:59 PM

I'm a Hoot. That's a hoot...

I have 8 years of "collerge..." know what I do for a living?

Today I'm painting the Mystery Machine, Scooby Doo, Shaggy on plywood cut outs for photo ops for the dance....

“And how do you know that you're mad? "To begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. You grant that?" I suppose so, said Alice.
"Well then," the Cat went on, "you see a dog growls when it's angry, and wags it's tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.”

“Oh, you can't help that,' said the cat. 'We're all mad here.”
Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/03/16 04:19 PM

Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/04/16 02:41 AM

Oh. My. Gawd
Posted By: Miranda

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/04/16 01:47 PM

What? did I do something wrong.....
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/04/16 01:52 PM

No. Speed dating. (or as I came to call it "Dr. WuD's 5 minute counseling session" - What a trip... grin
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/04/16 02:48 PM

You are way braver than me. I can't imagine much good coming out of speed dating.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/04/16 04:29 PM

It was very interesting. Never again, but now I can say I went. I fell into the "good listener" mode. Think a room full of people with Asperger's syndrome, with drinks and a timer....

One poor SOB started tearing up just talking about his divorce/wife -- from FOUR years ago. Gave him some sage advice, "Maybe stop trying to force your kids into forgiving their mother."

I knew right there and then, I really, REALLY don't want to be like that guy. Obviously in a tremendous amount of pain, years later... It was a important moment for me. Worth the drive.

I don't know how, I don't know when or why, but I am not going to be emotionally destroyed by this action years later....

Saturday Night Live could not have picked out a better line up.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/04/16 04:30 PM

Originally Posted By: CajunRose
You are way braver than me. I can't imagine much good coming out of speed dating.


No guts, no gory -- I mean glory... ROFL
Posted By: BBski

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/04/16 08:24 PM

I'm with CR with regard to your bravery, not only with speed dating but dating in general. A year and a half out from D and I still feel like I will be perfectly happy by myself.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/05/16 02:19 AM

BB; I only felt tempted to communicate back to gents really recently...
I have not had a conversation, nor anything except monstering from xh in about 2 years...

Everyone told me "you will know if/when you are ready". They were right. I was just SO delighted to go out, have fun, (had not been to a movie in 1 1/2 years) and let gents fawn a little bit has been great. Positive, even the bad dates were still interesting people.

When I could focus on a conversation with another guy, without feeling guilty, or comparing or thinking about xh - at all... almost made me giddy... I'll take the respite, gladly.

Really liked one, had nice conversations, at least, with the others...

I was a little disappointed in the speed dating results, a third wanted to meet again. (I said no to all, but if they liked you, they let you know.) I'd thought it went better than that. - so I am missing some cues.. data, data, data... there is a comedy skit in there, somewhere...

I think I'm taking a break... my emotions have been all over the boards lately... so I should quiet it down... I need to concentrate on something else, I guess.. Scrabble.

Unless that builder wants to go see Deadpool. That I might do. selfcare
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/06/16 05:39 AM

Another nice evening. The movie was a terrible choice, my pick, ;( --but kinda funny.

I enjoyed the company, don't know if its a big match, but I'd certainly go out with him again.
We did not talk about seeing each other again, and he seems really shy in person, (which is the opposite of what he said about himself .. smile so I'll have to see... Is that the new normal? First guy didn't respond for a day or two, I wasn't sure he was going to, DATA: Work on ways to end a conversation positively! I have no gage anymore what dudes think about me...

Got a great haircut/color today, felt really positive..bringing my "A" game. I'm oddly content going into this expecting nothing.. just enjoying...

forward motion. I'm expecting it to be quiet for awhile.
nod so much better than thinking about xh.

Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/06/16 09:32 PM

I'm like you, WUD. After waiting around for my husband for over three years, dating was wonderful.

