Marriage Advocates

Parental alienation

Posted By: SmilingWife

Parental alienation - 03/14/13 05:17 PM

Instead of focusing on a label or diagnosis, most experts now agree that we should speak of “the alienated child” and the behaviors we can observe in that child in relation to the alienated parent.

Some of those observable behaviors include:

Anger that the child cannot explain in an age-appropriate way, or that is based on absurd rationalizations

Resistance to visitation that is not occasion-specific but constant and vehement

Acting out in unusually overt, hostile ways while in alienated parent’s care or custody

Frequent strong expressions of hatred or apathy targeting the alienated parent to a third party, or a targeted campaign of denouncement of the alienated parent

Automatic reflexive support of the non-alienated parent, no matter how absurd or indefensible that parent’s position may be

Knee-jerk dismissal of any suggestion that the child’s hostility towards the alienated parent is in any way not the child’s own conclusion – that it has been influenced by others, or “planted” by others

Scripted, borrowed language used when the child talks about the alienated parent, particularly when criticizing the parent

Rejection of any extended family that is associated or aligned with the alienated parent
Posted By: for to fade

Re: Parental alienation - 03/14/13 06:14 PM

Good information. Child pawns, very wrong thing to do.
Posted By: Not2fun

Re: Parental alienation - 03/14/13 06:53 PM

It's just so sad when parents do this to each other because the biggest losers end up being the kid/kids. Except in cases of abuse or addictions, there is no good reason for it.

SW, I often think of you and your sitch when dealing with my own kids and our pending D. We do not have a set visitation at this time since Mr. Not doesn't have his own place, but he is free to see the kids whenever he wants to. The only provision we have set up is that if there is something special or important either of us has planned in the future, let the other know. This is because of some trial and error we have had. We're learning and adapting as we go along. My youngest two will nearly always put up a fight about going (they are 14 & 16). I make them anyway. Mr. Not hates that but that's a whole seperate issue that doesn't really include me.

I just don't understand women (and let's be honest....it's usually the moms who do this) who do this. No matter how much they may dislike their XH's, the kids are still his. And sometimes you have to put your feelings aside for the sake of the kids. And when they are teens, you almost always have to make them do things thy dont want to.....

I hate what you and your H have to deal with....

Not2
Posted By: CajunRose

Re: Parental alienation - 03/14/13 07:01 PM

Even with addictions, alienation is not necessary.

My xBIL fought addictions for several years and ended up in rehab (and then jail, because rather than pay child support for his first child he bought drugs). My sister told their son that his dad had made some stupid choices and had to face the consequences. She answers her son's questions and doesn't editorialize.

Sometimes you have to take the high road and step out of what you think and think about what is best for the children. Too many people can't do that.
Posted By: SmilingWife

Re: Parental alienation - 03/14/13 08:43 PM

What gets me about this is that I feel like I was pretty crazed in the early days after D-day. I certainly was not the poster woman for 'mom of the year' as regards how I dealt with my ds and his dad...but time yields a little clarity on one's behavior and what it might be doing to your child. I've had to apologize to my ds (who was 9 on D day and 13 now) several times for things I've said about his dad.

Dh's XW acts like dh cheated on HER and that the divorce happened last week instead of almost 5 years ago. I told dh just this morning that she has demonized dh in her mind and she has to keep up that belief in order to justify to herself and the boys leaving dh. And certainly she has convinced her husband that my dh deserves all the venom she is spewing....

Mind boggling really. I think it helps dh to see this list so clearly...because he often times sits around wondering what he might have done sooooo wrong that makes his ds hate him. I hope he can get to the point he lets it go realizing he didn't cause it and he can't fix it. Beyond doing what he can to maintain contact there is not much dh can do.
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