I remember one of the first guys I went out with who was a cowboy type from Texas, completely not my type, but just enjoying dinner with someone who was interested was heaven.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/06/16 11:27 PM

I thought I was going to have a harder time transitioning into dating ( I know this is just a date, relationships are another matter.) So far I just feel neutral. I'll take that feeling, any day over the drama of the last few years.

I'm not kidding myself, I know I have not reached "meh" about everything, but after having another two years ripped off my life, I think that's about enough misery.

Another benefit is that this is the first time I can talk about my past with some neutral to kind memories. Of course, I can't cut out my x husband out of my memories, but I at least didn't shudder or stall about talking about my past... baby steps.
I'm trying to put my relationship with xh into some kind of perspective.. I was happy married, but I am a happy person. I'll be happy again. I have to hope.
Posted By: holdingontoit

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/07/16 02:34 PM

WuD: Of course you will be happy again. many studies show that happiness tends to have a "set point". People tend to return to their base level of happiness no matter what life throws at them. I will always struggle to be anything other than despondent. You will have to fight to avoid returning to your basically happy person. My suggestion: don't fight it! wink
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/07/16 03:10 PM

HOTI: My internal compass has forever been changed. I would like to feel that I will be that person again... but I have my doubts...

I am a happy teacher - guy next door is miserable. Same job, same kids.

I was happily married. Happily a home owner, chef and bottle washer.

I'm GLAD that my daughters are flying stars... Happy to raise them, happy to see them go off and succeed at college. -- other teacher friends are depressed to be empty nesters...

To hear xh describe it. I was an emotional abuser, physical abuser, verbal abuser, alcoholic, (my best friend of 25 years have never seen me drink.) "pill popper", spend a holic, bad driver and a UN traitor, miscreant and a cheat on my taxes...
(Apparently he told anyone who would listen for years behind my back...arse.)

All these reasons required him to have an affair and leave.

It causes one pause.... smirk
Not how I see myself at all...
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/07/16 04:59 PM

Mr. Sushi sent an email today, but he wrote it obviously before the date Saturday, he was talking movie times.

Does that really happen anymore? aol server?

Obviously he's fishing, (playing oopsie!)
or he's doing the worlds LARGEST "DOH!" head slap right now...

I prefer to imagine the head slap... slap, slap slap.
better imagery.
hehehehehe.
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/07/16 05:18 PM

I am who I am.

You are who you are.

Revel in being your unique you, and one day you'll find a man who appreciates that.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/07/16 06:00 PM

Originally Posted By: CajunRose
I am who I am.

You are who you are.

Revel in being your unique you, and one day you'll find a man who appreciates that.

I'm more amused than anything.. > I was neutral - leaning to "nah" on this guy... scratch
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/09/16 12:25 PM

A very good aspect of online profiles... they tell more about the person then they realize.
This gent who keeps posting to me has it all, education, looks great attitude, well spoken..

But he trains mixed martial arts fighters..in fact, he owns the facility..

Nope... nope...no and no.

I was at a fight ONCE ... horrible excuse for a sport. Since when is kicking someone in the throat a sport?

My Synesthesia not only shows me colors at sounds, but watching others receive pain also cause a reaction. My throat gets a lump in it when I see a kick to the head...

I always thought my "empathy bone" was more sensitive than some, now I understand where it comes from...


next.

Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/09/16 04:27 PM

Originally Posted By: whatsupdoc?
A very good aspect of online profiles... they tell more about the person then they realize.
This gent who keeps posting to me has it all, education, looks great attitude, well spoken..

But he trains mixed martial arts fighters..in fact, he owns the facility..

Nope... nope...no and no.

I was at a fight ONCE ... horrible excuse for a sport. Since when is kicking someone in the throat a sport?

My Synesthesia not only shows me colors at sounds, but watching others receive pain also cause a reaction. My throat gets a lump in it when I see a kick to the head...

I always thought my "empathy bone" was more sensitive than some, now I understand where it comes from...


next.



And it is excellent that you recognize that about yourself.

I am the same way about violent 'sports'. Ugh. Just no.
Posted By: StormyK

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/28/16 02:32 PM

Wud, did you catch that study that was released that "codifies" the optimum human paradigm used to make selections such as you are in search of your ideal "cake", when they are presented sequentially, and once rejected, cannot be reconsidered? (Seriously, the study says this is how humans actually operate!)

The entire theory depends on you having at least a glimmer of how many total choices you might have in reality. In your mind, then, let's arbitrarily assign that you (or anyone) would imagine that you would envision having the 100 potential target candidates that someone mentioned. What seems to happen is that the candidates are processed (without choosing any) until roughly 38% have been examined. Then the human brain continues with candidates 39 and up, selecting the first subsequent candidate that is considered superior to the average of the first 38.

Obviously, the system is not perfect, (Mr Wonderful might have been #1, and skipped; Mr Acceptable might be #53, with Mr Wonderful sitting unfound at # 57), but the math theory shows that in 80% of the cases, the choice is in the top 80% of the available options.

Not sure how this can specifically help, but as you drive through this process, imagine you and the next Mr ????cake are subconsciously using the model. Remember, you might be in HIS initial 38%, as likely as he is in yours!
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/28/16 05:42 PM

That's really interesting, Stormy.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/29/16 10:25 AM

I just posted to a gent attempting to recover something akin to this:

"There is no "one Mrs. Right" for anyone. There are hundreds or thousands of partners in the world that could be a fit for you. Your AP has no special powers or hold on you, neither does your current wife - to tell the truth.

It is the person you put the effort into the relationship with that becomes your family.

Your wife has a track record of love (and a forgiving nature) and seems willing to be able to still consider you family by putting in the effort to keep you as a partner.
If you don't want her as a family any more - you need to make the dignified choice.

Maybe your AP was another potential partner, at on point, but the choices you both made will have consequences that frankly DON'T bode well for happily ever after. That is your fault.

I am getting into areas that I can not advise on. Your confusion is hurting your wife and probably many others.


weird...
Posted By: BBski

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 03/29/16 03:37 PM

Wow! Excellent post to a WS! He probably won't hear it though....
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 09/03/16 02:26 AM

-- so...... I have avoided this man on Match for over a year - one reason.

He looks like my X brother in law. Albeit a better looking version. In two of the photos the likeness is not present - in his cover photo - BAM! Hellz no.

He actually wrote ME, and he seems like a great guy -- But I can't TELL him why I avoided him...{your face reminds me of one of the biggest ***-holes I've ever met.}

Well, he is so personable - I'm meeting him for coffee -- may be the quickest coffee in the history of coffee.
Posted By: whatsupdoc?

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 09/04/16 11:55 PM

That was an incredibly dull meeting. He did look quite a bit like BIL - enough that I looked away frequently, in spite of myself.

It probably helped trigger the absurdity of my situation. I now don't see how I could not be drug into the past by visiting with a doppleganger..<sp? . hhhmmmmmm.

Very nice person, tho.
I think I'm never going to meet anyone who fits.
(That is a bad side effect of sour coffee dates.)

It was just so easy getting along with my xh - we met as kids - were fast friends almost immediately - no matter what struggles we had - over the years there were many - getting along was not one of them.

Its so weird.
Posted By: believer

Re: So, who'd a think it... - 09/05/16 02:30 AM

You'll need to follow Al Turtle's advice -

Here is my suggestion:

My best guess about how to go about locating Mr. Right or Ms. Right or your “soul mate” is to make yourself available to the selection process built into your own psyche, and to that of others. Plan on "checking out" about 100 people who are all reasonable Imago candidates. (By the way, you can play a lot while doing this. I think being playful is a wonderful skill, that is natural in childhood, and not to be forgotten in adulthood.)

Think of where the kinds of people, you want to be with, are. Right now, where are they? Where do they gather? Where do they hang out? If you do not like the bar scene, stay way. If you like the outdoors, where are outdoor lovers. If you like the temperament of religious people, consider going there. If you love science, where are those who love science. If you love watching TV, notice what you really like on TV, and think of where people who like the same things will be when they leave their TVs and go out. It is true you only need one person, but you have to get involved with the selection process in order to pick and be picked by that one.

Now, build a cheap and repeatable selection scheme. What I mean is that I think you need about 4 hours in the presence of a person to let your selection process kick off. Sure, the romantic “look across the room” does happen, but is followed up with a 4 hour or so time needed together. Most looks across the room do not survive the 4-hour test. So I believe you need to set up a simple, repeatable testing process at least 4 hours long.

During those four hours of your selection scheme, be with each other, alone. Do not go to a movie, play, opera, as that will distract you from each other too much. Walk in a park, by the bay, in the forest, on the beach, by the lake, have a nice coffee visit, go to a training seminar, etc. Make it seem very safe to your guest. It is probably a good thing to be alone, where others can see you from a distance. Experience each other and see whether both want to go further with time together. My rule is “Have enough distractions to make things easy, but not too many.”

I suggest you use the same scheme on each possible Imago candidate. ‘Tis cheaper and simpler. Remember, things have to “click” with both people for things to go much further. Your partner may be your Imago match, while you are not theirs. Live with it! I suggest you do not spend months with one person, if magic is not happening. Move on to the next Imago candidate.

This seems a tragic mistake with young people, spending months and years with someone for whom they did not feel any spark at all, and thus not going out and looking. Oh, and it is important to separate those we have had no spark with, from those who we are now in the power struggle with.

Kind of perversely, I believe a Power Struggle partner, was/is an Imago Match, and should be treated as a “keeper.” I suggest you divorce or split from “the relationship” you are having with this person. Leave that “relationship” behind by converting that Power Struggle into the University of Life and building a new relationship, Vintage Love, with them.

Remember, with the right person, magic (PEA) will emerge, followed by a "nice period of time" (days, weeks, months), followed by the Power Struggle. The fighting time is when you need to start working and learning all those things and skills that you have not learned yet to be able to stay with that partner.

I took all my Imago candidates to a wildlife refuge for a walk in the wild. It cost me drive time, which was a good connection time. It cost me arranging food for lunch, which was a good connecting activity. It cost me time. That was it. I kept at it through almost 16 women. The last is my wife, and she brought little bottles of Lancers wine with her in her purse to lunch! She was/is a “keeper.”

Here is one last suggestion, and it may seem crazy. There are many Imago candidates out there. Let us play some numbers. If you hate the bar scene, I think one out of every 10,000 people in bars may be a match for you. If you like religious thoughts, then I think one out of 200 people in the single's group at your church may be a match. If you like museums, I think one out of 150 people, of more or less your age, who are walking through a museum with you may be a match. If you are a caretaker, I think one out of 200 people of your age in volunteer organizations may be your match. I think, maybe one out of every 500 people your age and relative social group may be an Imago match. Looking at all I know, I think there are many Imago matches out there for everyone. You just have to find one and get to work. (People asked me, where did I get those numbers? I made them up. I learned the skill of guessing from a wild red-haired physics teacher. The numbers seem about right to me.)


Finding a right one (yes, I said “A right one”) may seem like trying to find a needle in a haystack. However, there is a place that you may not have thought to look. And this might seem “nuts.” The last Imago match, the last person you fell in love with, and whom you broke up with in a power struggle, is probably a perfectly good Imago candidate – no matter how silly you both acted when you split. All your past lovers, of any depth, are possible matches. You could have dropped them while in a Power Struggle with them, because you did not know how to convert that distressing situation into the University of Life. You might be better able to make that conversion now. Check them out! Heck, right now they might be rejecting their current Power Struggle partner! I told you this might seem crazy! I have met lots of people who are splitting from a current partner to go back and date their childhood sweetheart. (Of course if you are currently married, how about transforming that power struggle with your current partner into Vintage Love? It’s quicker!)

I say, go for it!

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